New Thread for 2940!!!!

[2940831]

Hey there --

Thank you all for your posts and encouragement. Just wanted to write a quick note to let you know that I have stabilized for the time being... LOL I had to pop down three Xanax to get myself under control (this one was a bad one). But I'm feeling good now... LOL

I was able to get some work done and am going to go get ready to go to gamble and to the show now. I am looking forward to it.

I STILL HAVE NOT TALKED TO H!!!! Yeah! He called earlier today, and I had my phone with me and saw it was him and purposely let it go to voicemail (took everything I had in me to do that). AND I DID IT! He left a message and said at the first part of his message that he hoped I was having a fun trip, so that was nice. Then he told me about some business issues and told him to call him if I needed him to do any showing at the job site or anything and then said something "thanks, I appreciate it" - or something like that, cold and acquaintance-like... Anyway, baby steps.

I forgot to tell you, too, that he's gotten two applications for units since I've been gone all by himself and faxed them in for processing. He faxed me copies. I was impressed with his initiative, and sad at the same time, realizing that it's just another thing that he doesn't really need for me. I'm not sad because he can do it, because I know he can, and that makes me happy if we don't stay in business together. I'm just sad because he doesn't really need me for it... I hope that makes sense.

Anyway, there are a few things that I should probably be calling him about to touch base regarding the business, but I have elected to not do so unless an emergency comes up - no matter what. All calls I receive from him when I'm available here will go to voicemail, and I will not call back unless it's absolutely necessary that I do. Otherwise, NO CONTACT until I get home. AND I'm going to work on continuing that once I do get home. I don't want him to think that Vegas was just a ploy to get him back. I need to keep the dynamics changed and not be so available to him - business or otherwise.

I spent an hour or two late last night re-reading the LRT and writing down how it applies to me, some specific points I want to remember, and some boundaries I intend to set with H when I get home. I want to post my boundaries to you guys first and get feedback before I talk to him. I hope I'll have time to get them posted tomorrow to you all.

I also have a call in to DB to see if I can schedule a session with Jody first thing Saturday morning to discuss with her how I should act and what I should do when I get home as far as initial and ongoing interactions with H and also to discuss with her the boundaries I've come up with. I worked really hard to think about how I would change things if I really thought it was over, and I set my boundaries accordingly. I think it's going to blow H away if I end up setting them all, and I know it's also going to be hard on me, but I also think it will be the best for both of us in the long run.

Sneak preview = he can no longer come back to our home unless he is going to come home for good, no more ML to me until he has officially ended it with her and is home for good, no more coming home AT ALL until he is going to come home for good (he doesn't need to move out, but I want him to make a list of everything he thinks he MAY need at some point and come to the house at a time I know he's going to do it and get those things and STAY OUT after that). If there are things he discovers later that he wants/needs, he would need to let me know. I'm just tired of coming home just to find he's taken one more thing of his from our house. It hurts me, and I need to set boundaries that help with my hurt.

Biggie = I think I'm going to move my office stuff back to our house and work out of our house and let him work by himself out of our office. In thinking thoroughly about this, it is really hard on me to see both him every day, not know when he's coming and going, have my heart ripped out by his "cold" treatment of me daily, see his "suitcases" in the office closet, see all of the business pictures and things that remind of of us, have him keep coming and going without the courtesy of even saying hello and good bye (I know you've told me to let this go, but it still hurts)... Anyway, ALL or most of these things could be avoided if I wasn't in that environment anymore. It would limit my contact with him, which I think will help me tremendously right now.

I've got to run, but one of the things I'm going to ask Jody about is family gatherings with his family. We are supposed to get together with them for Easter, and his family is also planning a family game night soon. As things have been, I would go and put a fake smile on my face and act as if everything was okay. But, truly, if everything was over between us, I would NOT be going to family functions, so should I tell H I won't be going unless and until we are back together? The down side is that this may/probably will create suspicions with his family, since they don't know....

