Well first of all, read the divorce remedy from cover to cover.
It seems you are finding that some form of the Last Resort Technique is working for you. Good, keep at it. The most important thing about it is that it releases the pressure off your wife. The second thing is that it's giving you a little relief.
Here are some basics to think about.
1. Stop chasing her. Take the pressure off. No one is attracted to a drowning, derperate, miserable, unhappy man. As you pull back, you are giving her room to move towards you. Right now your fear and desperation are causing you to take up 98% of the space in your relationship. Pull back behind the 50% mark and let her take up some slack.
2. Get a life. YOU MUST DO THIS Take care of yourself. Start excercizing (nature's anti-depressants), start taking up hobbies you may have let slip. Take up some hobbies that are a little unusual for you. These activities have a proven psychological benefit. When you focus on something with intent, when you lose yourself in an activity, you don't dewll on your problems, and your creative side gets some oxygen and begins to kick in. Also, happy, fun people are more attractive. Yes?
3. Decide you will be OK without your wife. IT's the only way to get rid of the fear and anxiety that paralyzes us. The truth is you can't really snap out of fear. Once you believe that you don't need your wife to be happy, things will start to change. You will then start to invite her to your happy, full life rather than try to coerc her or judge her.
4. Be mysterious once in a while. Let her wonder about your wherabouts.
5. Get your sh%t together. Have you lost passion for life? Have you lost passion for your work? Is your career stalled? What's your mission in life? When a man has lost his passion/nerve/mission in life it makes him un-attractive to his wife. This is your wake-up call. This is for you, and potentially, for your wife's benefit. When you lose your mission is life, it de-masculinizes you, and your wife takes up the slack and tries to provide a mission for your family, and then she gets de-feminized. Your sexual polarity as a couple is off kilter and the attraction fades. There are two good resources on this: David Dada's The Way of the Superior Man and Cunningham's ebook, http://www.makingherhappy.com The only thing I really diagree with is these guys say if you are not happy with your wife, dump her. So, if you can ignore their dispoable view of marriage, you will have a lot to gain from them.
5. Be prepared for the emotional affair (EA) to rapidly become a physical affair (PA), if it has not already happened. They almost always do. And your wife will most probably lie to you about the physical nature of their affair. Sorry dude. That's not a death-knell for your marriage. It's not. You just need to be ready for it.
6. If she's in love with someone else, her bio-chemical state is altered. She's got endorphins and adrenaline pumping through her system for about 6-18 months. She's got a happy drug. That's the chemical component of a romance. It's almost equivalent to a form of mild psychosis. Her conscience is buried. Her reason is altered. Of course she'll say the kids will be OK. She only cares about how she feels right now. Remember Romeo and Juliet? Double suicide. Remember Othello? Murder. Listen to any good operas lately? Love makes us do crazy things. You will only survive this if you relaize your wife is nuts. THAT's not your wife.
7. In some sense she's right. This is not about the OM. It's about her. She re-defining herself. She's experiencing some form of new freedom. The alientation she felt with you part of her re-thinking everything. She's a little young to hav a mid life crisis, but it looks like one. Sexual abuse and strict religious uprbingings also cause this kind of stuff.
8. Think about what the OM gives her that makes her happy. Subtly start giving that to her if you can. Push her attraction buttons.
9. In summary: don't push her out (being nasty), don't try to pull her in (desperation and manipulation), rather, attract her back (giving space and getting a life).
You are doing great. Much better than I was at your stage.
