Stubborn, I don't know what to tell you! Does S want to split? Are you two talking about some fantasy future that hasn't even been broached? Your journal is your journal and you write whatever you choose in it, that doesn't make every entry some gospel truth or written in stone. Can you tell S that? Journals are really just thinking to yourself, are they not? I'm sure it's not a big shock to her to know that you've been speaking to a DB coach, why wouldn't you be? I also wonder if it is time for both of you to sit down and talk with D7 about the sitch? She must now have some inkling as to what is going on. I know I told my D's that mom and dad were "having problems" but that was onlyafter a huge blowout which they overheard and were quite shaken by, W left me to mop up the mess. As parents you will want to reassure her that no matter what, she is loved. She did find your journal and was asking questions. Now, I must ask, is your total rejection of 50-50 time split based on the childs good or your own opposition to separation. Of course, the best sitch would be a loving family with two parents BUT if it can't be (and I'm not saying it can't be) would that not be realistic? Again, I ask and am not imposing any judgements here. I just want you to be clear in your mind what it is that you are doing. Again, why are you two discussing child "time shares" when S has no plans to go anywhere? Sorry, no answers for you, just questions tonight!
and very good questions I might add. We are only discussing this because it was stumbled on by D anad handed off to spouse. She has no plans to go anywhere that I know of because she doesn't want to really make a decision or really go. (why not? who knows?)
I feel my opposition to 50/50 applies to any YOUNG child. I am opposed to separation but more opposed to living in the current sitch for much longer with NO end in sight...I have never said spouse could not see child. I think child should have ONE, PRIMARY residence. I have not explained this thoroughly to spouse. And it doesn't fit her fantasy so it's not what she WANTS to hear anyway so I'm not sure saying it even does any good. jeeze.
the journal thoughts are good. It's as if she read my thoughts for a given moment and based all her feelings on those. I don't think she does know I have talked to DB coach. DB coach is the one that said to show spouse the "natural consequences" of her actions and suggested what to say. Which I wrote down and now due to my lack of mental clarity (gee, I wonder why?) everybody has read
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
I was gone alot yesterday and thought there was a chilly wind when I got home. The chill in the air was confirmed by an email I got at work this morning:
"Since you have made it clear that in your opinion I serve as D's parent only by your graciousness and whim, please observe the following:
I am switching to Wednesday yoga. You will need to pick D up from karate.
You do not have permission to touch me in any way.
Don't e-mail me and ask me how I am or how my day is going, etc, please limit your communication to needs of the household, and D"
Well that's nice. It hurts like hell. The "I'm going to melt into a sobbing puddle" hurt. I haven't responded in any way. PMA? ha!
Last edited by stubborn; 03/27/0707:10 PM.
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
So stubborn, you can't take this personally. Give her the space she wants. Be fun, have a life, smile often, be you. She will be the one missing out, not you. Don't even bother responding. I am so sorry your S is being so childish, but she is hurt and is lashing out. Does that mean you haven't been hurt? No... but you're acting, not reacting here. So take a deep, cleansing breath, and pull yourself together and tell yourself, you can do this! This sounds a lot like where my H and I are at right now. Ideal? No. But it is actually better for my sanity as I am clear on what I should or shouldn't be doing. So use this as a positive, stubborn. It sucks, but at least you won't have to worry about unreciprocated touches or unfeeling emails. Cut that all out. Be you. Take care of you. Rise above, girl!
Well I have certainly been put in my place. It has been chilly in the old homestead but every now and then a warmer breeze wafts through. So silly me I thought things might be calming down. So in an email discussion this morning I suggested we go out to dinner tonight and also said "we could use a family outing". What possesed me to say that? I think Whatsis was channeling through me or something...I got this reply: "we are not a family, except if you feel like it and grant me that status for the moment, but we can have dinner together."
How nice. Several answers pop to mind: 1)My choices are not what keeps us from being a family 2)You may grant yourself that status at any time by changing your behavior 3)Are you talking to me?
So tonight when we go to look at the refrigerator she still wants to buy together, we will not be a family (unless I say so). It's good to have a clear understanding. The real idea here is that she's mad that I'm "in control" of the sitch and she is going to belittle me and try to brow beat me into some type of comforting concession to her "parenthood". Perhaps a reflective situation? Something is wrong and when she looks at me she sees the reflection of her actions and finds them unacceptable so BAM, I get whacked. Makes perfect sense don't it?
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
Act as if those words don't bother you. Even though they may kill you inside, don't let her see that.
Don't have too much advice to give. I am here if you need anything.
Jen
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling... but you may need to stop trying to act like a happy family for a while. Give your S some space. Give her more space than she wants... use that rubberband theory, if you back off, she may come looking for opportunities to be around you.
It's an ugly sitch right now so try to not put yourself in a position to be so hurt all the time. Don't push for the 'family time' b/c it isn't going to be well-received right now. Take care sweetie!!
Stubborn, the others are right. You are getting a reaction to something you have done, it's a heck of alot better than being the one in reactive mode. Isn't it amazing how she has no concept of how HER actions have endangered your family, it's all you taking away her rightful place. If you step back, it's damn funny! So, yes, give her space, let her have her little tantrum and keep on doing what you've been doing. I think she wants you to melt into that little puddle and beg her forgiveness, in other words, this may be a tactic she's using to keep you under wraps. Don't go for it, act like you don't care. You asked her to dinner, that showed caring, that is not melting but being strong. Keep it up! BTW my family outing last night went really well, go figure! W is tame today too. I guess ripping her head off (or maintaining my boundary, as I said I would) didn't destroy our M. You hold you boundary too, Stubborn.
well just a little journaling: Alot going on. SL had surgery and ended up at our house for the weekend. This means spouse ended up in OUR bed for 2 nights. We hosted a big party for a friend Sat night and a good time was had by all. Spouse did not email and spent the night at home.
And then last night. After reading to D7 and getting her down for the night I come out to find I am alone. Spouse gone, car gone, no phone call, nothing. So this is what we've come down to. Wow. Why is it that people are so disappointing? Gutless?
She was home this morning and it appeared her bed had been slept in. In the beginning of this mess I read and decided I'd give myself a year. My year is up. Now what?
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
