When the show was over, the nice man that I talked to before the show told me to be sure to tell H what a good show he missed... (God, is that YOU? I'M LISTENING... Help me hear...)
That's hilarious. I was already laughing when I was reading about the Italian stud (that first organsm in 24 years is a good trick to play with a new lover - but an evolved guy would be like "yeah .... sure...." but that cracked me up!!!
Well done. It's so good to read a post from you that sounds like you are really and truely having a good time and you have experiences to report. Excellent, excellent, excellent.
Your H is checking up on you. I guarantee he is outrageously surprised that you've gone on this trip on your own and he is wondering what you are doing there. Heaps of stuff is going through his head - he's wondering if you have hooked up with someone, he's wondering if he's gone so far he's going to lose you. He's jealous and he's scared because this is such a big 180 for you, he's thrown him for a loop.
My lovely xH told me a story recently that resounds in this situation. When we first separated I went to a wedding up the coast on my own. The groom was a friend of mine, he and I had worked together abroad. He was English and he was marrying an Australian girl. xH and I had only been separated about 2 or 3 weeks and right up until then I'd been saying "but you'll still come to the wedding with me won't you?" and he'd been non-commital.
I bit the bullet and went on my own. I ended up having a fantastic time,catching up with friends from all over the world (and to be fair, they were my friends, they all knew x but only as my partner). I knew that after I got home, he called one of my girlfriends who was there as well and asked her how I'd been on the weekend - and she just said something like 'how would you expect her to be, she's sad, but she'll be OK.' but xh told me recently that me going away that weekend nearly drove him mad.
We had done EVERYTHING together for more than 10 years and I'd packed up and gone away without him. Without any drama, without any demands on him - he said that was when he realised he had better really be serious about what he was doing or he was going to lose me.
Human nature is funny. That's what your H will be going through this weekend. He is starting to wake up to the fact that without him, you world will still go on. He needs to understand that so he can be very very sure of what the consequences are for his decisions.
Relax and let him sweat. Stick to business when you call or e-mail, but there's no need to respond immediately to his questions. He's a big boy.
I think the decision to move your office home is a brave and very clever one. You are setting up boundaries that he is going to have to see and respect. He's going to learn that there are consequences for his choices. That's totally in your interests. He can't have the best of both worlds, because you have too much respect for yourself and for your marriage. It's kind of like you have to be the grown up here.
Keep going Tam. This is all very very good.
I haven't been home for the last 2 weekends, so I'll be around doing the washing, housework etc this weekend (I let my housekeeper go because I decided it's time to 'look after myself' but I'm wondering if devoting Saturdays to house keeping is perhaps taking it too far!!!)
Lots of love
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Thanks for your posts of encouragement. Virginia, thank you for putting some perspective on H and for sharing your experience on your trip to the wedding. It really helps when you encourage me that my actions are having the right actions on H. It helps give me strength to keep working hard and to not give up...
So, here's what I have to report for tonight. First of all, an update on H... So, after my post to you last, I think it was THREE MORE TIMES that he called me. I let it go to voicemail every single time, and I only called him back after the first of those three calls because it was something that he absolutely needed to know about paying some bills today. So, I did the same thing of leaving a message on my phone and forwarding it to him instead of calling him.
Then, the next two times he called I just go tears in my eyes as I made myself let it go to voicemail. The third time I said to myself, "H, please stop - you're killing me inside!" On I think the second of these three messages, he said something like I could leave him a message if I wanted about what he was calling about (he must have figured out that I was recording messages and forwarding them to him). He also said that I didn't have to call him back if I didn't want to... Then, when he called the third time, he said something like "this should be the last message to you tonight - sorry for bugging you." And inside I'm just dying, knowing that hopefully what I'm doing is make him think but also feeling like I just want to scream out "H, you're NOT bugging me - WAKE UP and get your head out of your a** and let's get on with this!" But, can't do that... Each time, at the end of his messages, I could tell he felt really awkward, not knowing how to end the message. He never said on any of the messages that he hoped I was doing good or having a good trip, but I think I told you that in his e-mail he sent last night he said something like "I hope you're okay and enjoying your trip." So, I DIDN'T CALL HIM BACK after the second or third messages... Just sucked it up... And felt empowered, angry, sad, and lonely all at once... God, please tell me that this is working!!!!
H also told me in his last message that he was going to be working all day at the job site tomorrow (why is he telling me what he's doing????) So, I'm probably run into him tomorrow...
