SAD WHEN OW COMES BEFORE HIS KIDS!!!

[25yearsmlc]

Everything mothermoving on says is right on. By attacking the H's choices (ow) you force him to defend them instead of looking at them objectively. You unite them, against the world, you, etc. Also, no matter how justified and I get that you feel justified and I would too.....but no matter, anger and negative feedback do NOT WORK...period. We must lose the anger when we talk to them. It does not help. Yet we do it again and again, going down the "cheeseless tunnel". Losing our anger Does not mean being a doormat but does mean stay calm, avoid spewing. My DB coach said to "Keep the Road Home Paved and Smooth" and to "applaud loudly for the 1% of good he does/says" and that is MOTHER TERESA HARD TO DO.....really, I get that.

But if you want to stay in the M, then maybe you can do some DBing with the goal of him saying something with "content" and you reacting in a supportive way. ALSO, my DB coach said, to "Listen like a lover/best friend" and it does help.
Example--h used to pay all bills but went on his MLC trip and stopped paying some, paid others, ya da ya da. I found it stressful to pay all the bills but expected H to overreact if I said anything about it. I did say I needed copy of a bill and H said, "Finally you are paying them like I did all those years and now you know a little bit of what it was like for me!" to which I said, "And I want to thank you for doing it all those years b/c now that I am doing them, it IS stressful, so thanks again."

H was silent. It was a small but pivotal moment. And eventually H shared about work, or personnel issues, and I did my best to listen. When he felt safe and like I wouldn't attack him or his choices, he opened more and we got closer, rest is history. I am just telling you this as a "teaching" point b/c I didn't always know what DBing meant in real life.

Hope this helps. Stay calm and focussed on your overall goal. If you find the anger and pain to be too much to carry, as I did, turn it over to God. Do some letting go and forgiving exercises BEFORE you expect to talk with your H...it helps to stay calm. You want him to feel safe with you, no matter what you plan to do. Share happy times you have with the kids, with him if you can. Build as many good memories as you can. Remember, you want to counter his negatives with positives. Otherwise you fuel his fire and validate his decisions.
j-