"Once upon a time, yeah - the old (lost) me would have said "Take a frickin hike, dude." "
Don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe you've grown a bit more and have given up running away from your problems. Given your background, it isn't surprising that figuring out how to do this while enforcing reasonable boundaries is a hard task. It is a hard task for anyone.
But, even if you wind up in a life without SO, you will have done this critical piece of work that will make your life better. Sure, it would have been easier to take a hike, but it would have been a hike that really got you nowhere. You really are getting somewhere now. It is normally to swing from too little loyalty to too much loyalty before finding a reasonable medium.
Re OW leaving messages. Can you answer the phone when she calls and ask her not to leave messages on the family answering machine that both you and your children have access to? It is really inappropriate, she can use his cell phone.