So, there's more to tell you about my boundaries I'm working on, but there's a few. I would appreciate any feedback that you guys have.

I'M OUTTA HERE TO GET DRESSED UP NICE, FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, AND HAVE A GREAT TIME TONIGHT!!! Back to strong, confident me. I AM loveable... I will check in when I get back in tonight.

BTW, I went to see the movie "Music and Lyrics" today with Drew Barrymore, thinking it would be a cute, no-brainer movie, which it was. Virginia, when I was having my meltdown earlier, I told God I was listening and asked Him to help me hear... I immediately thought back to the movie and how Drew played "hard to get" and how that brought the guy back to her... I've GOT to let H go for now and make him come back to me... God give me strength....

Thanks again, you guys.

[2940831]

BTW, great to hear from you again, 1210. I was worried that you had given up on me...

[PennyMB]

HI 2940,
Sorry to hear that you have had a bad day. Don't get down on your self. I'm glad that Virginia told you to to talk to God. I alway s tell god hey this one is to tough for me to handle can you help me.
I made it thru the funeral. My H complemented me on how much weight I had lost and how nice of clothes and how well I looked. He even told me it was nice to see me. I told him it was nice to see him too. He came to the house and then said he had to get back to work they are trying to make my bIL Diesel plant work. I think he stopped and had supper with a friend Not the OW but another close friend that takes alot of time. I talked to another BIL that told me that he thinks which makes sense that my H wants to be best friends and business partners even like brothers and sisters but not like husband and wife.

Does that sound like you?

I am proud of you thinking about moving your office. It is very hard dealing day by day and knowing they want your support in the business but someone else at night.

I am proud of how well you are seeing things now. It has taken me years and I still hesitake on things because I want the best to happen. I am like you though I have given him years to make a change for me. I will keep trying but have started preparing myself and thinking about business deals that I can do.

Enjoy the rest of your vacation. If I was closer I would join you. Hang in there. You are thinking with a bettermind.

[2940831]

(See end of post for advice needed for e-mails from H...)


Good to hear from you, Penny. Thanks so much for your support and encouragement. Yes, this is a tough battle daily. It's so nice to know that others have been there/are there now. It helps to not feel so alone. I honestly don't know what I would do without you guys... THANK YOU ALL!!!

Penny, I'm so glad that the funeral went well today. It sounds like you did a phenominal job! And H responded very well to you. Great! My therapist explained to me that H is here (holding right hand up) and I am here (holding left hand up). I (left hand) keep moving towards him (right hand), and he keeps moving away. I need to focus on moving me (left hand) the OPPOSITE WAY and making H (right hand) MOVE TOWARDS ME!!! I know this is the whole idea of everything we are doing right now, but the visual helps. I thought of that when you talked about the funeral, that it seems like H moved TOWARD YOU this time. GREAT JOB! Your DB techniques are working... Let this baby step today give you faith, strength, courage, and confidence to keep moving forward... Remember, it's never too late for a miracle. Decide what you want, have FAITH in it, and don't let go... Great job today, Penny.

Well, the show was great tonight. I have to tell you a funny story real quick... So I was gambling at the casino waiting for the show to start. I look up, and there is this man standing next to the machine I am playing. He says hi, and I say hi back. He ask if I am in Vegas alone, and I say yes, and he says he is, too. He is Italian and flew here from Italy. It is his first time here. So, at first I am flattered, and we just chit-chat small talk for a while while I keep playing my machine. I'm just enjoying the flattery of being paid attention to and am working on my conversation skills and being more confident and ougoing.

So, then he sits down next to me and starts playing the machine next to me. Again, no big deal. He then asks me if I live alone at home, and I tell him no, that I am married. He gets quiet, and so I continue the small talk purposely and continue to be friendly. Well, he then proceeds to tell me about this German woman that he met a few days ago in Vegas that he "spent the night with" the other night. She I guess was there with another couple or something??? So he tells me that either earlier today or yesterday she/they stole his jacket (he thinks) off of his chair while he was gambling and how he can't believe it. I told him how unfortunate that was and that I was sorry to hear it.

