We have been planning to go on vacation this week to visit her family in Chicago. We've had the tickets for a little while now. She had a really stressful and bad day yesterday getting things together, and then last night she starts to say - "i don't want to go", and starts giving a bunch of reasons (none of which include me) - things like she doesn't really want to see her mom, as she has done some mean stuff lately. And she doesn't want to leave the dogs at the kennel.
anyways, i knew deep down that wasn't it, i knew something was bothering her, but i didn't want to open up old wounds, and didn't want to start a relationship conversation.
Well, I didn't start the conversation, but she did. Basically - she didn't want to go to see friends and family while she is feeling so "alone". And she was scared because she didn't care anymore if we were together.
So it hurts.
But i told her everything I had been thinking recently. That I hate seeing her so sad. It kills me. And if she thinks I'm happy - she is wrong too. that I realized that I need to stay strong for my family. And that if I let my sadness, my anger, and our problems get to me, it wouldn't help me, our kids, or anything in our situation.
I told her that I don't want her to stay with me just because she is scared of making the wrong decision - just to have us wake up 5 years from now misrable. I told her I don't want this relationship, I want a new one - with her. It's not the relationship I want, I want to feel the love, closeness, and security that I once felt with her.
She said - "I don't even know who you are. I just get irrated by everything you do right now. I don't know who you'll be in a year. You'll go off start another company and everything will be back to the way it was. I don't even know if I care anymore".
that hurt, but i tried to let her know that I don't know who I'll be in a year either. All I know is that i didn't like who I was last year, and I know I won't be that man again. I didn't like him, and he wasn't a good father, or a good husband.
I let her know that this is not my decision. But I don't want to be here if she is doing me a favor, or just afraid to come to terms with how she feels with me. I don't want or need a wife that is annoyed or irrated by everything I do.
I am not a bad person. I just hope that one day she can see that again.
Anyways, this morning she woke up and we are supposed to fly out at 5pm tonight. 5 tickets -3500.00 she says - why are we going on vacation right now. I wanted to scream - "because you wanted to visit your family", but i held my toungue. all the while the little girls are running around excited about going to the airport (they love to travel). My wife says "I don't know if we can go, i need to take care of the dogs" to my little kids. And without missing a beat - they are both like "You can stay, dad can take us" - boy that really helped. Its like they knew I needed a little strength. Anyways she ran upstairs and cried so they couldn't see her. She talked to her friend that we are supposed to visit as part of our trip. (she went through a similar MLC or whatever and divorced her husband, but now has been telling my wife that she shouldn't rush into anything and that she doesn't want to see her make the same mistakes).
Anyways, she comes back down, and I ask her what her friend said. - Apparently she said something to the effect that maybe she should just let me take the kids and let her stay and think about things. I said that if that is what she wants that I would just get online and get some tickets to visit my mom and take the kids. I mention visiting grandma with me to the girls - and they are jumping up and down with excitement. (i am so glad they are too young to understand all of this).
Anyways. Next she is like, maybe I should just take the girls to chicago, and you stay home. I thought about it, and the whole thought made me feel so hollow. I almost broke down right there. I told her, I don't feel comfortable with that, and I didn't think I had the strength to be away from them right now. If she wants to be alone, then fine, but i need to be by my kids right now.
Well, now its 2:20 and she went to drop the dogs off at the kennel, and last i heard we were all going to Chicago. Go figure. The big old happy family.
I don't know whats going on, but i feel like I can't control it, so I am going to stop trying. I just need to vent from time to time. I love my wife, I love my family more than anything, and I will stay strong for them.
If she can't be happy with me, than i can't let that stop me from finding happyness on my own, alone. I hope and pray that the fog will lift and she will be able to see me for who I am once again.
Anyways, i just felt the need to post my situtation. I'll post again with updates after our "vacation".
