I just worry he is going to "crash" and there will be no one there to help him.
This may very well be. But this is how it needs to happen. He needs to "crash" and he needs to "fix" himself, without help from anyone else. Sorry.
It is so hard to watch them knowing that you could possibly help but also knowing they don't want your help. It's like a drug addict. You can force them to go rehab and talk to them about it until you are blue in the face, but they won't take any of it seriously until THEY DECIDE they need to quit.
Shades, Yes I know that he will need to "crash" I just hope the "crash" doesn't also take his life. I can deal with him hitting a rock bottom emotional state. I just hope that is where it stops. And then he can find a way up from there.
Unfortunately my XH surrounds himself with other "addicts" who all cope with the stresses of life in unhealthy and maladaptive ways. Not that my ways are always healthy and great, but at least if I am hurting someone I am only hurting myself. (I cry and over think and talk about the same things over and over and over and over.) I don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs, don't hide from my reality, don't escape into "fictional worlds", don't try to buy things to fill the voids, or just run from my problems and shut them out (Because if you can't see them or talk to them there is no longer a problem.)
I don't know. I just worry. And I guess I don't want the guilt on me if anything bad does happen. THanks! r2
Once a MLC has going NC.... how long does this normally last for until they start to talk again? (I know there is no hard fast rule, just looking for some people with experience.)
Also what is the differences between and EA and a close friend?
R2, just checking in... out for a few days enjoying myself!!!
As for your question of the day. I can not answer that. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without speaking to my H since we met 10 years ago. I am sorry, I wish I could help on this one!
Quote:
Also what is the differences between and EA and a close friend?
I don't know if I have the answer to that one as well... I guess my thought on that would be. you share only so much with a "good" friend. but with an EA. they look to that person for EVERYTHING. what I mean by this is, they turn to this person for support, for someone to talk to, someone to spend free time with. Maybe I am off my rocker, but that is how I would interpret it. if someone can explain it better, please please do so. I am horrible at some of this!
How are you doing? Taking care of yourself? I sure hope so... b/c that should be your 1st and foremost obession at this point. maybe those weren't the right words, but I think you probably understand what I am trying to say... if not... I am truely HORRIBLE at this
wife of an addict M 39 H 39 D18 D 16 Together 19 M17
Tabd, Thanks for checking in. I am taking care of myself.
I am just still numb.... Part of me knows this is what my XH needs... He needs to go out and see that the grass isn't any greener. He needs to miss me.
That is the sad thing is while he will miss "some of me" right now I would say he is having and has been having and EA with this 57 year old woman. (Thus the reason for my question.) turns to her for personal support, for someone to talk to, for somewhere to spend his free time. He spends every night with her. He hasn't eaten dinner on his own since.......Sunday Jan. 14th. And that was b/c we had 8 inches of snow. He spend every weekend over there. Sometimes it is just the two of them other times there are other people. But dinner is mostly just the two of them.
While I think they don't have feelings for each other, as in romantic, I think it is more of a neither one of them like being alone and they fill that void for each other. I really wish someone would smack them both in the back of the head and make them realize that isn't healthy for EITHER one of them.
She needs a life with people her own age. I am really sorry her husband died 4 years ago. I am sorry she hasn't found someone to date. But if she is going to be "alone" for the rest of her life she needs to get used to the feeling. She needs to fill her empty time with something. She needs to learn to be alone. She needs to find her own life. She has to stop robbing my XH of his. He is 28 years old! He is young! He needs a life beyond her 4 walls and his apartment. I am not suggesting that he NEEDS to come back to me. But he needs to live his life! He needs a LIFE! He needs to be alone. He made the choice to "rip my life apart" and leave me without a reason (or if there is one I don't know) and he needs to feel that sense of loneliness! He needs to know what it means to leave your wife and go out on your own. He wanted his own freedom. So have your own freedom don't be tied down by some 57 year old lady.
That is what makes me so angry. People around them HAVE to see it. How can they not?!? I am sure part of it is that they don't have to worry about her. My XH is there to keep her company and do things for her so it take the pressure off of them. But how can they see that as healthy for my XH. He told me he wasn't going to talk to me b/c he was taking his life in a new direction. How about he get a life and find his own way in the world.
He live 2 blocks from his job and 1 mile for his 57 year old friends house. Get out see the world! There is more to life than the 1 mile radius from your house.
I just feel powerless. I know I can't say anything to either one of them. They would see it as me trying to win him back or get him back. They would not see it as me trying to show them what is "really" going on.
Oh and even last night when she wasn't home he waited for her at her house (i am sure she had food for him in the fidge to heat up).
What makes me really sad is if I never get a chance to work things out with my XH because of this woman. And then years down the line he sees that he really does love me. It will be my worst fear. That I will have moved on and he will show back up. She is robbing him of his life because she is selfish. She has a need and that is all she really cares about.
Okay thanks for the vent. If none of this makes sense feel free to ask! R2
Is my XH checking in on me? And is this a good sign? Recently I have noticed my XH logging on and off of a messanger service on the internet. (I used to be logged on all the time. Now I am on, but I have my status as invisible.) He logs on and off. The only time he has done this before is when he was checking to see if someone was on that he wanted to talk to. (Now my confession I know his password to the messanger and I have checked recently and there are now new screennames on the account. BAD R2 BAD R2. But his behavior peaked my interest.)
So my question is, is it a "good"/positive sign that he is checking in on me?
Plus I have passed him driving twice in the past couple of days. At times where I am not normally driving that road. I could see how in his mind he might think I am leaving another man's home, or coming back from a date. Maybe I have peaked his interest?
Maybe it is nothing. Just those odd behaviors that I have noticed. I guess when you are in this situation every little change in behavior makes me stop and wonder.
A week before he "freaked out" and stopped talking to me, he called while I was waiting for a friend so we could go out to dinner. (My XH didn't like this friend never has and was the cause of a great deal of stress in our marriage at the end.) I told him who I was going out to dinner with and he said fine, go out to dinner and F*ck him and have fun. I said I will go out to dinner and when I am done I will call you. He said he might answer.
I called later and went over to my XH apartment. He made some comment about me going to dinner with this man. I asked him, "Why do you care? You didn't invite me out for dinner, he is my friend he is moving in 30 days to be with his girlfriend." He said, "I don't care, just giving you crap." I just said, "Sure".
I know he would be jealous if I was seeing someone. But I just can't do it. I have tried, but I am not "over" my XH. I still love him too much and still believe we can make our realtionship work. Until I totally give up all hope I won't see anyone else.
I know he loves me, he told me he did/does and probably always will. He also said he can't be around me b/c it has an emotional cost to him. (which to me says I got under his skin and it scared him...so like any good MLC he ran.)
I guess I can only pray that he is missing me. Thanks lissett for your comment and thought! R2
