(See end of post for advice needed for e-mails from H...)


Good to hear from you, Penny. Thanks so much for your support and encouragement. Yes, this is a tough battle daily. It's so nice to know that others have been there/are there now. It helps to not feel so alone. I honestly don't know what I would do without you guys... THANK YOU ALL!!!

Penny, I'm so glad that the funeral went well today. It sounds like you did a phenominal job! And H responded very well to you. Great! My therapist explained to me that H is here (holding right hand up) and I am here (holding left hand up). I (left hand) keep moving towards him (right hand), and he keeps moving away. I need to focus on moving me (left hand) the OPPOSITE WAY and making H (right hand) MOVE TOWARDS ME!!! I know this is the whole idea of everything we are doing right now, but the visual helps. I thought of that when you talked about the funeral, that it seems like H moved TOWARD YOU this time. GREAT JOB! Your DB techniques are working... Let this baby step today give you faith, strength, courage, and confidence to keep moving forward... Remember, it's never too late for a miracle. Decide what you want, have FAITH in it, and don't let go... Great job today, Penny.

Well, the show was great tonight. I have to tell you a funny story real quick... So I was gambling at the casino waiting for the show to start. I look up, and there is this man standing next to the machine I am playing. He says hi, and I say hi back. He ask if I am in Vegas alone, and I say yes, and he says he is, too. He is Italian and flew here from Italy. It is his first time here. So, at first I am flattered, and we just chit-chat small talk for a while while I keep playing my machine. I'm just enjoying the flattery of being paid attention to and am working on my conversation skills and being more confident and ougoing.

So, then he sits down next to me and starts playing the machine next to me. Again, no big deal. He then asks me if I live alone at home, and I tell him no, that I am married. He gets quiet, and so I continue the small talk purposely and continue to be friendly. Well, he then proceeds to tell me about this German woman that he met a few days ago in Vegas that he "spent the night with" the other night. She I guess was there with another couple or something??? So he tells me that either earlier today or yesterday she/they stole his jacket (he thinks) off of his chair while he was gambling and how he can't believe it. I told him how unfortunate that was and that I was sorry to hear it.

Then, HE WON'T STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!!!! He must have gone on and on about how she/they took his jacket. Then he tells me that he thinks this German woman is a lesbian because of how she was kissing and touching the other woman!!!!! Then, he tells me how she has her ears pierced, her nose pierced, her belly button pierced, and her crotch pierced!!! I thought I was on American's Funniest Home Videos or something! I didn't know what to say! THEN, he tells me how this woman told him she has a really hard time having orgasms and sometimes uses a vibrator! (Now I'm feeling REALLY uncomfortable - time to exit stage left!). THEN, if I understood him correctly, he said that she has the first orgasm with him in 24 years! Okay, that was it! I told him I had to leave to go to the show and that it was nice meeting him and that I hoped he enjoyed the rest of his stay in Vegas. THEN, he asks me if he can see me after the show. I told him no, that I was going back to my hotel after the show, and he asked where I was staying. I just said something vague and again told him that it was nice to meet him and BOLTED!!!! YIKES! Is that a funny story or what! Leave it to me to attract some psycho Italian man! LOL I walked away just shaking my head, not believing what had just happened...

Then, I get into the show, and they were kind enough to refund H's ticket for me, which I didn't expect, so that was nice. So I didn't know if anyone would be sitting next to me or not. So, it ends up that I sit next to this man who is sitting by himself as well. I ask him if he is there alone, and he told me yes and about the business trip he is on here. We chit-chatted until the show started and had a very nice conversation. I told him I was there by myself,that I was supposed to be with H but that he didn't make it. I told him about our business, etc. I pushed myself to be outgoing and nice. He was a really nice person. I was not attracted to him in any way (he was older and not "my type"), but it was just nice to talk to someone that doesn't know H that I could just be myself around.

So, another single man sat on the other side of me, so I was sandwiched between two single guys... And the show I went to see was Zumanity. Don't know if any of you have heard/seen it, but it's HIGHLY sexual, and I got so uncomfortable sometimes sitting there as the meat in a single man sandwich... It would have been the PERFECT show for H and I to see (NOT now, but when things are better between us). So I'll remember that and will look forward to going with H someday. It was an interesting show - great acrobatics, some kind of "weird" sexual stuff, and very erotic and sensual. It was just kind of weird being there by myself - not because I was by myself but because of the content of the show. But, I'm so glad that I went, and I had a nice time. When the show was over, the nice man that I talked to before the show told me to be sure to tell H what a good show he missed... (God, is that YOU? I'M LISTENING... Help me hear...)

So, I was exhausted after the show and just headed back to the hotel. So, I get back to the hotel, and H wrote me two e-mails, both at just before 9 pm... Again, he is purposely trying to let me know that he's working late and not just galavanting over to her house? I don't know and know I'm not supposed to care but can't help at least thinking about it.

So in his first e-mail he asks some business questions and asks me if I would like to e-mail him some move-in paperwork and that he will take care of a move-in on Saturday. At the end of the e-mail, he says that he hopes I am okay and am enjoying myself... I thought that was a little baby step towards moving towards me, but I don't know. The "hopes I'm okay" leads me to believe that my distance from him is at least making him think...

His second e-mail was just a P.S. e-mail asking if I wanted him to put some checks he received into a bank account, which was nice of him to offer.

SO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW! Help!!! He really does need to know some answers to some business questions for tomorrow. Should I e-mail him now (it's really late) so that he knows I'm up late enjoying myself? Do I wait until the morning/afternoon tomorrow? I wish I didn't have to contact him at all, but there are some questions that he asked that I do really need to get back to him on before I get back... So when I do respond to his e-mail, what do I say? I want to be distant and brief, yet friendly, and I don't want to reveal anything about my emotions, the time I'm having, etc. - or SHOULD I tell him that I'm having a great time?!?!?! HELP!!!!

Gotta get some rest now. Let me know what you think ASAP!