Update: H and I have been discussing the past and it is not pretty. On the one hand, I am happy that he is more comfortable with me and willing to express himself; on the other I am sickened by some stuff I have learned about. Apparently my H had been involved in getting attention from women at work for a very long time. He called it an addiction. He said it wasn't about anything physical...it was about feeling desire, which he didn't feel from me. He dates this from about 7 yrs ago, when he moved to this new house. It was a house he wanted, and I gave in because he kept saying how it would be better for the kids, but underneath I was resentful and also depressed about leaving my old neighbors, and the home in which my kids were born. The move did represent a low in our marriage. I was starting to get it together, and I thought he was on board with me, as we did a lot of work on the new house. But secretly he was flirting and having fun with several women at work and was off in la-la land. There were lunches and phone calls and he gave money to one woman whom he felt sorry for. He feels disgusted and manipulated as well and says he is happy he has me back, that all he really wants is me and the kids.
I came to the board under false pretenses...I was seemingly this HD woman, but what I really was responding to was the emotional distance and rejection of my H. My desire level now seems more balanced and more like myself. I feel our marriage is in a much better place, but I wonder if we can really overcome the past and if I can trust in the future.
Quote: -------------------------------------------------------- ... but I wonder if we can really overcome the past and if I can trust in the future. --------------------------------------------------------
Looks like you have both already taken a step toward improving trust in your relationship. His confession to you comes from his feeling of guilt and remorse, but it also comes from his feeling "safe" with you.
You can't change the past, you can only change how you deal with it. You don't overcome the past, it becomes a permanent part of your history. It is the future that will determine what place of importance events in the past hold.
It seems to me that the two of you are moving in the right direction to be able to deal with the past in a constructive way.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
So what prompted all of these revelations? Seven years is a pretty long time to hold all that stuff inside. But like Nop said, you cannot change the past, only how you think about the past and even more important, the present and future. At least you are being honest with each other. Focus on the positives as much as possible and keep the communication open with your H. Ask him about what is going on at work. Who does he spend time with there, etc Avoiding the topics certainly don't make them go away. H and I are really vilgilent now about "checking in" with each other in terms of how we feel about the R. We do it almost every day in one way or another and that has really helped. The lack of communication kills the intimacy in a flash. Even just saying "I'm feeling really good about us and our future" gives the both of you the reassurance you may be needing right now.
He said it wasn't about anything physical...it was about feeling desire, which he didn't feel from me. He dates this from about 7 yrs ago, when he moved to this new house. It was a house he wanted, and I gave in ....
Did you notice what you wrote? "When HE moved to this new house"?
Freudian slip? Both of you physically moved, right?
This is very tough stuff to hear, NJ. Giving you a 4-ish sisterly hug. ((((NJ))))
NOP, Thank you for your wise words and encouragement. I wish I had the level of awareness I have learned from you and from the experiences here. I once said that trying to figure out what's going on in my marriage is like putting together a puzzle...I now have uncovered some more pieces, and it's coming together and making sense, but not in a way I would have expected.
LFL, One thing I can say with certainty is that I will never go back to the way things were. I have learned so much these past few years about intimacy and communication. I will never take my H for granted again, and I really see how much I am willing to go the extra mile for him. I feel he doesn't want to lose me either. Things have been coming out in bits and pieces, and I believe NOP is right, that the guilt was consuming him. He told me that his shoulder which had chronically bothered him is suddenly better...over the past few months he's standing straighter and his eyes are clear. I have also noticed a drop in the amt of alcohol he drinks in the past yr.
Lil, Wow, I didn't notice that...most definitely a Freudian slip. I really didn't move with him...I was held back in nostalgia/depressive land, as you might imagine I would with my 4 tendencies. And thank you for the hug. I feel almost giddy with relief ( when I am not about to strangle him). He's really beginning to be there with me, and I with him. Time will tell, however, if we are really able to make it through after so much bad history. But, believe it or not, I am thinking positively.
Update... We are going on a family vaction next week to Florida...it won't be a complete getaway as we will be visiting family, but we definitely are looking forward to getting out of the usual routine. H seems stressed out and the sex has an obligatory feel to it. I am hanging in there. I hope things improve while we're away... otherwise, I am flying to Michigan and going through MJ's roster with her. I know she'll be willing to share.