Okay, so here's my update on the rest of my night. No Italian stud! LOL BUT... So I went and got some dinner and decided to gamble for a while (it's during this time that H's 3 calls come in). Had a good time. Then I had to go back to the casino I was at last night because I forgot to turn in my ticket to get my cash back. Wasn't sure if I was going to stay there, come back to my hotel, what I was going to do. I was just "winging it."
So go to the other casino, found a slot machine that I love playing, so I decided to treat myself to a Krispy Kreme doughnut and play the slot machine for a while. So I got my doughnut and a beverage (the first alcoholic one I've had since I've been here). Chocolate and alcohol = yummy! LOL
So before I started to play the slot machine, I decided to go get my membership card to the slot club. So, went over there, and heard some live music coming from a bar - 80's music. The band was really good. So, I stood outside the bar and watching for a few minutes and then took a deep breath and walked in - all by myself! Found a seat, sat down, and really enjoyed the band. They were really good. Then, these two guys were standing at the bar, and they turned around to look for a seat. They were looking at some seats behind me, and I was asking the folks around me if they knew if the seats they were looking at were taken.
So, they then say to me "are you here alone?" I said yes, and they said I could join them if I wanted to. I said sure, and we found seats together. I quickly looked at their left hands - married, and felt relieved that I wasn't going to be dealing with some horny single guys.
I felt my heart beating fast and just worked hard on being me. But it felt so weird! They immediately ask me why I'm here by myself, etc., etc., but I didn't want to talk about it or tell them, so I just said I was here "being me." One of them kept grilling me over and over and over again about what was going on. It was kind of irritating. I told him that the best way he could help me was to just have fun and not make me think about my situation.
Anyway, I purposely asked them about their wives and families and their lives and just worked on being friendly. They asked me some weird questions like whether I shaved "there." I told them I didn't want to answer that... They were getting more tipsy as our conversation continued, so they were growing increasingly less inhibited...
Early on, they told me they were here with a whole group of people and that I could hang out with all of them and "party all night." I said I would really enjoy that (which I would have - innocently, of course). But, they end up telling me that they are here for a tradeshow, so I'm presuming that they are talking about the other people here for the tradeshow - no one else ever showed up.
So, also early on they asked me if I would go dancing with them after the band finished. I said sure (thought it would be fun - I like to dance).
So, I just kept feeling "weird" talking to them. I know it was innocent and I didn't do anything wrong and they are married, too, but it was just strange. Maybe I was just hypersensitive because of my situation with what H has done.
So, one of them tells me a story about his wife getting angry when they went out once when he danced with another woman to YMCA. So, I decided when he told me that that I wasn't going to go dancing with them. So a little while later they said something about going to the dance club, and I said I was going to call it a night. They gave me a hard time about it, and I said something like "do you want to know why I'm not going to go? - because I respect your wife..." Then the other guy gives the one who told the story a hard time, saying that he shouldn't have told me the story, etc. I just tried to play it off and said that it was getting late and I needed to get some sleep, too, yada, yada. I said I would walk with them to the dance club if they wanted (it was in the casino we were in). So, out of the blue, the other one (who hadn't told me the story) got up and said, "well, it was nice meeting you" or something like that and reached out to give me a hug. I gave him a hug and then went over and gave the other man a hug and told them to have safe flights or something lame like that and walked out.
I truthfully had a nice time talking with them and wanted so much to work on being outgoing and fun (one of them commented that I was the "shy, timid type.") I found myself having a hard time "letting go," though - I think because I just felt awkward, if that makes sense? I didn't want to cross any lines and kept that in the back of my mind. But, it was nice to talk to them, and I was proud of myself for pushing myself out of my comfort zone, but at the same time, when I left, I felt guilty, dirty, sad, like I had done something wrong. It made me really think about how much H had distanced himself from me, if he could physically ML to someone else, and I felt bad just TALKING to someone else in a bar... It also just helped to solidify that much more that I want my M to work. God help me if I have to deal with the "outside" world again in looking for a new mate... (Is it "normal" for complete strangers (i.e. the guys tonight and Italian stud from last night) to ask/talk about sex, personal questions, etc.? I haven't been in this "world" for so long...)
