Thank you all for your posts and encouragement. Just wanted to write a quick note to let you know that I have stabilized for the time being... LOL I had to pop down three Xanax to get myself under control (this one was a bad one). But I'm feeling good now... LOL
I was able to get some work done and am going to go get ready to go to gamble and to the show now. I am looking forward to it.
I STILL HAVE NOT TALKED TO H!!!! Yeah! He called earlier today, and I had my phone with me and saw it was him and purposely let it go to voicemail (took everything I had in me to do that). AND I DID IT! He left a message and said at the first part of his message that he hoped I was having a fun trip, so that was nice. Then he told me about some business issues and told him to call him if I needed him to do any showing at the job site or anything and then said something "thanks, I appreciate it" - or something like that, cold and acquaintance-like... Anyway, baby steps.
I forgot to tell you, too, that he's gotten two applications for units since I've been gone all by himself and faxed them in for processing. He faxed me copies. I was impressed with his initiative, and sad at the same time, realizing that it's just another thing that he doesn't really need for me. I'm not sad because he can do it, because I know he can, and that makes me happy if we don't stay in business together. I'm just sad because he doesn't really need me for it... I hope that makes sense.
Anyway, there are a few things that I should probably be calling him about to touch base regarding the business, but I have elected to not do so unless an emergency comes up - no matter what. All calls I receive from him when I'm available here will go to voicemail, and I will not call back unless it's absolutely necessary that I do. Otherwise, NO CONTACT until I get home. AND I'm going to work on continuing that once I do get home. I don't want him to think that Vegas was just a ploy to get him back. I need to keep the dynamics changed and not be so available to him - business or otherwise.
I spent an hour or two late last night re-reading the LRT and writing down how it applies to me, some specific points I want to remember, and some boundaries I intend to set with H when I get home. I want to post my boundaries to you guys first and get feedback before I talk to him. I hope I'll have time to get them posted tomorrow to you all.
I also have a call in to DB to see if I can schedule a session with Jody first thing Saturday morning to discuss with her how I should act and what I should do when I get home as far as initial and ongoing interactions with H and also to discuss with her the boundaries I've come up with. I worked really hard to think about how I would change things if I really thought it was over, and I set my boundaries accordingly. I think it's going to blow H away if I end up setting them all, and I know it's also going to be hard on me, but I also think it will be the best for both of us in the long run.
Sneak preview = he can no longer come back to our home unless he is going to come home for good, no more ML to me until he has officially ended it with her and is home for good, no more coming home AT ALL until he is going to come home for good (he doesn't need to move out, but I want him to make a list of everything he thinks he MAY need at some point and come to the house at a time I know he's going to do it and get those things and STAY OUT after that). If there are things he discovers later that he wants/needs, he would need to let me know. I'm just tired of coming home just to find he's taken one more thing of his from our house. It hurts me, and I need to set boundaries that help with my hurt.
Biggie = I think I'm going to move my office stuff back to our house and work out of our house and let him work by himself out of our office. In thinking thoroughly about this, it is really hard on me to see both him every day, not know when he's coming and going, have my heart ripped out by his "cold" treatment of me daily, see his "suitcases" in the office closet, see all of the business pictures and things that remind of of us, have him keep coming and going without the courtesy of even saying hello and good bye (I know you've told me to let this go, but it still hurts)... Anyway, ALL or most of these things could be avoided if I wasn't in that environment anymore. It would limit my contact with him, which I think will help me tremendously right now.
I've got to run, but one of the things I'm going to ask Jody about is family gatherings with his family. We are supposed to get together with them for Easter, and his family is also planning a family game night soon. As things have been, I would go and put a fake smile on my face and act as if everything was okay. But, truly, if everything was over between us, I would NOT be going to family functions, so should I tell H I won't be going unless and until we are back together? The down side is that this may/probably will create suspicions with his family, since they don't know....
So, there's more to tell you about my boundaries I'm working on, but there's a few. I would appreciate any feedback that you guys have.
I'M OUTTA HERE TO GET DRESSED UP NICE, FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, AND HAVE A GREAT TIME TONIGHT!!! Back to strong, confident me. I AM loveable... I will check in when I get back in tonight.
BTW, I went to see the movie "Music and Lyrics" today with Drew Barrymore, thinking it would be a cute, no-brainer movie, which it was. Virginia, when I was having my meltdown earlier, I told God I was listening and asked Him to help me hear... I immediately thought back to the movie and how Drew played "hard to get" and how that brought the guy back to her... I've GOT to let H go for now and make him come back to me... God give me strength....
