Thanks for the link to the HSP website. I took the test (not for myself because I am not HSP) but "on behalf of" my H. He scored 17, some I didn't tick because I didn't know what his answer would be so it is likely to be higher. On my own behalf I scored 4. He has a very hard time understanding my "lack of empathy". I just never understand his reactions to things. It is because he has highly sensitive reactions. I do not lack empathy I am just not a particularly reactive person - I can cope with most situations and thrive in a highly stimulating environment - I love it if there's too much to do and the phones are ringing off the hook and people are shouting at each other. It makes me feel alive. The more adrenalin I have pumping round my system the quicker my brain works and I like it.
I remember him once lying in bed and saying "I would just like to be somewhere cool and dark". AAARRRGGHH I can't tell you how much that ticked me off I just wanted to say "crawl off back under your stone then". I feel constantly thwarted by his need for less stimulation and I guess he feels constantly wound up and stressed for my need for more.
I don't predict that someone might feel stressed in a situation that would not stress me. I can certainly feel things on other people's behalf but not if their reaction is so far off the scale to what I would expect to feel in the same situation. His strongest reaction is to pain, he screams so loudly it distresses other people. He also never listens to music, he once said it is because it is too emotional. This may well explain his alcoholism and workaholism both have a numbing effect and let him block out emotions.
We actually have had this discussion a few times. I would like him to recognise that I am less sensitive than he is and compensate for it. It is much harder the other way around it is like telling a blind person to see rather than a seeing person to describe the scene. He seems to think I am not trying hard enough. How can a blind person TRY harder to see, a seeing person can certainly try harder to communicate with a blind person and let them know what's going on. But he just sighs in an "I give up" kind of way. The point is it is him that loses out, if he can't be bothered to explain there is no way I can "just know". But I can carry on quite happy and quite insensitive while he suffers - in silence.
I think I will order the book. Maybe by reading it he will understand why he is the way he is and understand that other people can't be expected to be like him. It's a gift for sure but it's also a pain in the arse.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
