I have been away for a few days...my thread locked up and so has my DBing efforts.
So ya'll know that H was away on his first business trip since the bomb...in OW's city...and started pulling the same old tricks about not being back as originally planned. I was doing a very good job of focusing on the positives, choosing to feel peace about his actions, enjoying his increased phone calls. But over the weekend, truth started coming out of the woodwork: it became clear that he is still very much involved with OW, perhaps both of them.
I am finally realizing something I've avoided for years: He is a pathological liar, and has been for many years. I have been learning about manipulative relationships, and mine is classic. I am now able to identify his tactics, and I'm beginning to stand up for myself. It's something I have never wanted, would never consider or picture myself doing, but I have finally reached a place of peace about taking steps toward D.
On Monday, I told him that I am going to file. After initially throwing guilt and other obviously controlling statements at me, he opened up and started talking, giving me nearly reasonable explanations for the things I discovered this weekend, and admitting that he can start trying harder. (He's always had fairly reasonable explanations, and I've always wanted to believe them, but upon close examination, they never hold up.) The next evening, when I started talking about the things that are absolutely crucial to keeping our family together, he was defensive and manipulative, blaming me for everything.
I truly can't trust anything he says or does, which is very difficult for me, because I have made such effort and am naturally very trusting. I wanted so badly to trust him and keep this M together, but alas, he has no desire to make any effort at REAL changes: counseling, ending current and future 'friendships' with OW (he can't see anything wrong with doing things as friends!?), returning to church, spending more than three evenings a week with the family.
Unfortunately, in light of the affair he had before we were married, and two more in the last three years, his complete lack of desire to look at himself, repent and make a committment to me, I have to realize that his problem is chronic and something I WILL NOT allow myself and my children to be exposed to over and over.
I can't say I'm perfect, but I can honestly say I've given this everything I possibly can. And I'm willing to do more if I see hope. But isn't there a point where I have to realize that his issues are far deeper than anything I can do and cut my losses?
