Hey, guys --

Just wanted to check in. I missed my flight (checked in 6 minutes too late to get my bag checked... argh...) and have been stuck at the airport all day now. I've run around so much to different flights/airlines that I felt like I've run a marathon - in heels no less! LOL

Finally got confirmed for a flight in a few hours so thought I would check in with you guys - I'm having a little breakdown here since I have some downtime to think. I brought some work with me that I could/should be doing but just don't feel like it - just don't care...

So all of my appointments that I had scheduled for tonight when I got home are all messed up now, and tomorrow is going to be a chaotic mess getting them all taken care of - I'm sure that's not helping with my stress level right now... Plus, I only got four hours of sleep. But, don't worry, Xanax to the rescue!!! LOL Should kick in soon.

I think Lin is going to be back tomorrow, too, I really hope she had a wonderful, successful trip and made some progress with her H. I can't wait to hear about it.

H hasn't called/e-mailed yet today but did sent me an e-mail last night (don't think I told you that) around 8 o'clock or so. Again, he never sends me e-mails (once every several weeks, if that??), so this has been kind of weird... He told me he is waiting from some sort of parts to come in that he ordered and asked if I could check to make sure that the charge went through on our credit card. I haven't e-mailed him back/called him yet. \:\) I was thinking I should maybe just give him the instructions on how to check on-line himself for the charge? What do you think? It would be easy for me to check, but it would be good for him to not think I'm going to keep just doing everything like those sorts of things for him I think. Plus, if he goes on-line, he would also see his personal credit card, which is the one I've been on occasion torturing myself with checking and snooping. I'm not sure if he would think to check his personal card and would think about me seeing the charges or not - or if he would even care. I've obviously still been getting the bills for his personal account and paying them (kills me every month)...

So, still have mixed emotions today - am so proud of myself for taking the trip alone and honestly don't really want to go home right now. It feels so empty inside to think about the future without H in it - but then I keep telling myself that I WILL be happy again, in good time, and that whether it's with or without H, I will be a better person for having gone through this and will be able to look back either knowing that I was the one who held this M together or that I did everything I could to hold it together.... I just wish I could fast forward time somehow but know it's important that I go through all of the steps involved here.

So, let me tell you about my talk with Jody this morning. Penny, I hope this will help you, too.

