You are both right. I re-read my earlier posts and I see what you are saying. My posts do make me sound like a person who doubts who they are.
Over the past 6 months I have been so consumed with being a better husband and father that I have lost my way as a man. I've lost my mission in life, and I'm not living it in line my values and goals.
Honestly, I feel like this attitude only re-afflicted me recently. When I first was thrust into my situation, I like a lot of other posters here went through some dark depression. Then one day I was hugging my littlest girl feeling sad that I may be seperated from her (100% of the time) and I just came to a really profound realization. The things in the past - no longer exist, and the possible future - does not yet exist. And I can either live my life watching the movies of the past dwelling on the hurt and projecting what-ifs of the future and killing myself from the inside. OR i can really enjoy all the joy and happiness I have right now, and take advantage of the gift of being alive and do something positive. At that point I really started appreciating my kids, and my life, and at times even appreciating the good qualities of my wife (it was hard at times)
That attitude carried me through the hard times of hearing her tell me she thought we should seperate, etc. However now that some of that is diffused and we may be on track to reconcile, I started What-if-ing again.
Based on your posts, I think I actually understand where we are right now in our relationship now. She doesn't want to break up our family, she doesn't hate me, and she can't find anything majorly wrong with me, however she can't find anything majorly right with me either. I need to get back to myself, I need to do what makes me and my family happy day in and day out. I need to stop what-if-ing and start as-if-ing. She may cheat on me, she may leave me, I may even go through a painful divorce.
But right now life is good, and i have the power to make it better. I am going to stop trying to "act" a certain way for her. I can only be me, and if she likes it - fantastic. Otherwise, i am better without her, and she is better without me.
I am going to set some short term goals of things I want/need to do for me.
- Go to the gym 2 times a week - Go snowboarding with my friends at least once a week until the season ends (3 weeks), and then find another sport/activity for the spring and summer. - (i'm thinking trail running. - I live in seattle and the pacific northwest is beautiful in the summer) - Help my 6 year old to read better. - Take my 4 year old on walks twice a week to just talk and spend time together alone. - Work on reviving old friendships. - Work on making more business contacts for the future.
Very few people understand what goes on in the head of a man about to lose his family, thank you guys for understanding and offering your thoughts and help.