I also thought about if H were in my shoes - talking with some married women and maybe going dancing with them - how I would feel. I would be jealous for sure and would probably be angry. So that made me feel more guilty. I'm not sure where the "boundaries" are right now??? And, I guess it's not even "right now." Where are the boundaries for happily married people? I didn't do anything wrong (I don't think), but I guess I'm just not really ever (since being married) really in the type of situation I was in tonight. It felt weird, and I kept thinking that I would not like it if H was doing that, but maybe it would be wrong for me to care (as long as he's not dancing with them and slapping their butts or something - Ha! LOL) I don't know...
Anyway, I decided I would go back and play my slot machine since I hadn't done that yet and would just regroup a little bit before going back to my hotel. I did, and don't really even remember playing it - I was just lost in thought. I kept seeing H's face in my mind and wondering how I could look at him when I see him (whenever that might be) when I get home. I felt guilty just for talking to other men and felt like it would hurt me just to look him in the eyes. Then I think "how in the world can he look at ME after what he's done???" It kind of switched the roles a little bit - not really, but you know what I mean.
So, I just played my slot machine for a while to get my mind clear and get out of my funk before going back to the hotel. So, I cleared my mind and decided I was ready to call it a night, with mixed emotions.
So I go to cash in my ticket, and this kinda cute guy (and obviously drunk) holds out his hand to grab mine. I grabbed it, and he asked if I would give him a hug, and I did. Then I started to walk away, and he said "where are you going?"
I said, "I'm GOING HOME..." He said "to your boyfriend? husband?" I said "to my husband." Now, obviously I wasn't going home to my H tonight, but it was a "moment" for me. The words came out of my mouth naturally and without thought/effort. It was another of those "God, I'm listening, please help me to hear" moments. I want my M to work, and I'm going home to my H - not in a "begging, pleading, I can't live without you sense" but in the DB, distancing way that I know I need to do...
Then, I'm walking out of the casino, and these two more obviously drunk guys walk by me, and one of them kind of bumps me when walking by, and the other one apologizes to me. He tells me something about that they're celebrating a 21st birthday or something. Anyway, he grabs my hands and tells me that I'm beautiful...
With that, I held my head up high, found my strength within me, and got in my car and drove back to the hotel.
When I got into my hotel room, I put on the Daughtry CD and played the song "Going Home" and sang to it and renewed my commitment to myself to go home to H and to be strong and do what I need to do to better myself and save my M. There's a part of the song that says "be careful what you wish for, cuz you just might get it all, and then some you don't want..." I thought about how I wanted to push myself while I was in Vegas to maybe meet a man and just talk to him and see how it felt, that it might feel nice to just have a man be nice to me. I didn't feel like I wanted to cross any lines or anything like that - just to I guess get a self-esteem booster and maybe feel pretty and wanted. I know ultimately that is all up to me, but it's still nice to have someone give those things to you. So I thought about how I should be careful what I wish for, because I just mike get it, plus some things I don't want... aka "Italian stud" and then my experience tonight... It was nice to get the attention but the interactions were so weird...
Then, I deliberately let myself cry for a while to "get it out" and then knew I needed to get some rest so needed to do something else to get my mind off of it so that I could focus and get some sleep. So, ate something light and watched TV, then logged on to write you all about my night.
I'm exhausted, overwhelmed, at peace, empowered, scared, don't want to go home, want to go home, still can't believe I CAME HERE ALONE, proud of my strength, angry for my weakness... These last few days have definitely been an emotional journey for me. I think one of the most important things I have learned is that the distance from H helps me. As I said, each time I said it was him calling tonight, and each time I listened to his messages, my heart just broke, and it's just phone calls! And I'm making myself see him daily, look at constant reminders of our dreams, see his suitcase in the office closet - It's been so hard being away, but at the same time it's helped so much. The distance is good for me I think, solidifying my thoughts on working from home for now. I'll see what Jody says.
I do hope and pray that H has been thinking a lot while I've been gone. I know he's not only surprised that I did this but also that I've purposely not talked to him. I just hope that his thoughts are that he misses me (in whatever way that is possible for him to feel right now) rather than that he's deciding he can do okay without me... We'll see.
Okay, must get some rest now. Am looking forward to talking with Jody tomorrow and am scared about going home... I don't know what to expect and am not sure how to act... will ask Jody for some guidance. I need to make sure I tie my homecoming in the right DB way to all that I've hopefully accomplished by taking this trip in the first place. I don't want to "blow it" by doing the wrong thing(s) when I get home...
Good night, guys. Will maybe have time to check in quick while waiting for the plane at the airport.
Good luck hon--I am proud of you for taking this trip on your own. There is something very profound about finding the strength inside yourself. It is so hard, but so very rewarding.
