I've had two sessons with a DB coach and I'm going to have some more. Right now it is quite helpful to have someone coach me through the Dbing process. When I explain different situations they really help me put a positive outlook on things. They also remind me that this is a two steps forward one step back process and that even if I do see a small baby step forward not to be devastated when the "alien" begins to speak. My sitch is a bit strange. W filed for the D but we still live together. Still sleep together. Still kiss eachother good night and goodbye in the morning yet when it comes to the financial issues of the D she gets real defensive and acts like she wants it all on the fast track. It is extrememly confusing. The DB coach help me put all of that into context. It could very well be that my W is feeling a bit ambivalent. She wants to "present as a couple" when we are out. She still wears her wedding rings. We are communicating better than we have in years. There are moments when she is still affectionate. She is going to alanon meetings. She is very appreciative of all the things I do around the house and communicates that to me. That's a lot of positives when you think about it. Then again I have those moments where she feels she has to reiterate her battle plan. "It's over", "I want to move back home and get on with my life" "I don't ever want to have sex with you again" "I'm not just going to wake up one day and pick up where we left off" yada yada yada. I think there is actually a thread posted of al of the things are WAS say in the heat of battle. I just have to keep up with the program and if she is able to see her role in our problems and find a sincere desire to work on them then we will. But like someone else said, if they don't want to accept any responsibilty and have no desire to work on things then you're pretty much toast. All we can do is work on us. The DB coaches will help you do that and they know what they are doing. Unlike some of the clinical types , who see divorce as a viable option. DB coaches want to save marriages, that's very apparent from the first time you speak to them.
Peace, Sparky
Me-Free W- Gone Married 10 years Together 12 Bomb 2/23/07 Divorce Final 3/3/08 Glad it's over
I get what all of you are saying. Jazz, sorry you didn't get much out of it. But this is a good place to share these insights for others. Also, sometimes when you post a question it takes awhile to get an answer and sometimes there's a person "way out there" with their advice and you just ignore them, or even say, um, thanks. Calling my coach is great b/c you know you are talking to someone with the same agenda, who is smart. I get that from the DB coaches, AND most mc's do feel fine about divorce. The DB coaches don't say "save the M at all costs", but they sure want us to try. I'm okay with that. Take care, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I didn't use the DB counseling because it was between that and phone counseling with Jim Conway. I chose Jim because I could go by the minute rather than invest more than I had at a time. I talked to Jim twice.
I then found my local mentor/counselor and didn't feel the need...cause she's awesome! In the beginning I met with her ever opther week. Then after I lost my jjob every three weeks to a month. Then as unemployment ran out every 6 weeks. By that time I was saving cash as a budgetary way of making sure I had money for her when I needed to go--I had something like three 30 minute quick session saved at a time. I didn't schedule the times between...that was just about how often I felt the need.
Had I not found her...I would have continued talking to Jim or a DB coach. I wanted someone who could give me answers rather than nod and let me talk for 45 minutes...I can do that with anyone.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
