Forget all his drama. Focus on you. Where are YOUR boundaries and WTF aren't you enforcing them?
Being his mommy or rescuer really isn't going to help anyone. Nor, will it work.
You keep talking about all the stuff he is doing to you. YOU are doing this stuff to you. If he wants to talk R, and you don't, the DON'T. If he wants in your bed, and you don't want him there, THEN DON'T share a bed with him. Sex is still clearly on the table, WHY?
Write down your boundaries on a piece of poster board and put them on the wall. Or print out two copies, one for your purse and one for his wallet.
You cannot control him, but you do control yourself. You really have to snap out playing the victim role for your own sake. Take ownership of your choices and their consequences.
Also, I really suggest that you get a C for yourself. There is some pretty sick enmeshment going on here. You are comparing living with SO with living with an alcoholic -- doesn't that strike a nerve for you? Who are you trying to save, SO or your father? Who are you trying not to abandon? Who are you trying to be a good girl for? You are so worried about being perfect and not making any mistakes -- as if YOU have the power to make things turn own magically right. YOU DON'T. You are not the cause and you are not the solution.
If you want a more realistic picture of what is going on with SO, insist on SO's permission to meet with his therapist to discuss the diagnosis and prognosis.
As usual, OT really has hit on some issues here. No doubt the idea of boundaries is something you really need to give some thought too because without them, you're only becoming further a part of this drama instead of rising above it.
Obviously you'll never be able to save him or fix him, its something he needs to be able to do for himself. As sad as it may be, this really can never happen until you establish some clear lines and stop enabling him to continue on this merry go round.
I'm not being critical, just trying to give you an insight as its something I know I struggled with in my own relationship. Its very hard dealing with someone who is hell bent on destroying their own life at the cost of everything. There is no way that you can control their actions, behaviors, thoughts, etc...and sometimes that's hard to accept.
On my homefront, things have improved to a degree. OM hasn't been a factor for quite some time and we have worked to try and improve our relationship with each other and learn to communicate in healthy ways....however, dealing wtih an anoretic and emotions and/or feelings is like trying to teach a bear to ride a bike. Completely unnatural. So in that sense, any chance of a truly, healthy relationship is put on hold and becomes secondary to recovery.
On that front, I think she has come a long way from where she was even a year ago. Back in October, she had a stint in a eating disorder clinic for about a week and, given her lack of committment to recovery and everything else, she just slipped back into old habits and behaviors (very predictable). Since then, I think she's gathered more courage and insight and is now planning another inpatient program in Baltimore for the week after Easter. The plan is a three to four week inpatient program, followed by intensvie outpatient sessions (generally 12 hour days with group and individual therapy, nutrition counseling, etc). I am hopeful that she will follow through with her recovery plan, but its hard to be optimistic once you learn the hold that his thing can have on people....
Soooo, in the meantime, I recognize that my role in this relationship, at the moment, is more of providing support, empathy, and love. I'm not going to get much in return because on the scale of importance, her eating disorder will be the number one priority, with me in a distant second. That's not to say that she doesn't try, because she has really been very happy with the way things have turned for the better in our relationship, and she shows it in any way she can. But its very hard to be truly "happy" when you can't even be happy with yourself.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Can you insist that the GI doc test him for the following: antigliadin IgG antigliadin IgG anti-ttg anti-emsa total IgA serum B12 serum methylmalonic acid thyroid tests
It's probably all his prescription drug abuse, but it would be a shame to miss if it was really gluten making him crazy.
Ya know, OT, for a little while there I was pretty pissed at your post. It really made me feel bad. I hate being put on the defensive, and that's pretty much how it made me feel. But, I want you to know that I always value the things you say and the way you say them. Always. And your advice always puts things in a perspective I can't come up with on my own.
There is absolutely no way I can accurately describe what goes on. Yes, I chose to live here. Yes, I have put myself in certain situations. Yes, I know I only control myself. But I do feel like I am just starting to learn some of this stuff and how to deal with him. I am FINALLY starting to learn how to stand up for myself.