1.) The more I act like it's NOT over between H and I, the more annoyed he gets (THAT was an eyeopener and a great thing to keep in mind).
2.) I'm allowing myself to get hurt every day by our current dynamics. She suggested me working certain hours and him working opposite hours at the office. Then I told her my thought about moving my office home, and she thinks that is a GREAT idea!!! I realized that while my time away from him has been hard in many ways (normal), that just not even "being able" to see him every day or know he could walk in/out the door at any time or being in a situation to even have those shallow conversations that hurt so much has helped. I told Jody that, and she, again, said she thought it would be good and powerful to do that. I asked her if I should say anything to H about this move or just do it? She said I could say something like "This is getting uncomfortable to have two overlapping relationships (the marriage and the business) and that I need to separate the M from the business." I told her about me being so scared about not being able/wanting to concentrate on my business and how far behing I'm getting, so she said that would be a great way to explain it as well, that I have a lot that I need to get done right now and concentrate on. She said I could tell him that and that it would give us both some space and reduce some stress. So, that's how I'm going to approach it with him. I've decided for sure that I'm going to do it, AND I'm so scared! I'll still have all the "memories on the walls" so to speak at home, which will be hard, too, but removing myself from the office situation and all of the strain there I think will be for the best, though it will still be hard. I don't like working from home (have done it before, and that's why we decided to get the outside office), but under the circumstances, I'll just have to suck it up and take the lesser of two evils and hopefully the evil that will be the best for our M. It will be good for him to not see me every day like it's been while I've been gone. I hope he's still doing some thinking today. Aud's advice was great, though, to go home with no expectations on his actions. I know these new actions for me are going to take time to have an effect on him.
3.) Jody said it's important that I don't give him mixed message, ie ML to him while we're supposed to be "friends," etc. I need to hold the line and act like we are not together right now (and we're not).
4.) I told her that it was really hard for me to talk to him, that our conversations were not even "friendly" and that that really hurt. She said she understood and that I need to work towards being "authentic" about how I would talk to him just about the business. That is hard, but I will work on it. She also told me to practice being friendly but firm. Also, she mentioned that instead of saying thinks like "I won't do THAT, so something positive like I WILL do this."
5.) She told me that this was the first time in talking to me that she heard confidence in my voice, and that made me feel so good. I told her it had really helped to write down both the Dr. Phil exercises and the LRT details that apply to us.
6.) Boundaries - her response to this was not what I expected. I started to ask her how/when I should approach H with these, and she said to tell her what they were first and she would let me know. So the first one I started out with was no ML until he's ended it with her. She said I shouldn't tell him that at all and that any of the house boundaries I mentioned to her I should not tell him right now at all. She said if he DOES come home again to address it then but for now to just let that go. She said I'm making so many changes already right now (I told her I was going to work on continuing the lack of communication that I've done while I've been gone and work on distancing myself from him) that those things in and of themself may just let him know those boundaries without having to say them. That was an interesting take on all of this. She said the same thing about the business stuff. I told her that I didn't feel like I wanted to make any more acquisitions with him right now, and she said to wait for now and see if he approaches me with something and then deal with it then. So the basic message I got was I don't need to go hog wild on making all of these changes at once - just do more of what I've been doing while I'm here, stop sending him mixed messages and giving him the best of both worlds, and then just WATCH and see what happens from there.
7.) She agreed with Virginia that H that his calls yesterday and communications while I've been gone are an indication that he is doing some thinking and that this is a good thing.
8.) About the family/personal gatherings: She said this was hard for her to coach me on because the DB techniques would say for me not to do these things with him. But I told her I was so torn because I do know that it would be best for our R for me not to do those things right now so that he can experience being there without me, but at the same time, I don't want to burn any bridges with his family and raise suspicions. She asked me if I honestly thought that this would never come out, and I told her that I prayed to God it wouldn't. H has already told me how hard it was to think about his parents, that he knows they obviously wouldn't approve of what has happened. I know that weighs heavy on his mind, and I guess that was part of why it surprised me that he had the nerve to text her while we were at their house. I could no more do anything like that at my parents house... Again, it shows me how little respect he has for me right now and how much he has distanced himself from me and just thinks he can do whatever he wants and the faithful little wifey will still be there. Well, if I could to let him treat me like that, I'm going to be in the looney bin! \:\) Jody said I need to not let him treat me like a doormat - have dignity, respect, a firm set of boundaries, etc. So, I told her I would have to think about it but that I at least will not go to all of his racing activities (he will be starting that in a couple weeks and will do it about two times a month - I always/usually go with his Mom and watch... again, awkard to NEVER go). This was when Jody said it was hard to advise me because she doesn't know the family workings and that the DB techniques would be not to do this at all... She also said it was H's responsibility to deal with any fallout from his parents and any explanations of why I wasn't at family functions, which I realize. I just don't want to create unnecessary turmoil with family/friends until/unless we decide formally to not stay together - I don't want to backpedal, don't want to deal with looking at them and having them hurt and feel sorry for me/him/us, etc. I asked her about Easter, and we talked about this for a while and ultimately decided that as a "compromise" I would drive there separately, give my good wishes to the family, and leave early. I thought this was a great idea, and this is what I plan on doing. She said I can't present myself with him as a "couple" - because we're NOT right now. Again, is difficult with the family and business dynamics as far as family/business functions, but I will work on figuring out compromises like the Easter suggestion in these situations.
9.) She said she thinks this business is my leverage right now, which I agree that it is in a way. I guess that is why I struggle, because I want to make sure that I'm not being "manipulative" with it. It's hard sometimes to think clearly with all of these emotions I'm dealing with...
10.) I told her that I realized that although my personality is to spend time by myself and that that "recharges" me that I realized from my rssponses to the Dr. Phil questions that it is when I'm alone that I have some of my hardest times right now - gives me the opportunity to focus on things and not have to worry about allowing myself to cry. I think this is good for me to do sometimes, but I need to work on not doing it so much. I also need to not read so much about this, as it causes me to spend too much time focusing on it. I need to find a good balance of learning all that I can and also forcing myself to do things that will keep my mind off this...

So, I think that was the bulk of what we discussed. I told her most of the things I had written down that applied to our situation from the LRT. I plan on re-reading those a lot to help keep me strong.

Well, will close for now (Xanax is kicking is - whoo-hoo! LOL). SEND ME STRENGTH from abroad, guys. God I'm listening... Please help me to hear... "It's never too late for a miracle"........... Help ME to change for me, and help H to notice and want me again...