If I keep pushing, he just says that he's an @sshole and that's the way it is. This is not helpful.
Just wanted to comment on this… at the risk of wearing out my welcome on deflections, well, this sounds like a deflection to me. I think CAC takes your “pushing” as an attack on who he is. Remember, that is how he was trained to hear these things. So unless a comment is a direct compliment, it comes through as a criticism. Black or white. That puts him into self deprecating victim mode.
Again, remember that based on what you said, his father was verbally abusive to him, and since kids cannot assert themselves against adults, he can either rebel and fight back, or resign himself to the message that he is no good.
So your comments now put him in victim mode. The easiest way to avoid this “criticism” is to shut it off. He is thinking that he might as well, he believes you are already criticizing him. So he beats you at your own game. He demeans himself more that you ever intended, which takes away your thunder. There is little more you can say. He deflects you and he stays safe.
IMO, the way to counter this is to not accept his self deprecation, since it isn’t even close to the truth. Just tell him to stop hiding under such an excuses, that he is not an @sshole, that he is good, responsible, caring, etc, and that you still love him, but he needs to answer your questions.
I've asked him several times to read Michele's book again, but he hasn't. He hasn't even agreed to do so. He can't make heads or tails out of Schnarch so he isn't likely to pick that up again. I started reading it and trying to decipher it for him, but that didn't work either.