Then, HE WON'T STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!!!! He must have gone on and on about how she/they took his jacket. Then he tells me that he thinks this German woman is a lesbian because of how she was kissing and touching the other woman!!!!! Then, he tells me how she has her ears pierced, her nose pierced, her belly button pierced, and her crotch pierced!!! I thought I was on American's Funniest Home Videos or something! I didn't know what to say! THEN, he tells me how this woman told him she has a really hard time having orgasms and sometimes uses a vibrator! (Now I'm feeling REALLY uncomfortable - time to exit stage left!). THEN, if I understood him correctly, he said that she has the first orgasm with him in 24 years! Okay, that was it! I told him I had to leave to go to the show and that it was nice meeting him and that I hoped he enjoyed the rest of his stay in Vegas. THEN, he asks me if he can see me after the show. I told him no, that I was going back to my hotel after the show, and he asked where I was staying. I just said something vague and again told him that it was nice to meet him and BOLTED!!!! YIKES! Is that a funny story or what! Leave it to me to attract some psycho Italian man! LOL I walked away just shaking my head, not believing what had just happened...

Then, I get into the show, and they were kind enough to refund H's ticket for me, which I didn't expect, so that was nice. So I didn't know if anyone would be sitting next to me or not. So, it ends up that I sit next to this man who is sitting by himself as well. I ask him if he is there alone, and he told me yes and about the business trip he is on here. We chit-chatted until the show started and had a very nice conversation. I told him I was there by myself,that I was supposed to be with H but that he didn't make it. I told him about our business, etc. I pushed myself to be outgoing and nice. He was a really nice person. I was not attracted to him in any way (he was older and not "my type"), but it was just nice to talk to someone that doesn't know H that I could just be myself around.

So, another single man sat on the other side of me, so I was sandwiched between two single guys... And the show I went to see was Zumanity. Don't know if any of you have heard/seen it, but it's HIGHLY sexual, and I got so uncomfortable sometimes sitting there as the meat in a single man sandwich... It would have been the PERFECT show for H and I to see (NOT now, but when things are better between us). So I'll remember that and will look forward to going with H someday. It was an interesting show - great acrobatics, some kind of "weird" sexual stuff, and very erotic and sensual. It was just kind of weird being there by myself - not because I was by myself but because of the content of the show. But, I'm so glad that I went, and I had a nice time. When the show was over, the nice man that I talked to before the show told me to be sure to tell H what a good show he missed... (God, is that YOU? I'M LISTENING... Help me hear...)

So, I was exhausted after the show and just headed back to the hotel. So, I get back to the hotel, and H wrote me two e-mails, both at just before 9 pm... Again, he is purposely trying to let me know that he's working late and not just galavanting over to her house? I don't know and know I'm not supposed to care but can't help at least thinking about it.

So in his first e-mail he asks some business questions and asks me if I would like to e-mail him some move-in paperwork and that he will take care of a move-in on Saturday. At the end of the e-mail, he says that he hopes I am okay and am enjoying myself... I thought that was a little baby step towards moving towards me, but I don't know. The "hopes I'm okay" leads me to believe that my distance from him is at least making him think...

His second e-mail was just a P.S. e-mail asking if I wanted him to put some checks he received into a bank account, which was nice of him to offer.

SO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW! Help!!! He really does need to know some answers to some business questions for tomorrow. Should I e-mail him now (it's really late) so that he knows I'm up late enjoying myself? Do I wait until the morning/afternoon tomorrow? I wish I didn't have to contact him at all, but there are some questions that he asked that I do really need to get back to him on before I get back... So when I do respond to his e-mail, what do I say? I want to be distant and brief, yet friendly, and I don't want to reveal anything about my emotions, the time I'm having, etc. - or SHOULD I tell him that I'm having a great time?!?!?! HELP!!!!

