take a look at this thread...what is it now? going on 11 pages...best part of a week=a week living w/ a disgruntled spouse is the payment.
Why is any of this “paying?” In fact, why do you feel any stress at all from reading these words on your PC? No one is standing over you forcing you to feel anxiety. You do that to yourself. Your W cannot do that to you either. If she is disgruntled, that is her problem. Why do you feel anxious? You can decide that none of this matters and not let any of it bother you. Yet you do. Why? Why do you CHOOSE to pay?
Cobra: Try to see that it is safe now to feel, to express emotions, to show anger CAC: try to see that "its not".
Again, how is it that you feel unsafe? Did your W come up to you just now and say something, or call you on the phone and chew you out? What happened specifically, in the real time and space surrounding your body, to MAKE you feel unsafe? If you are in your office, then the lights are still on, the A/C/Heater is still running, the sun is till shining, etc.
That feeling of anxiety came from within you. NOTHING caused you to feel that way EXCEPT for your preconditioned responses. Just like Pavlov’s dog. Do you see that?
CAC, just because someone disagrees with you or is unhappy with your actions, does not mean a minefield is getting ready to explode. That may have been the case in the past but it does not need to be that way in the future. I know you FEEL that way. But you were trained to feel that way through years of getting hammered for every little wrong thing you did. It can change. You will have to develop trust in others. That will be a tall order for you and it will require you to step way out of your comfort zone.
You can easily prevent that if you choose. All you have to do is hang on to your pessimism and resentment. If you TRY to see things optimistically and give the benefit of the doubt out of pure faith, then you might be able to see some signs that disagreements do not have to lead to you being attacked.
W's idea of "discussion" can be very lawyer-like, and every question is of the "have you stopped beating your wife" sort...impossible to answer without digging yourself in deeper.
MrsCAC, this is directed squarely at you. If you want this M to move forward, then make no attempts to debate or discredit what you H has just said. You do not have to agree with him for surely you see things differently from your POV. But this is how he sees it and this is how he feels. Acknowledge that and do everything you can not come across in this manner. Obviously when you do, it scares the bejesus out of him. This is where you will have to step out of your comfort zone.
After a few hours of this, I find it easier to just "punt"...declare myself an @sswhole, and withdraw, hoping for better luck on my next posession.
This might help to protect you, but just as MrsCAC needs to be aware of what threatens you, you need to be aware of what threatens her. When you withdraw, you feel safe but she feels abandoned. Then her anxiety kicks in and she gets terse and starts pushing to get affirmation from you. You think withdrawing de-escalates the tension, and for you it does, but to her, you are ramping up the tension.
I wanted to say that, because I really do think that. But you didn't give me the chance to say it…..
Then just say it. There does not need to be the perfect moment. If MrsCAC can work on not coming across in that terse, lawyerly fashion, then you do not need to worry about waiting for the optimal time to speak up. Just say what’s on your mind whenever you want to. You are dancing on eggshells right now. You give away your power. Do you see that?
