Thanks for your posts of encouragement. Virginia, thank you for putting some perspective on H and for sharing your experience on your trip to the wedding. It really helps when you encourage me that my actions are having the right actions on H. It helps give me strength to keep working hard and to not give up...
So, here's what I have to report for tonight. First of all, an update on H... So, after my post to you last, I think it was THREE MORE TIMES that he called me. I let it go to voicemail every single time, and I only called him back after the first of those three calls because it was something that he absolutely needed to know about paying some bills today. So, I did the same thing of leaving a message on my phone and forwarding it to him instead of calling him.
Then, the next two times he called I just go tears in my eyes as I made myself let it go to voicemail. The third time I said to myself, "H, please stop - you're killing me inside!" On I think the second of these three messages, he said something like I could leave him a message if I wanted about what he was calling about (he must have figured out that I was recording messages and forwarding them to him). He also said that I didn't have to call him back if I didn't want to... Then, when he called the third time, he said something like "this should be the last message to you tonight - sorry for bugging you." And inside I'm just dying, knowing that hopefully what I'm doing is make him think but also feeling like I just want to scream out "H, you're NOT bugging me - WAKE UP and get your head out of your a** and let's get on with this!" But, can't do that... Each time, at the end of his messages, I could tell he felt really awkward, not knowing how to end the message. He never said on any of the messages that he hoped I was doing good or having a good trip, but I think I told you that in his e-mail he sent last night he said something like "I hope you're okay and enjoying your trip." So, I DIDN'T CALL HIM BACK after the second or third messages... Just sucked it up... And felt empowered, angry, sad, and lonely all at once... God, please tell me that this is working!!!!
H also told me in his last message that he was going to be working all day at the job site tomorrow (why is he telling me what he's doing????) So, I'm probably run into him tomorrow...
Okay, so here's my update on the rest of my night. No Italian stud! LOL BUT... So I went and got some dinner and decided to gamble for a while (it's during this time that H's 3 calls come in). Had a good time. Then I had to go back to the casino I was at last night because I forgot to turn in my ticket to get my cash back. Wasn't sure if I was going to stay there, come back to my hotel, what I was going to do. I was just "winging it."
So go to the other casino, found a slot machine that I love playing, so I decided to treat myself to a Krispy Kreme doughnut and play the slot machine for a while. So I got my doughnut and a beverage (the first alcoholic one I've had since I've been here). Chocolate and alcohol = yummy! LOL
So before I started to play the slot machine, I decided to go get my membership card to the slot club. So, went over there, and heard some live music coming from a bar - 80's music. The band was really good. So, I stood outside the bar and watching for a few minutes and then took a deep breath and walked in - all by myself! Found a seat, sat down, and really enjoyed the band. They were really good. Then, these two guys were standing at the bar, and they turned around to look for a seat. They were looking at some seats behind me, and I was asking the folks around me if they knew if the seats they were looking at were taken.
So, they then say to me "are you here alone?" I said yes, and they said I could join them if I wanted to. I said sure, and we found seats together. I quickly looked at their left hands - married, and felt relieved that I wasn't going to be dealing with some horny single guys.
I felt my heart beating fast and just worked hard on being me. But it felt so weird! They immediately ask me why I'm here by myself, etc., etc., but I didn't want to talk about it or tell them, so I just said I was here "being me." One of them kept grilling me over and over and over again about what was going on. It was kind of irritating. I told him that the best way he could help me was to just have fun and not make me think about my situation.
Anyway, I purposely asked them about their wives and families and their lives and just worked on being friendly. They asked me some weird questions like whether I shaved "there." I told them I didn't want to answer that... They were getting more tipsy as our conversation continued, so they were growing increasingly less inhibited...
Early on, they told me they were here with a whole group of people and that I could hang out with all of them and "party all night." I said I would really enjoy that (which I would have - innocently, of course). But, they end up telling me that they are here for a tradeshow, so I'm presuming that they are talking about the other people here for the tradeshow - no one else ever showed up.
So, also early on they asked me if I would go dancing with them after the band finished. I said sure (thought it would be fun - I like to dance).
So, I just kept feeling "weird" talking to them. I know it was innocent and I didn't do anything wrong and they are married, too, but it was just strange. Maybe I was just hypersensitive because of my situation with what H has done.
So, one of them tells me a story about his wife getting angry when they went out once when he danced with another woman to YMCA. So, I decided when he told me that that I wasn't going to go dancing with them. So a little while later they said something about going to the dance club, and I said I was going to call it a night. They gave me a hard time about it, and I said something like "do you want to know why I'm not going to go? - because I respect your wife..." Then the other guy gives the one who told the story a hard time, saying that he shouldn't have told me the story, etc. I just tried to play it off and said that it was getting late and I needed to get some sleep, too, yada, yada. I said I would walk with them to the dance club if they wanted (it was in the casino we were in). So, out of the blue, the other one (who hadn't told me the story) got up and said, "well, it was nice meeting you" or something like that and reached out to give me a hug. I gave him a hug and then went over and gave the other man a hug and told them to have safe flights or something lame like that and walked out.