My only thought for you is this: don't have any expectations about H's thought/actions as you return home. (I need to burn this very thing into my own head too.) Just keep up the good work you've been doing on your trip.
Just wanted to check in. I missed my flight (checked in 6 minutes too late to get my bag checked... argh...) and have been stuck at the airport all day now. I've run around so much to different flights/airlines that I felt like I've run a marathon - in heels no less! LOL
Finally got confirmed for a flight in a few hours so thought I would check in with you guys - I'm having a little breakdown here since I have some downtime to think. I brought some work with me that I could/should be doing but just don't feel like it - just don't care...
So all of my appointments that I had scheduled for tonight when I got home are all messed up now, and tomorrow is going to be a chaotic mess getting them all taken care of - I'm sure that's not helping with my stress level right now... Plus, I only got four hours of sleep. But, don't worry, Xanax to the rescue!!! LOL Should kick in soon.
I think Lin is going to be back tomorrow, too, I really hope she had a wonderful, successful trip and made some progress with her H. I can't wait to hear about it.
H hasn't called/e-mailed yet today but did sent me an e-mail last night (don't think I told you that) around 8 o'clock or so. Again, he never sends me e-mails (once every several weeks, if that??), so this has been kind of weird... He told me he is waiting from some sort of parts to come in that he ordered and asked if I could check to make sure that the charge went through on our credit card. I haven't e-mailed him back/called him yet. I was thinking I should maybe just give him the instructions on how to check on-line himself for the charge? What do you think? It would be easy for me to check, but it would be good for him to not think I'm going to keep just doing everything like those sorts of things for him I think. Plus, if he goes on-line, he would also see his personal credit card, which is the one I've been on occasion torturing myself with checking and snooping. I'm not sure if he would think to check his personal card and would think about me seeing the charges or not - or if he would even care. I've obviously still been getting the bills for his personal account and paying them (kills me every month)...
So, still have mixed emotions today - am so proud of myself for taking the trip alone and honestly don't really want to go home right now. It feels so empty inside to think about the future without H in it - but then I keep telling myself that I WILL be happy again, in good time, and that whether it's with or without H, I will be a better person for having gone through this and will be able to look back either knowing that I was the one who held this M together or that I did everything I could to hold it together.... I just wish I could fast forward time somehow but know it's important that I go through all of the steps involved here.
So, let me tell you about my talk with Jody this morning. Penny, I hope this will help you, too.
1.) The more I act like it's NOT over between H and I, the more annoyed he gets (THAT was an eyeopener and a great thing to keep in mind). 2.) I'm allowing myself to get hurt every day by our current dynamics. She suggested me working certain hours and him working opposite hours at the office. Then I told her my thought about moving my office home, and she thinks that is a GREAT idea!!! I realized that while my time away from him has been hard in many ways (normal), that just not even "being able" to see him every day or know he could walk in/out the door at any time or being in a situation to even have those shallow conversations that hurt so much has helped. I told Jody that, and she, again, said she thought it would be good and powerful to do that. I asked her if I should say anything to H about this move or just do it? She said I could say something like "This is getting uncomfortable to have two overlapping relationships (the marriage and the business) and that I need to separate the M from the business." I told her about me being so scared about not being able/wanting to concentrate on my business and how far behing I'm getting, so she said that would be a great way to explain it as well, that I have a lot that I need to get done right now and concentrate on. She said I could tell him that and that it would give us both some space and reduce some stress. So, that's how I'm going to approach it with him. I've decided for sure that I'm going to do it, AND I'm so scared! I'll still have all the "memories on the walls" so to speak at home, which will be hard, too, but removing myself from the office situation and all of the strain there I think will be for the best, though it will still be hard. I don't like working from home (have done it before, and that's why we decided to get the outside office), but under the circumstances, I'll just have to suck it up and take the lesser of two evils and hopefully the evil that will be the best for our M. It will be good for him to not see me every day like it's been while I've been gone. I hope he's still doing some thinking today. Aud's advice was great, though, to go home with no expectations on his actions. I know these new actions for me are going to take time to have an effect on him. 3.) Jody said it's important that I don't give him mixed message, ie ML to him while we're supposed to be "friends," etc. I need to hold the line and act like we are not together right now (and we're not). 