But are you a sensitive person, Cobra? I am and I did get a lot out of the original HSP book. I suspect the HSP books would be more helpful to HSPs than non-HSPs. HSPs would "get it."
Karen, I'll let you know what I think.
Lil, what is your opinion of "The HSP in Love?" What about the other HSP books?
Let me rephrase, I think I already knew a lot of the stuff in the book. It was a rehash of a lot of old ideas, some FOO stuff. I have a few books about this sort of thing, Fear of Intimacy, some others I can't remember the names of.... Nothing groundbreaking that I recall, nothing that really sets a sensitive person apart from others. That doesn't mean it won't be helpful to you, but I think it and the other books I have borrow ideas from codependency, family shame, narcissism, validation methods, this sort of thing. I don't mean to turn you off to the book.
I meant to say "are you a highly sensitive person?"
Quote:
HSPs are that 15-20% of the human population born with a nervous system genetically designed to be more sensitive to subtleties, more prone to deep reflection on inner experience, and therefore inevitably more easily overwhelmed by outer events.
This explains my sensitivy to light and noise, my extremely acute sense of taste and smell, sensitivity to textures in some foods, sensitivity to caffeine, the constant analysis in my head of all my experiences, the fact that I often feel overwhelmed by things that some people take in stride. When I took the self-test I scored 20 out of 21.
This book helped me to realize that I'm not weird or abnormal (as mother called me), but a person born with with a highly sensitive nervous system, that was inherited from my father. It helped me be a little kinder and more patient with myself.
Mrs. Cac4 let me take the place of a generic H and you as a generic W.
I'm not talking about the finances! I wasn’t thinking of finances, that is off the table. OK?
yes, I'm committed to trying to figure out how to fix our problems." I want to work on the r so for the next 90 days, I will read book X and Y. We can each describe what we each saw in each book that relates to an issue in our R. I will listen to your comments and you will listen to my comments. Then we can see where we agree and or what might be some possible solutions.
There will not be any talk about D or separating, no comments that say the OP is stupid, no comments similar to "when pigs fly" etc.
[v] quality time, i.e. time without the TV [/b] Right on the money type of request. Now how long a time w/o TV and how many days a week roughly? 15 minuets 4 x a week???? More? Less???? That is what I am talking about. Measurable by an outside observer.
I wanted him to acknowledge last week's sexual encounters and say something like, "yes, last week was an improvement Good start. But if I was the H in this situation I would want to know what one thing or things you liked.
Let’s say I took time to rub your feet an hour before bed time and in bed stroked your hair. Which event did you like more? Was it the timing? The sequence, the lightness or firmness.
You pick things you like/like less and talk about those items. I did the foot and hair things because it's something BB and I do. You and Cac are a different couple and need to communicate what is good, better. the best in your opinion.
Even when we're having a disagreement like the one that prompted this thread, he could diffuse things if he could reach out to me in some way, i.e., give me a hug and tell me we'll work it out. That is a good description of what will work for you. ^5.
What is something that Cac wants in similar situations. The same thing or something a little different?
but a person born with with a highly sensitive nervous system, that was inherited from my father. It helped me be a little kinder and more patient with myself.
And if I guess correctly, a bit more difficult of a job for Cac4.
Thanks for the link to the HSP website. I took the test (not for myself because I am not HSP) but "on behalf of" my H. He scored 17, some I didn't tick because I didn't know what his answer would be so it is likely to be higher. On my own behalf I scored 4. He has a very hard time understanding my "lack of empathy". I just never understand his reactions to things. It is because he has highly sensitive reactions. I do not lack empathy I am just not a particularly reactive person - I can cope with most situations and thrive in a highly stimulating environment - I love it if there's too much to do and the phones are ringing off the hook and people are shouting at each other. It makes me feel alive. The more adrenalin I have pumping round my system the quicker my brain works and I like it.
I remember him once lying in bed and saying "I would just like to be somewhere cool and dark". AAARRRGGHH I can't tell you how much that ticked me off I just wanted to say "crawl off back under your stone then". I feel constantly thwarted by his need for less stimulation and I guess he feels constantly wound up and stressed for my need for more.
I don't predict that someone might feel stressed in a situation that would not stress me. I can certainly feel things on other people's behalf but not if their reaction is so far off the scale to what I would expect to feel in the same situation. His strongest reaction is to pain, he screams so loudly it distresses other people. He also never listens to music, he once said it is because it is too emotional. This may well explain his alcoholism and workaholism both have a numbing effect and let him block out emotions.
We actually have had this discussion a few times. I would like him to recognise that I am less sensitive than he is and compensate for it. It is much harder the other way around it is like telling a blind person to see rather than a seeing person to describe the scene. He seems to think I am not trying hard enough. How can a blind person TRY harder to see, a seeing person can certainly try harder to communicate with a blind person and let them know what's going on. But he just sighs in an "I give up" kind of way. The point is it is him that loses out, if he can't be bothered to explain there is no way I can "just know". But I can carry on quite happy and quite insensitive while he suffers - in silence.
