I don't dance to gain anyone's approval...never did. If anything, that made matters worse with my parents, etc. They'd have loved for me to dance for them...I wouldn't do it.
What is your definition of "dancing" NOW in your relationship with your wife?
I assume you didn't "dance" for your parents (I don't know your FOO so this could be wrong) because you KNEW that it was a cheeseless tunnel. Your dancing would have pleased them because they could critique you but you would not have satisified them with your dancing.
So now, in what should be a safe relationship with your wife you still put up the guard that you NEEDED with your parents. Yes, MrsCAC4 may get upset and may make mistakes in how she handles her frustration. However that is not the same as wanting to find fault with you or not being satisfied with who YOU are. It might FEEL that way to you understandably.
Is the use of phrase "I am just an a$$hole" a substitute for "I FEEL like I cannot do or say anything right in your eyes and I just want to give up before I say or do something even MORE wrong?"
FWIW I would give up on arguments with my XH with statements like "ok, so I'm the one who made a mistake." I was just trying to STOP a downward spiral but, not surprisingly, he didn't like that statement either - "you're just being a martyr." "No I am just tired of you not listening to me, OF ME SAYING THE WRONG THINGS and things just getting worse in the process."
I looked the 4 and 5 pairing up on the website below. I put the potential trouble spots here however there are POSTIVES for this match too.
It still seems to me that there is room for BOTH of you to take some time to respect how the other feels and reacts to situations and to work at not taking those reactions so personally.
Potential Trouble Spots or Issues The greatest area for discord in a Four/Five pairing is that Fours are emotional types and tend to push for more contact and intimacy, sometimes becoming overly demanding, whereas Fives are thinking types and tend to push for more detachment and space in the relationship, sometimes becoming more reclusive and private. Fours can experience Fives as being too intellectual and feel that Fives are analyzing them rather than sympathizing with their emotional needs and states. They can also feel that Fives are unavailable and detached, uncaring and unresponsive to their needs in their relationship. Fours feel they can also be impractical and take too long to respond when a situation calls for action.
On the other hand, Fives can see Fours as bottomless pits of emotional needs who drain their time and energy. Fives also feel that Fours' emotionality reflects a lack of rationality or is a sign of immaturity that seems potentially dangerous and out of control. Fours in the lower Levels do not seem safe because of their apparent instability. Fours tend to be easily frustrated with the quality of attention they get from Fives (since they can be preoccupied with their mental worlds, not with the relationship), thus they tend to provoke the Five until they get a response. Fours need to appreciate the minimalist emotional style of the Five, while Fives need to appreciate the Four's depth of feeling. Romantic relationships can get very intense quickly and combust. Usually, the Five retreats first, feeling overwhelmed by the Four's escalating needs and demands. Of course, the Five's withdrawal triggers more clinging and neediness in the Four, more demands, and more endless analysis of the relationship itself. Emotional florid reactions confronting emotional detachment and rational analysis quickly get to an impasse that may spiral into a breakup.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
