Me coming from a POV of what do these things look like? After all I come from Mars, so explain how I could measure your H taking responsibility for his half of the M?

This is what NOP wrote to me yesterday:

Quote:
Don't make the mistake of trying to assess blame in the relationship. You be 100% responsible for your half of the relationship. That includes having sex with hubby. Hubby needs to be 100% responsible for his half of the relationship. That includes treating you with respect.


I realize now that I haven't figured out exactly what. I thought this was about how each of us has contributed to the problems. I have written about some of mine on the BB. Once we figure this out and then figure out what each of us needs from the the M (our responsibilities), we can try to meet those responsibilities.

On #2, name one thing that would be measurable by an outside observer, that would indicate cac4 doing something “committed.” He did give you specific instructions about backing up the files to the company computer one or more times.

I'm not talking about the finances! What I mean is that I want him to say, "yes, I'm committed to trying to figure out how to fix our problems." Then he does what NOP asked him: figures out specifically what he needs to do. He will need my help because only I know what I need. I know that physical touch is his love language; mine are words of affirmation and quality time. So I work on being open and enthusiastic about ML and whatever else he needs, and he works on giving me some quality time, i.e. time without the TV. He has been working on this somewhat. Words of affirmation, for me, right now, boils down to positive feedback. Last night, I wanted him to acknowledge last week's sexual encounters and say something like, "yes, last week was an improvement. I really felt closer to you, and I'd love it if we could have more weeks like that." He'd have found himself ML again last night if he had said something like that. (He did compliment my "tasty dinner," which was good.) But, since sex is the reason we're here, and it's such a big issue, I need feedback on how I'm doing, and I'd like it to be balanced (some positive, some constructive).

Even when we're having a disagreement like the one that prompted this thread, he could diffuse things if he could reach out to me in some way, i.e., give me a hug and tell me we'll work it out. I've gone over to him and hugged him during arguments, and it really seems to stop the momentum of the argument. That would have made a huge difference. I have told him this.

A cheese-filled tunnel might be 1) acknowledgement of his role in our problems; 2) stating his appreciation for my efforts (he has done it here a few times, but I'd love for him to say it to me); 3) reassuring me that yes, he is going to do all he can to work on fixing the problems and taking action; 4) agreeing to read one of the books I mentioned (he did this tonight! :)). I need to see some type of positive action on his part.

Thanks for the recommendations! I'll check them out.