hey, IP, what 25yrs, and JJ said are spot on. You are in the early days of this, and one day your H will see that this woman is not a very nice person at all, and he will decide for himself that he doesn't want her around his family. His eyes are just not opened all the way yet.
That's a good idea to watch some funny movies, the funnier the better, and even the really corny ones make me feel better, especially the ones that make me snort my drink out my nose
And try NOT to watch the cheating movies, believe me that's a tough one, because we watch Jericho, a new series, and there is a bar whore having an affair with a married man, and the married man chose her over his W, and his parents are really pi**ed off at him, and his W is pregnant. THAT is a tough show to watch with my H, but he LOVES the show, and I do too, actually. Another one is the Sopranos. It is being shown on A&E from the beginning, and the main Mafia guy is seeing a psychiatrist, whose name is the same as the ow in my sitch, ugghhh!! And Tony Soprano is cheating on his wife, and one night my H asked who the girl was, and I said it's just some who*e he is having an affair with! I hate to say it, but that is one of my favorite shows.
IP, you ARE doing well, no matter the slip-ups. You do need to put up the stop sign, though, even if it's tough. I have to put it up alot, too. Sometimes I have to leave the room and tell myself to shut my big mouth, before I say what I shouldn't. And when he says something mean or unfeeling, I have to remember that a soft answer turneth away wrath, that one really does work.
good luck to you and hugs, and when you and JJ do get to meet, I wish I could come to merry old England, too.
Where do you live anyhow, or at least, give me a vague idea....I'll post later (in the next day or so) on my thread if I can. Need feedback, but essentially am thinking wth, give it a try up there. H says "try for 2 years" and if we BOTH don't love it, WE leave. I think I believe him. Had a Nice weekend otherwise, for d18th birthday --she can vote--and not be tried as a juvenile---etc etc. Enough for now. Hope all is well with you and yours. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Wow you are all so great coming to my aid when I truly need it. Thank you all so much.
SDfoundgirl
That is so funny fantasising about her hair falling out :D. I cannot afford any MC unfortunately otherwise I really would get some as I think I need it. I think like you say this is all natural what I'm feeling I'm maybe just expecting too much of myself too soon - after all it has only been 4 months.
This OW problem seems determined to rear its ugly head constantly at the minute....we talked and kind of put it to rest again last night (meaning I decided I was achieving only more pain and to try again to deal with it in my head alone). We are working together in the garden today and my phone bleeps - I have a text. So I stop to read it and am dumbfounded - completely and utterly. It is from her! First off how has she got my mobile no.? She basically said that she was texting to say sorry if she appeared rude by leaving as soon as I arrived and that she was going to come round in person to apologise but didn't get chance and she hoped I was OK. I read it out to H who looked equally dumbfounded and asked if he'd given her my number or asked her to text me to apologise. He says he has done neither and I believe him. Needless to say this brought the whole topic to the front again and I tried my very hardest to tell H to leave me alone to ponder it and sort my feelings out but he wouldn't and seemed quite angry she had texted me when we had it sorted. We both managed not to escalate it too much though and the rest of the day was really nice.
However here I am in the early hours typing on here unable to sleep because I just cannot believe she has texted me and can think of all sorts of devious reasons why she has but am trying to put that stop sign up!
Thank you so much for taking so much time to help me. So much of what you have said is helpful and makes sense.
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Many MLC/WASs think that once they're home, all should be well. Some of them figure out a few "dates" and gifts to the LBSer should heal all the wounds they inflicted, MOST of which they may never know the full effects of.....But in reality, it is WE the LBSers who have our own little MLCs when they return home.
This is so true to how my H is being. He arranged lots of dates when he first came home and they have stopped now and he actually said yesterday that things should be OK by now and seems to be in complete denial that he has caused me any pain whatsoever. I think you are also right I'm maybe having my own little meltdown like my head is screaming OK I've nursed your pain for you all this time now deal with mine.
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But Realistically it's doubtful that an affair is going on NOW, isn't it? I mean, given what your H is saying and doing...IF there WAS an affair, and if it was with HER, then your H is trying to keep it in the past as an "ended" problem. Also, no matter what, you can always worry about OWs. If you want to, which you don't
I guess you are right it is very doubtful - he is spending more and more time at home with me and also if anything had happened with her it is unlikely they would still be talking if it had ended. I need to keep repeating this to myself don't I. I am not thinking of snooping no. At the end of the day there are only 2 people who know if anything happened so there is nothing to snoop on anyway. I don't think it is so much that I want to know if anything happened then more if it is still going on now. As you say if it happened and ended it doesn't matter now but if it were still happening it would matter.