4.) I told her that it was really hard for me to talk to him, that our conversations were not even "friendly" and that that really hurt. She said she understood and that I need to work towards being "authentic" about how I would talk to him just about the business. That is hard, but I will work on it. She also told me to practice being friendly but firm. Also, she mentioned that instead of saying thinks like "I won't do THAT, so something positive like I WILL do this." 5.) She told me that this was the first time in talking to me that she heard confidence in my voice, and that made me feel so good. I told her it had really helped to write down both the Dr. Phil exercises and the LRT details that apply to us. 6.) Boundaries - her response to this was not what I expected. I started to ask her how/when I should approach H with these, and she said to tell her what they were first and she would let me know. So the first one I started out with was no ML until he's ended it with her. She said I shouldn't tell him that at all and that any of the house boundaries I mentioned to her I should not tell him right now at all. She said if he DOES come home again to address it then but for now to just let that go. She said I'm making so many changes already right now (I told her I was going to work on continuing the lack of communication that I've done while I've been gone and work on distancing myself from him) that those things in and of themself may just let him know those boundaries without having to say them. That was an interesting take on all of this. She said the same thing about the business stuff. I told her that I didn't feel like I wanted to make any more acquisitions with him right now, and she said to wait for now and see if he approaches me with something and then deal with it then. So the basic message I got was I don't need to go hog wild on making all of these changes at once - just do more of what I've been doing while I'm here, stop sending him mixed messages and giving him the best of both worlds, and then just WATCH and see what happens from there. 7.) She agreed with Virginia that H that his calls yesterday and communications while I've been gone are an indication that he is doing some thinking and that this is a good thing. 8.) About the family/personal gatherings: She said this was hard for her to coach me on because the DB techniques would say for me not to do these things with him. But I told her I was so torn because I do know that it would be best for our R for me not to do those things right now so that he can experience being there without me, but at the same time, I don't want to burn any bridges with his family and raise suspicions. She asked me if I honestly thought that this would never come out, and I told her that I prayed to God it wouldn't. H has already told me how hard it was to think about his parents, that he knows they obviously wouldn't approve of what has happened. I know that weighs heavy on his mind, and I guess that was part of why it surprised me that he had the nerve to text her while we were at their house. I could no more do anything like that at my parents house... Again, it shows me how little respect he has for me right now and how much he has distanced himself from me and just thinks he can do whatever he wants and the faithful little wifey will still be there. Well, if I could to let him treat me like that, I'm going to be in the looney bin! Jody said I need to not let him treat me like a doormat - have dignity, respect, a firm set of boundaries, etc. So, I told her I would have to think about it but that I at least will not go to all of his racing activities (he will be starting that in a couple weeks and will do it about two times a month - I always/usually go with his Mom and watch... again, awkard to NEVER go). This was when Jody said it was hard to advise me because she doesn't know the family workings and that the DB techniques would be not to do this at all... She also said it was H's responsibility to deal with any fallout from his parents and any explanations of why I wasn't at family functions, which I realize. I just don't want to create unnecessary turmoil with family/friends until/unless we decide formally to not stay together - I don't want to backpedal, don't want to deal with looking at them and having them hurt and feel sorry for me/him/us, etc. I asked her about Easter, and we talked about this for a while and ultimately decided that as a "compromise" I would drive there separately, give my good wishes to the family, and leave early. I thought this was a great idea, and this is what I plan on doing. She said I can't present myself with him as a "couple" - because we're NOT right now. Again, is difficult with the family and business dynamics as far as family/business functions, but I will work on figuring out compromises like the Easter suggestion in these situations. 9.) She said she thinks this business is my leverage right now, which I agree that it is in a way. I guess that is why I struggle, because I want to make sure that I'm not being "manipulative" with it. It's hard sometimes to think clearly with all of these emotions I'm dealing with... 10.) I told her that I realized that although my personality is to spend time by myself and that that "recharges" me that I realized from my rssponses to the Dr. Phil questions that it is when I'm alone that I have some of my hardest times right now - gives me the opportunity to focus on things and not have to worry about allowing myself to cry. I think this is good for me to do sometimes, but I need to work on not doing it so much. I also need to not read so much about this, as it causes me to spend too much time focusing on it. I need to find a good balance of learning all that I can and also forcing myself to do things that will keep my mind off this...
So, I think that was the bulk of what we discussed. I told her most of the things I had written down that applied to our situation from the LRT. I plan on re-reading those a lot to help keep me strong.
Well, will close for now (Xanax is kicking is - whoo-hoo! LOL). SEND ME STRENGTH from abroad, guys. God I'm listening... Please help me to hear... "It's never too late for a miracle"........... Help ME to change for me, and help H to notice and want me again...