I think I will order the book. Maybe by reading it he will understand why he is the way he is and understand that other people can't be expected to be like him. It's a gift for sure but it's also a pain in the arse.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Psychologist Jerome Kagen has researched reactivity in childen as being in part the amygdala being more reactive to stimulus. Oh and being the info-slut that I am here is a link to an article.
again...brilliant analysis, but the conclusions....not so much.
................................................................. You are in fear of yourself. Your are in fear of your own anger, and that is a battle you cannot win and one that will drive anyone crazy and seriously depressed. .................................................................
um, no. I am in fear of other people's reaction to it.
perhaps you don't understand quite what I mean by having to "pay". take a look at this thread...what is it now? going on 11 pages...best part of a week=a week living w/ a disgruntled spouse is the payment. and no, I can't just "choose" not to pay.
................................................................. Try to see that it is safe now to feel, to express emotions, to show anger .................................................................
try to see that "its not".
Maybe its part of the whole "HSP" thing...but these discussions are like walking through a minefield. one mindless mis-step, and "boom!". and you never know where its going to happen. I think it was fearless who mentioned recently "...whenever I find myself in a whole...STOP digging!!". well, in this metaphore, the shovel is my own mouth. That's the way these things always seem to lead. W's idea of "discussion" can be very lawyer-like, and every question is of the "have you stopped beating your wife" sort...impossible to answer without digging yourself in deeper. After a few hours of this, I find it easier to just "punt"...declare myself an @sswhole, and withdraw, hoping for better luck on my next posession.
................................................................. Last night, I wanted him to acknowledge last week's sexual encounters and say something like, "yes, last week was an improvement. I really felt closer to you, and I'd love it if we could have more weeks like that." .................................................................
I wanted to say that, because I really do think that. But you didn't give me the chance to say it. And its not an answer to the question that you asked, which was along the lines of "wasn't it just everything you could ever hope for"... 2 possible answers...one would be a lie, and promote a cessation of progress; the other...well, it just put us deeper into a tailspin. The "no-win" nature of these discussions makes them the real cheeseless tunnel.
anyway...looks like I'll have plenty of reading over the weekend. as if this BB wasn't already enough. @@@
take a look at this thread...what is it now? going on 11 pages...best part of a week=a week living w/ a disgruntled spouse is the payment.
Why is any of this “paying?” In fact, why do you feel any stress at all from reading these words on your PC? No one is standing over you forcing you to feel anxiety. You do that to yourself. Your W cannot do that to you either. If she is disgruntled, that is her problem. Why do you feel anxious? You can decide that none of this matters and not let any of it bother you. Yet you do. Why? Why do you CHOOSE to pay?
Cobra: Try to see that it is safe now to feel, to express emotions, to show anger CAC: try to see that "its not".
Again, how is it that you feel unsafe? Did your W come up to you just now and say something, or call you on the phone and chew you out? What happened specifically, in the real time and space surrounding your body, to MAKE you feel unsafe? If you are in your office, then the lights are still on, the A/C/Heater is still running, the sun is till shining, etc.
That feeling of anxiety came from within you. NOTHING caused you to feel that way EXCEPT for your preconditioned responses. Just like Pavlov’s dog. Do you see that?
CAC, just because someone disagrees with you or is unhappy with your actions, does not mean a minefield is getting ready to explode. That may have been the case in the past but it does not need to be that way in the future. I know you FEEL that way. But you were trained to feel that way through years of getting hammered for every little wrong thing you did. It can change. You will have to develop trust in others. That will be a tall order for you and it will require you to step way out of your comfort zone.
You can easily prevent that if you choose. All you have to do is hang on to your pessimism and resentment. If you TRY to see things optimistically and give the benefit of the doubt out of pure faith, then you might be able to see some signs that disagreements do not have to lead to you being attacked.
W's idea of "discussion" can be very lawyer-like, and every question is of the "have you stopped beating your wife" sort...impossible to answer without digging yourself in deeper.
MrsCAC, this is directed squarely at you. If you want this M to move forward, then make no attempts to debate or discredit what you H has just said. You do not have to agree with him for surely you see things differently from your POV. But this is how he sees it and this is how he feels. Acknowledge that and do everything you can not come across in this manner. Obviously when you do, it scares the bejesus out of him. This is where you will have to step out of your comfort zone.
After a few hours of this, I find it easier to just "punt"...declare myself an @sswhole, and withdraw, hoping for better luck on my next posession.
This might help to protect you, but just as MrsCAC needs to be aware of what threatens you, you need to be aware of what threatens her. When you withdraw, you feel safe but she feels abandoned. Then her anxiety kicks in and she gets terse and starts pushing to get affirmation from you. You think withdrawing de-escalates the tension, and for you it does, but to her, you are ramping up the tension.
I wanted to say that, because I really do think that. But you didn't give me the chance to say it…..
Then just say it. There does not need to be the perfect moment. If MrsCAC can work on not coming across in that terse, lawyerly fashion, then you do not need to worry about waiting for the optimal time to speak up. Just say what’s on your mind whenever you want to. You are dancing on eggshells right now. You give away your power. Do you see that?
