The truth, OT? You didn't really piss me off. I'm pissed off at myself for falling into this kind of R. I thought I was a hell of a lot smarter than this.
I'm also pissed off that I can't explain myself properly - could be the years of being "conditioned" by SO that nothing I say or do is right - who knows? And right now, I don't much care how I got to this point. I just want it to stop. I know what I'm trying to say in my head, but it never seems to get translated accurately.
I think that could even be part of the reason WHY we've been together for 10 years. He's never been with anyone this long - and throughout our R, I DID stand up for myself. It's been these last 2 years that he's been with OW that I seem to have lost some of my mojo. And why is that? Maybe I read too many damned self-help books? Once upon a time, yeah - the old (lost) me would have said "Take a frickin hike, dude."
But, damn - we're not just 2 people. There's kids. I thought I was doing the "right" thing. And, damn - I hate to think that I am being "abused" somehow. That REALLY pisses me off.
I'm probably not making any sense. Could be because the OW just left a lovey-dovey message and got me angrier. Whoops, deleted. Again - another boundary issue. One it seems I cannot figure out how to enforce.
Oh....I finally found TWO, not just one - but two different psychiatrists who specialize in this disorder (among other personality disorders). I was beginning to get frustrated that I couldn't find any in our area. And, no, the shrink he's seeing is NOT one of the one's I found.