Lin is going to be so proud of you. I can't believe how quickly you are picking this up and running with it. It's like you've become a different woman just in a week or so.
Tam - you are making so many changes and all of them are positive. I sincerely admire the tenacity with which you are approaching these issues. Don't underestimate how hard this work is to do and how well you are doing it. You are amazing.
Sounds like Jody's got her head screwed on. She's good and I agree with everything you reported about your session with her.
She's so right about not having to have a whole conversation on the boundaries - they will just come up as they happen and he'll be surprised that you have a position on these issues. You will feel confident that you are ready to assert your position when and if you need to. Fantastic.
I suspect that right now you are feeling pretty good that you've come this far, but there is probably some deep pain of loss in your heart and it takes over from time to time. I so get that. I so remember it. I promise you that it does get better. As you get stronger, the pain becomes less. It just takes time.
Well done. Safe trip home.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
I had a short post but Only 1210 and john talked to me once. It is "Feelin lost what do I do". Under this Forum. I'm not very good at this so you have to bear with me and tell me what to do. I went back and read my post and I kind of rattled on. I would appreciate any advice you can give me. It has done me alot of good just reading the advice you give 2940. Being married 25years and H having an A and doesn't even come home for the business now.
Sorry 1210 today is the week end and my S and his friends came to help me get caught up. We have a ranch and it is alot of work especially since I work full time. Sounds like you are doing so much better. I read what you talked to Jody about. I think I will reread it in the morning I am exhausted tonite. It sounds like you are making progress. I am so proud of you for not answering his calls. I keep telling my self that is what i am going to have to do. Then I get to feeling guilty because we have so much business to discuss but he seems not to be worried or he would be here. You are doing so well at it. My H turns his phone off at nite. so who knows what is going on. I am drawing strength from you.
I think I will write some more tomorrow I am so tired I don't think I am making sense.
Hope you made it home all right. Have a good night. Try not to have to many expectations that is when we get hurt and fall back.
Thanks, guys. I had a long, horrid day at the airport and am so incredibly tired. I was there for 8 hours before I got on a flight, and all sweaty and yucky from having run my butt off from gate to gate! Ha! LOL
I finally made it home and am headed off to bed. Am in tears again, so Xanax is on the way. It was just flying in and driving home and not knowing what to expect when I got home. I know, no expectations, but I didn't know if he was going to have moved out, taken more stuff, etc., and didn't know if my heart was going to get ripped out any more... And I guess if I'm honest I kind of hoped he might have stayed here at least one night since I wasn't home??? I know, no expectations... So, I'm taking deep breaths, got my meds in me, and am writing to you guys and then going to watch some brainless TV before going to sleep so that I can relax. I have to get up early to get paperwork done and do the appointments that I missed today, so really need to get some rest, especially after my only fours hours of sleep last night!
It's going to be really hard going to the office in the morning, too, but after the initial go-around, I'll be okay. I don't know yet when I'm going to talk to H and move my office stuff back home, but probably on Monday or Tuesday.
I forgot to tell you one of the most important things Jody told me! I asked her how I should act/what I should say when I see H for the first time after getting back home. She said to say something like "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!" in a flirtatious, fun way, and JUST LEAVE IT AT THAT! If he pushes for more info, just keep going back to that but don't give him any details about what I did. She made a great comment; she said "why SHOULD you tell him what you did?" She's exactly right. This was a PERSONAL trip for me, and he doesn't tell me nor do I want to know about his personal life, so there you go!
Didn't have any contact with H today at all. No phone calls from him either. He did write me an e-mail around 5:30 tonight to tell me to disregard his previous e-mail (that I hadn't responded to yet) about the charge on the credit card, that the items had showed up. It was a short e-mail and to the point, no "hope your flight home is good" - nothing like that, but that's okay. I know he just doesn't know what the heck to do right now, which is a good thing.
Virginia, you hit the nail right on the head, just as you always do, when you said that I know I'm making progress but that at the same time I feel such an intense sense of loss sometimes - I think that is why the frequent meltdowns over the last couple of weeks. Thank you for helping me to clarify why I was having such intense emotions - both positive and negative, and thanks for telling me that you felt this, too - makes me not feel like such a ravin lunatic.... And, thanks for telling me that it DOES get better with time. I know that in my heart, just as all hard things we go through in life always get better with time, but this one is the hardest and longest I've ever been through. It's truly testing me as a person, AND I'll get through it... I thought about it on the way home tonight and resolved to cry when I needed to, scream, let it out, but NEVER around H ANY MORE! He can't see me weak, can't see me hurting. He can only see me strong and happy and think that I'm moving on with my life. I know that, and I don't want to backslide anymore.
