Thank you so much for taking so much time to help me. So much of what you have said is helpful and makes sense.
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Many MLC/WASs think that once they're home, all should be well. Some of them figure out a few "dates" and gifts to the LBSer should heal all the wounds they inflicted, MOST of which they may never know the full effects of.....But in reality, it is WE the LBSers who have our own little MLCs when they return home.
This is so true to how my H is being. He arranged lots of dates when he first came home and they have stopped now and he actually said yesterday that things should be OK by now and seems to be in complete denial that he has caused me any pain whatsoever. I think you are also right I'm maybe having my own little meltdown like my head is screaming OK I've nursed your pain for you all this time now deal with mine.
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But Realistically it's doubtful that an affair is going on NOW, isn't it? I mean, given what your H is saying and doing...IF there WAS an affair, and if it was with HER, then your H is trying to keep it in the past as an "ended" problem. Also, no matter what, you can always worry about OWs. If you want to, which you don't
I guess you are right it is very doubtful - he is spending more and more time at home with me and also if anything had happened with her it is unlikely they would still be talking if it had ended. I need to keep repeating this to myself don't I. I am not thinking of snooping no. At the end of the day there are only 2 people who know if anything happened so there is nothing to snoop on anyway. I don't think it is so much that I want to know if anything happened then more if it is still going on now. As you say if it happened and ended it doesn't matter now but if it were still happening it would matter.
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think the success of piecing together is going to depend on two things. First, you both have to identify what you each contributed to in the meltdown and agree to really work on that behavior. Second, you have to forgive each other. That takes as long as, if not more than, the first task. Forgiveness is a process that can follow a decision. But it's not an overnight thing and the WAS/MLC has to "get" that if they were gone a year, and not some wacked out weekend, then it'll take some real TIME to be okay again. My DB coach said that the LBSer "deserves" some demonstration of genuine remorse and effort to change on the part of the WASer. It's a balancing act b/c the WAS has to feel that they won't have this over their heads all their lives. They seem to feel that if we say we are forgiving them, then that is our responsibility and sometimes they don't see their own role in it.
Mmmmm. Very interesting. My H seems to be in a very delicate place at the minute - he cannot handle any confrontations well at all so is still healing I'm sure. As for forigiving him I hadn't really given it much thought - just so glad to have him back I didn't think about what he had done to hurt me. It seems only now it is coming up - four months in. I could completely understand why he left and my role in it so forgiving him for not handling it all better hasn't crossed my mind. Maybe this is what my current feelings are all about - needing to forgive him.
I have slipped a little with my DBg you have made me realise. I think while H is at work the next few nights I will reread DR and refresh myself with what I need to do. Thank you so much again j you have really helped.
