DB Coaching any good?

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Speed and RCR,

I disagree R, b/c for me, DB totally changed my attitude and approach to my sitch. That changed my M for the better. I honestly believe that if I had not read the books AND gotten the DB coach, I'd be divorced by now.

See, I needed to hear someone "professional" tell me HOW to stay M to my MLCer AND NOT feel like a doormat. I needed "an action plan" with specifics, and I got them. R, you are right as far as the idea that we just cannot control others. We only control ourselves. But I think that the changes in me, my new found confidence as a woman, DID push the H a bit, into realizing we'd be "done" without some changes on HIS part. I think H realized -when I lost my anger (in front of H) and GAL, that I am indeed a good catch and he'd lose me if things didn't improve. And he'd lose the whole "family" idea, and our children's lives would go on, without him for the most part. DB coach helped me to GAL and THAT made me happier and ready for whatever came in the M.

I cannot "PROVE" that H and I are on track for this reason of course. And really, it could have happened anyhow. But once I really detached, and GAL, within just a few months, (in the last 21) my H changed his tune. yes, other factors existed, to be sure. So, maybe the DB did not save my M. But without it, I would not be married now, imho. Make sense? I had a feeling, and so did Vernetta, that H would either be a jerk forever or make a change and we predicted it'd be by his 50th birthday in October, if not sooner. I felt I'd know one way or the other, by then, with Christmas as my deadline. But It began on 9/9/06 when his calls changed dramatically and then I surprised him on his birthday and it was a very good idea of mine. H returned for 2 weeks at Christmas and I'll move up there after d18 finished HS here. Mixed feelings? yep. But I'm willing to jump in the water again, b/c I know I'll be okay, whatever comes. I did not know that when H left. It was terrifying and I am not so afraid anymore. If he hurts me again, (I mean, BIG hurt, not small issues) I'll minimize the damage b/c I'll be gone.

I have had 9 sessions I think. The first 3 changed me, although I needed reinforcement for those changes. The latter ones helped me do some of the logisitics, and kept me focussed, working on forgiving. I will have another 3 at least, b/c I need to know how to move foward with a "plan" for my M. I need to keep from backsliding and to recognize signs of deterioration in the R, and what is fair to expect or request of the MLCer. Like even though I want to forgive H, and have started to, it is not unreasonable for me to expect him to demonstrate his commitment to US and new priorities on his part. But we have to balance that with not holding things from the past, over his head forever. We both want to move on. But he knows I cannot/will not deal with any of this poop again. I'd walk and not look back and DB coach gets that and agrees. I needed her (DB coach) to validate that b/c I want to keep from being punitive and we have to stay vigilant with things like that, as LBSers. And H knows I DO feel the need for many reassurances, without being super needy.

As H says, he "owes me big time" and "wants the chance to pay me back", to which I say, AMEN. Hope this helps. BUT I think we know that for some of us, the MLCer won't wake up in time, if at all. Still, the DB helps us to move forward, GAL, but perhaps other resources could accomplish the same. It is VERY important to remind yourself that no matter what, you DO have to GAL. Whether that itself makes you more attractive to your WAS (it will even if they don't come back, b/c the WAS/MLC does notice what we do, far more than we realize at the time) is not the point. It's about being happy/content with whatever comes, making the best of it. I believe that I can be happy with or without H, but it took me awhile to get here. I feel you ought to either get one session with a DB coach (it is not that much of a financial risk, considering what divorce costs) or buy a Pkg of 3 and see if you feel a connection. I have Vernetta as mine, but I've heard great things about Chuck and Laurie as well. Don't know others.
Good luck.
j-