One thing I talked to Jody about was that I wrote myself a note in the notes I made that the more I backslide, show desperation when he's around, pursue him, chase him, etc., etc., the longer it might take for him to come home. If I just remember that the better and faster I can do this and keep strong and fight this fight and work on me the sooner H will hopefully wake up and the sooner we can move on to this next stage of somehow putting this back together. Jody agreed and said that even the smallest backslide can set progress back months. I have to keep remembering that concept and draw strength from it every time I want to do an anti-DBing thing. I keep saying that I want this pain to end and to save my M - well, then I've got to do what it takes to DB and make progress and use my determination to work hard towards my goal. Cry when I need to and feel my emotions - I need to do that - but never around him. Start being more mysterious, less available, work on HEALING MYSELF so that I can get more strength to work on my self-confidence, self-respect, etc.
Okay, Xanax is kicking in again... Need to get some rest. Penny, thank you for being my "buddy in crime." It made me feel so good when you said that I give you strength. I feel so weak right now so much of the time, and to know that somehow you are still given strength when I'm going through hell is a miracle to me and gives ME more strength. Hang in there with me, okay?
Love you guys. Thank you for being there for me when no one else can be right now... I will never be able to put into words how much you all are helping me. I could never be doing the things I'm doing now without your encouragement. THANK YOU!
I'll let you know how things go tomorrow. It's going to be an interesting day... However, I may not even see H since - sometimes he works on Sundays at the job site, which is where I'll be all day, and sometimes he doesn't. However, if he IS at the job site, I've resolved to NOT go find him to say hi or anything. If he seeks ME out, great. If not, I'm going to do what I have to do and leave...
God, I'm listening... help me to hear... It's never too late for a miracle...
Am at the job site now in-between appointments, and my heart is ripping out again... I went to the office, and H had the covers to the bed spread out in the living room downstairs like he had been watching TV or something... my heart just starts thumping. Then, I notice that he took his suitcase that he brought back from his parents' house, so I'm sure it's now "over there," too... I don't know if I told you this, but he also brought his golf clubs back up to the office rather than taking them back home, I'm guessing so they're closer if he needs them again... I know, I know. No looking around and making myself hurt. This is why it's so hard for me to be up at the office... I honestly feel like I'm going to throw up right now...
Then, I get to the job site, and H is not here... I didn't really know whether to expect him to be here or not, and it's probably best that he's not. I am so tired today I can't even tell you (only got about 5 hours of sleep last night after my 4 hours of sleep the night before and my long day in the airport yesterday). I think I am just on overload and lack of sleep mode...
So now I just think about H spending all day with OW today, and it makes me sick (literally). Don't worry, I'm not going to drive by or anything to look for his car. That would about put me over the edge right now. AND I haven't checked his personal credit card anymore. That would also put me over the edge right now.
Sorry, I know I'm being negative and having a meltdown once again... AND H isn't seeing it. I HATE that he's choosing to spend any free time with her. And, before all of this happened, we usually worked on Sundays, too. So now that he's not doing that and spending time with her (I know, I don't know he's with her FOR SURE, but it's pretty likely), it just hurts that much more... And I guess there's a small part of me that just thought MAYBE he would come looking for me today, just to see how I was doing. I KNOW that's not realistic and that I should have no expectations. I know, I know. But I'm also being honest with you guys. I just can't help having some of these feelings and thoughts. The important thing is to keep them in check and to put on my smile when I do see H again, whenever that is...
I know I'm in a great position right now with all I've accomplished in the last several days, and I'm anxious to see H's reaction to all of it and to continue what I've been doing. Don't worry, I'm NOT going to backslide and freak out on him or anything (I save that for you guys LOL ) Just having another hard day. It feels like things are getting harder rather than easier right now, but I'm presuming that is because I'm working harder on the DB techniques, which in and of themselves hurt, and also that, as Virginia said, I feel a huge sense of loss and am hurting to much in my heart right now.
Gotta run to get ready for my next appointment. Thanks for letting me vent. Hopefully the hardest parts are over right now, except for seeing H, of course. Have tackled going home and have tackled the office now.
