Ya know, OT, for a little while there I was pretty pissed at your post. It really made me feel bad. I hate being put on the defensive, and that's pretty much how it made me feel. But, I want you to know that I always value the things you say and the way you say them. Always. And your advice always puts things in a perspective I can't come up with on my own.
There is absolutely no way I can accurately describe what goes on. Yes, I chose to live here. Yes, I have put myself in certain situations. Yes, I know I only control myself. But I do feel like I am just starting to learn some of this stuff and how to deal with him. I am FINALLY starting to learn how to stand up for myself.
Here's a link, this is ME - my life right now (And FYI - he uses ALL of the listed forms of Emotional Abuse):
Boundaries. That's pretty damned funny. Part of his problem is that he HAS NO BOUNDARIES of HIS OWN. Therefore, he does not know how to respect others. When I say NO to him - that's like a direct challenge to him. It becomes his obsession to get me to say yes. And I'll tell you quite honestly - anymore - most of the time I say yes just to get him to leave me the hell alone. Is that healthy? Of course not - AND I KNOW THAT.
Sleeping with me? And I'm not talking about sex here. Here's a typical scenario. He's goes to bed early. The bedroom is adjacent to the living room. He keeps his door open, periodically calling out to me, NM, you can sleep in here tonight if you want. I respond, "I'm watching TV right now. But thanks anyway." Or something similar....hoping he'll fall asleep so I can go to my room. But NO, he'll stay awake. Then, if I turn off the TV and go to my room - if he calls out and there's no answer from me - he'll come looking for me. Come to my room - "I thought you were going to stay in my room tonight. OK, well then I'll just sleep in here." And crawl in beside me. Now - should I refute any of this - and I have - there's been nights when we've been up until 1 in the morning debating the [censored] topic of WHY he can't sleep with me. How it hurts me. How it's not right, etc, etc. At times, he'll be crying - tears pouring down his face, shaking uncontrollably, grabbing on to me and won't let me go. I'll tell you - that's a tough place to be in. I KNOW IT'S NOT RIGHT FOR HIM TO BE THERE OR FOR ME TO GIVE IN.
There's times I've stayed up or laid in his room until he's fallen asleep - then gone to my own room. That starts a verbal assault the next day. WHY didn't I stay with him the whole night. All sorts of crazy sh!t. I've tried sleeping on the couch. I've tried going to my room before he's gone to bed; I've tried being MEAN to him; D8 loves sleeping with us - I've even tried that. Let her sleep with me or in his room. Still - even if she's in one room or the other - he'll still come to my room - sometimes waking me up, sometimes just crawling in next to me.
Now I know I haven't tried EVERYTHING. But I have tried doing everything "I" can think of. Ideas in the books, lots of things. So, give me more ideas of how to enforce this boundary. {Besides moving out.}
And something else:
Quote:
If you are going to begin setting and enforcing additional boundaries with someone who has BPD, we strongly advise learning all you can about the disorder, becoming educated about boundaries, and talking with a professional therapist. A borderline might feel threatened by new boundaries and might react in ways you cannot anticipate. We suggest you choose a therapist who understands BPD (see "Programs and Therapists" for guidelines.)
PS - I did get the number to a counselor for myself. Now, to make the appointment.....