Gotta get some rest now. Let me know what you think ASAP!

[PennyMB]

Hi 2940,

Just a quick note before I go to work. What a funny story. How funny that you would be sandwiched between 2 single guys at the show. You will be able to laugh about that for a while. I think the Italian guy is hysterical and I think you got out of there right in time.
I have to tell you just being able to talk to you helps me tremdously. I'm not sure what to tell you about the business e-mail. If it is extremely important just e-mail him the answers and I'm not sure what you do on having fun. I always jump and do the wrong thing. Hopefully someone with more experience and better advice will have answers for you.
Thank you for being supportive and to listening to me too.
Have fun your last day in Vegas enjoy yourself. And watch out for those Italian Guys . Ha!!!!

Keep your head up. You are making great progress.
Gotta Run Have a good day.

[Kim07]

294,,,

Great to hear you're having fun, making a list & checking it twice! That movie is a good one, i've seen it too! If you want a real good "how to" movie re: playing hard to get,,,watch the O2(oxygen network)channel,,there is a movie called "Two can play that game" 2001-w/Vivica Fox,,I can't find it in stores or anywhere else-its' so good,,,BUT,,whatever you do, DON'T see the new "Premonition" movie(only in theaters) after seeing it yesterday I seemed to have had a meltdown myself!!

I'm so proud of you doing the business-at-home thing,,,sounds like a complete 180 for you and at the same time keeps emotions at bay and your mind on the tasks at hand!! Yeaeee!

Keep-up the good work, especially when you get home,,
(do not look into his eyes,thats' where we lost ourselves in the 1st place)! Oey Vey!

Yes,,YOU ARE LOVEABLE AND WORTHWHILE!!

HAVE FUN & HAPPY GALing!! Kim

[2940831]

As always, thank you for all of your help and encouragement, guys.

I am headed off to eat but just wanted to write really quick about two things:

1.) I scheduled an appt with Jody (DB coach) for tomorrow morning before I leave for the airport to go home. I plan on fine-tuning my bounaries tonight and coming up with some more questions for her tomorrow so that I am prepared for my "homecoming..."

2.) I fell asleep last night before deciding what to do about H's e-mails, so today I ended up just calling him and leaving him a message with the info he was needing. BUT, I purposely did NOT call him. I went into my voicemail and just recorded a message and then forwarded it to his phone.

3.) He called me back twice to follow up, and I let it go to voicemail both times and just, again, used that same system of recording a message and sending it to him.

4.) In his message(s) back to me, he was VERY cold sounding... I really tried had in my messages to him to be upbeat yet distant. I don't know if I was TOO distant and it made him mad... I'm probably just being sensitive. It just made me realize that ANY sort of verbal interaction that I have with him right now really sets me back; thus, the need I believe to distance myself more and move my files back home and work from there.

If you have time, let me know what you guys think about the boundaries that I posted so far, okay?

Gotta run (hope the Italian psycho man has not been following me!!!! LOL )

[Kim07]

294,,,The Italian psycho man??? If I didn't know better i'd say thats' my H,,BUT hes' here, lol,,Have fun sista & win some $ for me, he, he!

Luv, Kim

[Kim07]

Oh girl,,we have got to make a trip to Vegas, like Rob is doing for Memphis,,weeee,,Remember,,,

WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS-STAYS IN VEGAS!!

Don't call until morning,,its' NOT an emergency-hes' trying to control you from so far away-i'm sorry I have to laugh at him, so pathetic! He has no right & your holding the cards sista(so to speak)!

Keep GALing & Keep him Wondering,,,,,Luv, Kim

[HeartScared]

I bet all sorts of crazy things are running through his mind. Keep it up your doing great ! ! ! ! !