Well, it was the infamous evening with the C today. Actually it turned out quite well (for me that is). Usually I don't seem to get much out of the sessions but this one really hit home - probably because he sided with me (I could tell) and really gave H a 2x4 because he kept evading answering the questions. Told him he was using the typical defense mechanism and it wasn't working.
We also talked about validation and how H totally crushes anything good he might say to me by adding "but ....." at the end of it. For instance, C asked him if he understood what I had just said to him (expressing my feelings) and he said "of course I heard her but ...." C jumped right on that one and said "don't you realize that anything good you have done you have just destroyed it and more by adding the "but" and your comment to the end. H said "I didn't mean anything by it" and the C said "well then you shouldn't have said it. Think the next time and just pause for 5-10 seconds without saying "but" at the end."
My H has a lot of problems stemming from being adopted but doesn't want to use it as an excuse for his behaviour. However, it is a reality. He goes through bouts of lonliness but doesn't ever talk to me about it. C asked him why and he said "there's nothing she can do about it, it's just the way I am". C said "that might be the case but you have a partner sitting beside you that cares about you and is willing to be by your side to listen to you, why won't you open up and let her do that for you." H sat there, somewhat stunned and just said "that's a good question, I don't know the answer". You know, I think something finally hit a soft spot And, I also know what the answer is, even if H doesn't. He's scared, plain and simple, to be vulnerable for fear of getting hurt and abandoned again (back to the adoption issue).
But for the first time in a long while, I feel as though there is hope. It started a couple of days ago and hasn't faded yet so that is a real good sign that the roller coaster is slowing down. I am not about to take the seat belt off just yet but I also don't think I am going to be sick to my stomach either and THAT is a wonderful feeling
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
(I could tell) and really gave H a 2x4 because he kept evading answering the questions. Told him he was using the typical defense mechanism and it wasn't working.