Have popped the Xanax, so all will be well soon...
Am waiting for an appointment to show up so must make this brief but just need some encouragement, please! Am still in and out of tears all day today. For some reason, I keep feeling a huge sense of guilt for what I did to contribute to all of this and don't know what I will do if this doesn't work out - don't feel like I'll be able to forgive myself... I know it was his poor CHOICE to have an affair and not work on things on us, but I just feel so bad for what I did...
Also, keep thinking about them and them spending time together - oops appointment just showed up... hold on...
Okay - appointment done. So, keep thinking about them and the time they spend together and what they do and how he talks to her, etc., etc., and missing how he used to talk to me and how our lives used to be - it certainly wasn't perfect, but we had good times. And now I don't even enjoy doing the business with him anymore and feel a sense of loss for if I have to give up working with him, too. Then I go back to thinking about them being together today and him taking his suitcase up there and him taking nicer clothes up there (he originally just had taken work clothes), so wondering if they are going out to nice places... Don't know if I told you the other night when I found the receipt for the liquor and single rose that I freaked out and started digging through his garbage can looking for other receipts. There was one in there from Costco where he had purchased beer and a bunch of seafood on a Saturday night, so I think - what if he's having/going to get-togethers with her and being around her social circle? If he is, do they know that he's married? HOW CAN HE DO THIS and not feel anything? Has he grown that much apart from me?
Then I had an epiphany today... I thought THIS is what he maybe felt like when *I* was gone??? - wondering where I was at and what I was doing. I know he kept busy and probably didn't think about it that much and that he has her to go home to and so maybe it doesn't even bother him...
Then I saw a note that he had written to the residents at our job site about a temporary closure of one of the facilities. He handwrote it and signed in "H and W," and I just burst into tears. How can he even write our names together knowing where we are at and what he's doing? Just seeing him write our names together tore me up...
Then I think about having sex (not ML) at his parents' house. 1210 said it was just because a guy is not going to refuse sex and also that he probably didn't want to deal with hurting me, etc., which is probably true, but how can he do that? have sex with me and then go back to her the very next night? Does he feel ANYTHING for me anymore?
HELP! I don't know why all of these thoughts are bothering me so much today? Is this normal? Where is this all coming from? I'm having that feeling of being just "done" with this again. Don't worry, I'm not going to freak out and go ballistic on him and backslide - going to keep up the DBing I've been working so hard on. Just need to vent.
The pain is just so much worse this time than when he left the first time, I guess partly because I was in denial and mostly because he promised he was going to give us another chance, that he just didn't know when... Then I keep blaming myself for messing that up and hating him for not putting his heart into it and not telling her he was going to give us another chance. I waited for 3 months on the premise that we were going to somehow try to make this work only to find out he didn't even tell her that was his plan and I don't even think told her he was with me...
Why am I reliving all of these things? What is happening to me? I just don't know how to keep going on like this... Feel like I'm going crazy... Am hurting so much. Even on my hard days while I was away, I felt so strong and empowered. Now that I'm hope, I'm a mess... Why? Is it the pain of being where he is again, of knowing he's probably with her, of not knowing if I can save this M?
Is it good that he at least hasn't moved completely out of our house? Or is it like he has since he's basically taken everything he needs to "get by"? I'm so scared... I think I've had to take Xanax three times today. Just can't stop crying... Where is this coming from? Help, guys!!!!!
I'm hoping I'm just exhausted and that getting a good night's sleep will help...
Please help lift me up again, guys. This is so much harder this time around, and I'm so scared... I just want the hurt to end...
guy (and obviously drunk) holds out his hand to grab mine. I grabbed it, and he asked if I would give him a hug, and I did. Then I started to walk away, and he said "where are you going?" 
And, thanks for telling me that it DOES get better with time. I know that in my heart, just as all hard things we go through in life always get better with time, but this one is the hardest and longest I've ever been through. It's truly testing me as a person, AND I'll get through it... I thought about it on the way home tonight and resolved to cry when I needed to, scream, let it out, but NEVER around H ANY MORE! He can't see me weak, can't see me hurting. He can only see me strong and happy and think that I'm moving on with my life. I know that, and I don't want to backslide anymore.
Need to get some rest. Penny, thank you for being my "buddy in crime." It made me feel so good when you said that I give you strength. I feel so weak right now so much of the time, and to know that somehow you are still given strength when I'm going through hell is a miracle to me and gives ME more strength. Hang in there with me, okay?