Here's a link, this is ME - my life right now (And FYI - he uses ALL of the listed forms of Emotional Abuse):
Boundaries. That's pretty damned funny. Part of his problem is that he HAS NO BOUNDARIES of HIS OWN. Therefore, he does not know how to respect others. When I say NO to him - that's like a direct challenge to him. It becomes his obsession to get me to say yes. And I'll tell you quite honestly - anymore - most of the time I say yes just to get him to leave me the hell alone. Is that healthy? Of course not - AND I KNOW THAT.
Sleeping with me? And I'm not talking about sex here. Here's a typical scenario. He's goes to bed early. The bedroom is adjacent to the living room. He keeps his door open, periodically calling out to me, NM, you can sleep in here tonight if you want. I respond, "I'm watching TV right now. But thanks anyway." Or something similar....hoping he'll fall asleep so I can go to my room. But NO, he'll stay awake. Then, if I turn off the TV and go to my room - if he calls out and there's no answer from me - he'll come looking for me. Come to my room - "I thought you were going to stay in my room tonight. OK, well then I'll just sleep in here." And crawl in beside me. Now - should I refute any of this - and I have - there's been nights when we've been up until 1 in the morning debating the [censored] topic of WHY he can't sleep with me. How it hurts me. How it's not right, etc, etc. At times, he'll be crying - tears pouring down his face, shaking uncontrollably, grabbing on to me and won't let me go. I'll tell you - that's a tough place to be in. I KNOW IT'S NOT RIGHT FOR HIM TO BE THERE OR FOR ME TO GIVE IN.
There's times I've stayed up or laid in his room until he's fallen asleep - then gone to my own room. That starts a verbal assault the next day. WHY didn't I stay with him the whole night. All sorts of crazy sh!t. I've tried sleeping on the couch. I've tried going to my room before he's gone to bed; I've tried being MEAN to him; D8 loves sleeping with us - I've even tried that. Let her sleep with me or in his room. Still - even if she's in one room or the other - he'll still come to my room - sometimes waking me up, sometimes just crawling in next to me.
Now I know I haven't tried EVERYTHING. But I have tried doing everything "I" can think of. Ideas in the books, lots of things. So, give me more ideas of how to enforce this boundary. {Besides moving out.}
And something else:
Quote:
If you are going to begin setting and enforcing additional boundaries with someone who has BPD, we strongly advise learning all you can about the disorder, becoming educated about boundaries, and talking with a professional therapist. A borderline might feel threatened by new boundaries and might react in ways you cannot anticipate. We suggest you choose a therapist who understands BPD (see "Programs and Therapists" for guidelines.)
PS - I did get the number to a counselor for myself. Now, to make the appointment.....
GREAT NEWS about the C. And, your quote suggests that it is worth getting professional advice on how to enforce boundaries. I do have plenty of ideas (locks on the doors, leaving the bedroom and sleeping somewhere else, refusing to engage in the long drawn out debates -- he can't make you talk, change the subject or remove yourself from the discussion, etc..) But, seeing a C definitely makes sense here.
Congrats on taking this big step and reclaiming your life! I am so proud of you!!
If this helps, remember that how you handle this is teaching your children what a loving R is. If you don't want them to sacrifice themselves in a destructive R because "that is what love requires", if you don't want them to seek out addictive and/or BPD people in order to have a person to sacrifice themselves for, then you need to find a healthy life for yourself.
Sorry I pissed you off. Smart person you are, though, for paying attention to the things that piss you off. There is usually a reason why they hit a nerve.
I had a thought. Maybe while you wait to see a C, you might consider hitting a few al-anon meetings. I think the "trying-to-be-perfect-so-the-world-doesn't-fall-apart-even-though-it-is-not-in-my-hands" thing is a pretty standard way of coping for adult children of alcoholics.
The truth, OT? You didn't really piss me off. I'm pissed off at myself for falling into this kind of R. I thought I was a hell of a lot smarter than this.