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think the success of piecing together is going to depend on two things. First, you both have to identify what you each contributed to in the meltdown and agree to really work on that behavior. Second, you have to forgive each other. That takes as long as, if not more than, the first task. Forgiveness is a process that can follow a decision. But it's not an overnight thing and the WAS/MLC has to "get" that if they were gone a year, and not some wacked out weekend, then it'll take some real TIME to be okay again. My DB coach said that the LBSer "deserves" some demonstration of genuine remorse and effort to change on the part of the WASer. It's a balancing act b/c the WAS has to feel that they won't have this over their heads all their lives. They seem to feel that if we say we are forgiving them, then that is our responsibility and sometimes they don't see their own role in it.
Mmmmm. Very interesting. My H seems to be in a very delicate place at the minute - he cannot handle any confrontations well at all so is still healing I'm sure. As for forigiving him I hadn't really given it much thought - just so glad to have him back I didn't think about what he had done to hurt me. It seems only now it is coming up - four months in. I could completely understand why he left and my role in it so forgiving him for not handling it all better hasn't crossed my mind. Maybe this is what my current feelings are all about - needing to forgive him.
I have slipped a little with my DBg you have made me realise. I think while H is at work the next few nights I will reread DR and refresh myself with what I need to do. Thank you so much again j you have really helped.
You are so right about how I feed negative thoughts and let them take over. This has always been a problem for me. I tend to feel if I look on the bleak side I can't be dissappointed and could be pleasantly surprised. All the while it was happening when H was late I kept on trying to calm myself down and tell myself I was being ridiculous but my fear got the better of me.
I will read the do nothing and act as if sections I must admit I cannot even remember the do nothing section at all.
You are right it is early days unfortunately H doesn't seem to see this. I feel a little annoyed really because he has taken all this time (almost four months) to feel right about the intimacy side of things and I had to just wait and be patient and now he has that sorted in his head he thinks that's it everything should be normal and happy ever after now!! I'm like errr hello what about me I have issues too!! I cannot quite believe he has gone from needing all that time to just click your fingers its all sorted now. Unbelievable!
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Hang on in there IP....I would love to meet up with you one day if that's possible, IMO you're one amazing lady!!!
Hey wouldn't that be great! You were my inspiration when I first came to these boards because you had just started to get somewhere with your H and I went right back to the beginning of your thread to see how you achieved it!
I think maybe my H is starting to realise that being friends with her is just not worth it. When we first got back together he said there was no way he would stop texting her for me because he didn't see why he should just because she's female. Yesterday he said if not contacting her ever again would sort things forever between us he'd do it and then today when she texted me and opened it all back up again he looked quite angry and said he felt like telling her to not ever contact him again! So maybe his eyes are slowly focusing!
You guys are right I think I'm going to find a funny film to watch over the weekend while H is on nights.
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especially the ones that make me snort my drink out my nose
LOL!! Can't remember the last time that happened that can be my goal for the weekend!
I know what you mean about cheating films. I hate things where people split up too. They make me feel so nervous as though H will decide to go just by watching it! Crazy eh?
I need to practice that whole stop sign thing a lot more you're right. I'm not good at it. OK so I gave myself weekly targets not to mention ML so I'm going to do the same with being happy and stopping negative thoughts. I'm going to try to go a whole week without letting negative thoughts invade my head to the point of panic. I'll keep you all posted.
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good luck to you and hugs, and when you and JJ do get to meet, I wish I could come to merry old England, too.
He he!! how cool would that be! Oh I've thought of a recipe to share with you I'll post it on your thread.
Little Miss Sunshine---no kids, due to cussing (which isn't really gratuitous if you think about the characters), but with H. My H liked it even though no one exploded....
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
sounds like my H! I'll have to persuade him to rent it next time he has the weekend off.
I have been following everyone's wonderful advice and putting the W from his work's visit and text out of my head. I have been trying really hard to do the stop sign and it is working pretty well at the moment. Mind you I have to admit this is probably more because H is being extremely loving and attentive at the moment. It is fantastic! it is like we just met all over again and I have to say that if this is how it is going to stay then I'm glad our M had a bomb dropped on it because this one is so much better. He kisses me when he goes anywhere and when he comes back and cuddles up to me at night and in the morning and we are laughing and joking together...it is an unbelievably big difference from how we had gotten before. I am a different person too I think - and H says I am too. I'm so much more relaxed and hardly any of the things I used to stress about bother me anymore. I have realised there are much more important things in life than a cup being broken or something being put back in the wrong place. I am doing very well at occupying myself too. I used to sit around fed up unless H was home and now I think of so many things to do I'm struggling to fit them in!
I really do feel that my name is inbliss at the moment!
