Not to speak for Lil, but what I think she is frustrated with is the refusal of her BF and CAC to admit vulnerability. It is not about anyone being right or wrong, it is the denial they are both in. Lil reacted the same way with Mojo when we were pressing her on her issues. Mojo was the master deflector (who has morphed into the Master Bator).
That same denial is what I see in CAC, and I’m sure Mrs CAC sees it too. There are some things that CBT will help, but this is one of those in which the shell is so think, nothing will get through. At least some level of FOO is needed just to tap into emotions and empathy. CAC is completely shut down to this and doesn’t even know what I am talking about.
Nop,
There are people here with far worse issues than Chrome.
Yeah, now that I think about it, Corri is one of those. But she has done a lot of FOO work herself.
Also, are you aware that you and your wife's interactions at home are going to eventually become your children's FOO issues?
We are both more than aware of this. I also knew that as our M worsened and confrontations escalated while we worked through things, the effect on the kids would be worse. The unknown question was whether the resulting recovery could allow healing to take place (which our counselor thought would happen) or whether leaving the issues unresolved but trying to suppress the arguing would be better, including a likely D. The focus has always been on the kids, but I know that both W and I have to be happy too.
I do not think there is a clean answer to this and I think a lot depends on the time involved. Had we kept arguing for much longer, I would have had to make a decision to D, and I was actually very close to going that way. But I also know that things are darkest before the dawn. Up to that point, I did not think things were as dark as they could be, so I knew we had not yet reached a turning point.
When I saw that D was imminent and that things could not possibly get any better, I knew the wrong thing to do would be to D. We were at the turn and the M would improve, which they did. Both W and I capitulated on the power struggles and reevaluated our true objectives. But you cannot deceive yourself about this. You have to be able to recognize the changing tides and whether a possible change is real or only wishful thinking.
Things are pretty good right now. The kids seem much happier, stress is lower, grades are good, plenty of social activities and support, so I think in the end, the path I chose worked out. Will they have issues? Of course, but D would have created issues too. This is no optimal solution. There is only the lesser of two evils. The good thing is that I have gained a TON of knowledge from this experience and from this board. I stay here for my kids. As they get a little older, I hope to guide them in understanding our family and what they went through, and how to have a happy R.