I'm also pissed off that I can't explain myself properly - could be the years of being "conditioned" by SO that nothing I say or do is right - who knows? And right now, I don't much care how I got to this point. I just want it to stop. I know what I'm trying to say in my head, but it never seems to get translated accurately.
I think that could even be part of the reason WHY we've been together for 10 years. He's never been with anyone this long - and throughout our R, I DID stand up for myself. It's been these last 2 years that he's been with OW that I seem to have lost some of my mojo. And why is that? Maybe I read too many damned self-help books? Once upon a time, yeah - the old (lost) me would have said "Take a frickin hike, dude."
But, damn - we're not just 2 people. There's kids. I thought I was doing the "right" thing. And, damn - I hate to think that I am being "abused" somehow. That REALLY pisses me off.
I'm probably not making any sense. Could be because the OW just left a lovey-dovey message and got me angrier. Whoops, deleted. Again - another boundary issue. One it seems I cannot figure out how to enforce.
Oh....I finally found TWO, not just one - but two different psychiatrists who specialize in this disorder (among other personality disorders). I was beginning to get frustrated that I couldn't find any in our area. And, no, the shrink he's seeing is NOT one of the one's I found.
"Once upon a time, yeah - the old (lost) me would have said "Take a frickin hike, dude." "
Don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe you've grown a bit more and have given up running away from your problems. Given your background, it isn't surprising that figuring out how to do this while enforcing reasonable boundaries is a hard task. It is a hard task for anyone.
But, even if you wind up in a life without SO, you will have done this critical piece of work that will make your life better. Sure, it would have been easier to take a hike, but it would have been a hike that really got you nowhere. You really are getting somewhere now. It is normally to swing from too little loyalty to too much loyalty before finding a reasonable medium.
Re OW leaving messages. Can you answer the phone when she calls and ask her not to leave messages on the family answering machine that both you and your children have access to? It is really inappropriate, she can use his cell phone.
Well, I've left SO's house. "Moved in" with his mother. If you can call living out of suitcases moved in. We've actually been here since 4/01. That was a bad weekend. Lot's of crap happened and I finally just couldn't take anymore. It was best to leave. So I did.
I've made arrangements for storing our things at his brothers until I find a place for me & the girls to live. Working on coordinating a moving truck & manpower to get our stuff out ASAP. Have to register D8 for school - they don't go back until this Thursday here in this district.
Went to court this past Thursday for a Support Hearing and was granted $300/week plus he will pay 100% medical insurance coverage. That should be enough to cover rent and some daycare expenses for me.
So that's about it. Easter, after telling me & D8 two different stories about what time he'd be here, he didn't show up until almost noon. Last to arrive, then the 1st to leave. Left around 2:45. Took D8 with him to his house so she could go to work with him.
Monday, he got here arund 4 PM. Invited himself to dinner (his mother wasn't here); then fell asleep on the couch. I couldn't believe it. I woke him up, telling him he needed to go home. He says "I can't sleep very well at home alone." WTF kind of a comment is that. I didn't bother with a response. Then, when he was leaving, bent over and kissed me and said: "I'm sorry you have to live here. Are you sad?" Again, WTF, dude? And again, no response from me.
Overall, I actually feel very lost. Trying to pull everything together. Rentals are not easy to come by around here. I don't like the thought of having to be here (at his mom's) for a long time. Her place is small; the kids literally only have some of their clothes. I hope something comes up soon. Now I know what a refugee feels like.
I guess on some levels it's better to be here - it limits his contact with me. He's emailed and/or called most days. Even leaving messages on my cell during the night saying he'd call me on the house phone - but it's his mom's place and he doesn't want to wake everyone up. So, I guess that part is good.
We go to court on 4/23 for the Custody hearing. That's got me nervous. I know when the lawyer brings up supervised visitation, he's going to go ballistic. I guess we shall see what happens. I'm documenting everything, if Easter is any indication, it doesn't really look like he's too interested in spending much time with his kids. When he left yesterday, he never even asked / said anything about when he wanted to see them again.
