Sounds like your H is very paranoid. Why don't you do a search regarding restraining orders in your state of residence.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Momof2girls What state did this happen in? My H old D draft waas done by his mediator and before i told him i would not sign, but last nite i said was no longer going to his doormat and i was ready to sign the papers now. Yet i know if i put that clause of her not being around my kids he will not go for it and it will long and drawn out again.
It's kinda weird how he reacted to me standing up for myself and the his making the kids lie as i was discussing this and other things that were on my mind. I did not feel like cooking for him last nite and he actually started to cook and when he finished he came to me while i was on the computer and said "i thought i would never say this, but get off the computer and come eat" He was actually being nice! I told him that i am a much better woman than his skank GF and that she had nothing on me and he said ok then why keep all the fussing? I said b/c i am tired of you using the kids for your lying and your dirty work. I am ashamed to say your their father, you are teaching them how to lie for you! Of course his response is always another lie, hey kids did i tell you not tell mommy? Anywho............. I thought he might keeep going into details of us needing a D ,but after he said that i can keep the house and all i had to do is change the electric to my name, he dropped it and started to kinda be playfully hitting or nudging me and trying really hard to see who i was typing to (this website). I was confused he did not respond like he normally would like before at the beginning of all of this when he was dead set that he was done. It was like his old self when he knew he did something wrong and would playfully come to me ( this is his way of apologizing and tryiong to make up).
YOu know your marriage better than any of us, and believe me, I understand with a complete and total depth the pain that infidelity causes, but as someone who has been around for a while I will tell you this: Your focus on ow is very unhealthy. I know it is hard, but you MUST try to move beyond obsessing about her.
I did it too, still do to some degree, but it's better than it was. If she is a skank ho then give her the attention you would give a skank ho--NONE. When you call her or bring her up to your H or your friends and family you are infusing her with far more credit and power than she deserves. At least with H, pretend she is a no-body (here you can vent all you like, that's what's great about this forum).
Telling him that she is a low life will only put his focus on her more and you want his focus to come away from her. "What you focus on expands" that was a phrase I heard around here a lot when i first started posting.
As for ow seeing the kids, there is nothing you can do legally but you can tell your H something like this: "It is my policy as a mother that, for my children's sake and for their future mental health and well being, that you not expose them to your relationship with ow. Children are very vulnerable and I have read that the effects of adultery on children show up much later in life. Please respect our family and children enough not to harm the people you love most in the world." Obviously he has his priorities all screwed up but give him the benefit of the doubt and set the standard for good and reasonable behavior.
YOu have to place emphasis on your concern for your kids and remember, knowledge is power!
My lawyer told me that it would be very difficult if not impossible to have anything written into the D that prevents my kids fro being around ow, BUT he did say we could have written in there NO OVERNIGHTS while ow is there.
Remember you are your children's advocate and one of the most important things you can do for them during this time is to try to facilitate a good relationship with their father. I KNOW this is hard and a part of you wants them to hate him for this, but your children will be so much better off if they can see mommy and daddy being kind to one another. One of the biggest heart-aches for kids, beyond even the divorce, is seeing their mother and father become hateful toward one another--they are afterall half of each of you and forever bound by blood.
Good luck, it is an awful journey we are on but believe it or not, life can be better than it ever was--when one door closes, another one opens.
Mothermovingon, I like your login name! I too have to some degree (better now than months ago) have stoped obsessing so much on OW like i psoted before i have only called her once in the beginning (september 06) and then again the other day when she did not come to the phone. I really don't like bringing her up on our topics of conversation at home and i have had a bad habit of trying to see hwere he is at w/ her by asying something sarcastic about his R w/ her just to see what he says, like sometimes he will say no.. she is mad at me b/c i have not beeen spending any tiem w/ her lately or something to that sort. THen (amazingly enough) there has been times when H tells me to "lets stop talking about her"?!? Up intil this past saturday when i was out of town for business i was starting to think that maybe they had a fallen out or something b/c he was coming home on time and not going out like before, but i guess i was wrong. I had been sliding bcak on my positive thinking and now like Snodderly said i need to get back on my feet. Thanks, Snodderly i think i took your advice last nite by showing my H i will not be his doormat any longer and i actually did get his respect for it last night!
Hey everyone!! Can someone give me some examples on detaching while H is still at home? I have beeen trying,but this only seems to make him think that I am seeing someone else too! Even though that is not my intention it seems to be working!!! The last two days he has "accidentally" called me honey or sweetie and of course has caught himself right after and playfully says oops why did i just call you that!
I don't know maybe it's cuz I am letting go and letting God?
Keep up the good work......the less you focus on H and the more you focus on you and the children, the better things will feel. The harder it is to do - the more likely it is the right thing to do!
Me 36 ring on H 41 ring off S2 Together since 1992 Married: 2000 Bomb Aug 06 H moved out Oct 06 (and straight in with OW)
Everything mothermoving on says is right on. By attacking the H's choices (ow) you force him to defend them instead of looking at them objectively. You unite them, against the world, you, etc. Also, no matter how justified and I get that you feel justified and I would too.....but no matter, anger and negative feedback do NOT WORK...period. We must lose the anger when we talk to them. It does not help. Yet we do it again and again, going down the "cheeseless tunnel". Losing our anger Does not mean being a doormat but does mean stay calm, avoid spewing. My DB coach said to "Keep the Road Home Paved and Smooth" and to "applaud loudly for the 1% of good he does/says" and that is MOTHER TERESA HARD TO DO.....really, I get that.
But if you want to stay in the M, then maybe you can do some DBing with the goal of him saying something with "content" and you reacting in a supportive way. ALSO, my DB coach said, to "Listen like a lover/best friend" and it does help. Example--h used to pay all bills but went on his MLC trip and stopped paying some, paid others, ya da ya da. I found it stressful to pay all the bills but expected H to overreact if I said anything about it. I did say I needed copy of a bill and H said, "Finally you are paying them like I did all those years and now you know a little bit of what it was like for me!" to which I said, "And I want to thank you for doing it all those years b/c now that I am doing them, it IS stressful, so thanks again."
H was silent. It was a small but pivotal moment. And eventually H shared about work, or personnel issues, and I did my best to listen. When he felt safe and like I wouldn't attack him or his choices, he opened more and we got closer, rest is history. I am just telling you this as a "teaching" point b/c I didn't always know what DBing meant in real life.
Hope this helps. Stay calm and focussed on your overall goal. If you find the anger and pain to be too much to carry, as I did, turn it over to God. Do some letting go and forgiving exercises BEFORE you expect to talk with your H...it helps to stay calm. You want him to feel safe with you, no matter what you plan to do. Share happy times you have with the kids, with him if you can. Build as many good memories as you can. Remember, you want to counter his negatives with positives. Otherwise you fuel his fire and validate his decisions. j-
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 03/30/0704:18 AM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