I truthfully had a nice time talking with them and wanted so much to work on being outgoing and fun (one of them commented that I was the "shy, timid type.") I found myself having a hard time "letting go," though - I think because I just felt awkward, if that makes sense? I didn't want to cross any lines and kept that in the back of my mind. But, it was nice to talk to them, and I was proud of myself for pushing myself out of my comfort zone, but at the same time, when I left, I felt guilty, dirty, sad, like I had done something wrong. It made me really think about how much H had distanced himself from me, if he could physically ML to someone else, and I felt bad just TALKING to someone else in a bar... It also just helped to solidify that much more that I want my M to work. God help me if I have to deal with the "outside" world again in looking for a new mate... (Is it "normal" for complete strangers (i.e. the guys tonight and Italian stud from last night) to ask/talk about sex, personal questions, etc.? I haven't been in this "world" for so long...)
I also thought about if H were in my shoes - talking with some married women and maybe going dancing with them - how I would feel. I would be jealous for sure and would probably be angry. So that made me feel more guilty. I'm not sure where the "boundaries" are right now??? And, I guess it's not even "right now." Where are the boundaries for happily married people? I didn't do anything wrong (I don't think), but I guess I'm just not really ever (since being married) really in the type of situation I was in tonight. It felt weird, and I kept thinking that I would not like it if H was doing that, but maybe it would be wrong for me to care (as long as he's not dancing with them and slapping their butts or something - Ha! LOL) I don't know...
Anyway, I decided I would go back and play my slot machine since I hadn't done that yet and would just regroup a little bit before going back to my hotel. I did, and don't really even remember playing it - I was just lost in thought. I kept seeing H's face in my mind and wondering how I could look at him when I see him (whenever that might be) when I get home. I felt guilty just for talking to other men and felt like it would hurt me just to look him in the eyes. Then I think "how in the world can he look at ME after what he's done???" It kind of switched the roles a little bit - not really, but you know what I mean.
So, I just played my slot machine for a while to get my mind clear and get out of my funk before going back to the hotel. So, I cleared my mind and decided I was ready to call it a night, with mixed emotions.
So I go to cash in my ticket, and this kinda cute guy (and obviously drunk) holds out his hand to grab mine. I grabbed it, and he asked if I would give him a hug, and I did. Then I started to walk away, and he said "where are you going?"
I said, "I'm GOING HOME..." He said "to your boyfriend? husband?" I said "to my husband." Now, obviously I wasn't going home to my H tonight, but it was a "moment" for me. The words came out of my mouth naturally and without thought/effort. It was another of those "God, I'm listening, please help me to hear" moments. I want my M to work, and I'm going home to my H - not in a "begging, pleading, I can't live without you sense" but in the DB, distancing way that I know I need to do...
Then, I'm walking out of the casino, and these two more obviously drunk guys walk by me, and one of them kind of bumps me when walking by, and the other one apologizes to me. He tells me something about that they're celebrating a 21st birthday or something. Anyway, he grabs my hands and tells me that I'm beautiful...
With that, I held my head up high, found my strength within me, and got in my car and drove back to the hotel.
When I got into my hotel room, I put on the Daughtry CD and played the song "Going Home" and sang to it and renewed my commitment to myself to go home to H and to be strong and do what I need to do to better myself and save my M. There's a part of the song that says "be careful what you wish for, cuz you just might get it all, and then some you don't want..." I thought about how I wanted to push myself while I was in Vegas to maybe meet a man and just talk to him and see how it felt, that it might feel nice to just have a man be nice to me. I didn't feel like I wanted to cross any lines or anything like that - just to I guess get a self-esteem booster and maybe feel pretty and wanted. I know ultimately that is all up to me, but it's still nice to have someone give those things to you. So I thought about how I should be careful what I wish for, because I just mike get it, plus some things I don't want... aka "Italian stud" and then my experience tonight... It was nice to get the attention but the interactions were so weird...
Then, I deliberately let myself cry for a while to "get it out" and then knew I needed to get some rest so needed to do something else to get my mind off of it so that I could focus and get some sleep. So, ate something light and watched TV, then logged on to write you all about my night.
I'm exhausted, overwhelmed, at peace, empowered, scared, don't want to go home, want to go home, still can't believe I CAME HERE ALONE, proud of my strength, angry for my weakness... These last few days have definitely been an emotional journey for me. I think one of the most important things I have learned is that the distance from H helps me. As I said, each time I said it was him calling tonight, and each time I listened to his messages, my heart just broke, and it's just phone calls! And I'm making myself see him daily, look at constant reminders of our dreams, see his suitcase in the office closet - It's been so hard being away, but at the same time it's helped so much. The distance is good for me I think, solidifying my thoughts on working from home for now. I'll see what Jody says.
I do hope and pray that H has been thinking a lot while I've been gone. I know he's not only surprised that I did this but also that I've purposely not talked to him. I just hope that his thoughts are that he misses me (in whatever way that is possible for him to feel right now) rather than that he's deciding he can do okay without me... We'll see.
Okay, must get some rest now. Am looking forward to talking with Jody tomorrow and am scared about going home... I don't know what to expect and am not sure how to act... will ask Jody for some guidance. I need to make sure I tie my homecoming in the right DB way to all that I've hopefully accomplished by taking this trip in the first place. I don't want to "blow it" by doing the wrong thing(s) when I get home...
Good night, guys. Will maybe have time to check in quick while waiting for the plane at the airport.
guy (and obviously drunk) holds out his hand to grab mine. I grabbed it, and he asked if I would give him a hug, and I did. Then I started to walk away, and he said "where are you going?" 
