Making the leap - Hopefully wount Jinx it!

[limbo]

Thanks Cat can always count on you for a good slap to the head!
What you are saying is so right, but just find it hard to live by it!
I think on the smart side of my brain I knew that, it just seems right now that the emotional part of my brain has taken over and wount let go!
I am really going to make an effort to calm down, and just let things be!

[cat03]

I was reading this book called "Why can't you read my mind?" and it has excellent advice on dealing with toxic thoughts, in short, the author asks you to have mindfulness-- be aware that you are having toxic thoughts, realize that the thoughts are negative and counter-productive. Then, have an alternative to the thoughts you area having, replace them with good thoughts about you two, and finally practice- over and over. In time, the cycle will be faster next time a toxic thoughts comes up and you'll be able to purge them.

It took me months to calm down, I understand how you feel , but know that it wont be like this forever, that your M can get better.

[cat03]

just had to paste this great paragraph I found at

http://www.celebratelove.com/forgive.htm

Forgiveness is an act of the imagination. It dares you to imagine a better future, one that is based on the blessed possibility that your hurt will not be the final word on the matter. It challenges you to give up your destructive thoughts about the situation and to believe in the possibility of a better future. It builds confidence that you can survive the pain and grow from it.

[limbo]

I post this in newcomers and no one is resonding, have another one to come!


Well I think I have just sunk, I know what you have all told me hear, especially Ian and Cat, however I just can't do it anymore.
He is still betraying me while pretending that we are working on the marriage.
I don't know if he is having another affair, but I almost consider what he is doing worse! I understand all that has been said, he's not ready, he is a mess himself, all of that, and I could live with it if it was just an issue of communication, but its not, its hiding things then lying about them, and then giving me a hard time because of what he is doing.
I am really beginning to believe that because I took him back he thinks I am now a doormat, and will not say anything because I am scared to be on my own, and that is the farthest from the truth.
I just CAN NOT continue, I can't go on being hurt and unhappy this way, its not right!

So I will wait and see if he sends me an email and see what he says, I almost killed a puppy by driving over it, as I didn't see it, he knows how upset and shaken I was and have yet to hear from him!

[limbo]

So I just sent H an email saying that we need to talk, I know its not the right DB technique but we need to get the air cleared, or the end done, which ever it ends up being.
I just can't keep the pretending up, like everything is peachy keen, when all I feel is that my heart is being ripped out.
That the man who i pledged my life to, who says they love me and want to make it work, can continue to lie and hurt, how can I build a marriage that is based on that.
I think that I have realized something that we have changed, I have changed, and not so much him. And I can see how past behaviour was wrong, and immature and selfish.
But he can't see that, and to be honest I don't know if he ever will see it, and unless we can end up on the same page, I know that he can't be there yet, but it would be nice to see little changes, alittle something instead of spending all of his time on myspace and then lieing to be about it! If its not a big deal then why can't he tell me! what is it he is hiding by going on there!
I know what you are all sick and tired of me, but I just can't seemed to find my way around this! I have tired, but its like this dark hole in my stomach that just wount go away!

[limbo]

To add to this, my H emailed back and wanted to know why we needed to talk. so I explained that we can't go back to the old ways, having a fight and then ignoring it, we had to resolve it start to finish, because if we didn't it would fester.
He said he knew he handled it wrong, and try to cuddle with me this morning to show he was sorry, so I explained that it was nice that he did that, but it also felt like we were ignoring what happened. He said he could see my point and would try and do better in future.
He said lets start fresh, and do better.

[Concerned_Listener]

So I just sent H an email saying that we need to talk, I know its not the right DB technique but we need to get the air cleared, or the end done, which ever it ends up being.

Limbo,
The right DB techniques are the ones that help you become stronger and happier, and/or bring the R closer together. In the book Divorce Remedy, we are asked to identify what we want from the R, and then share it with our spouse. I see nothing wrong with your telling your H that you want to address conflict areas instead of "sweeping them under the rug."

You got a positive response from your H, in that he agrees with you! Good for you. The fact that he cuddled with you is also a sign that he cares about your feelings to some extent.

We'll have to see to what extent he's willing to maintain some connection with you, and work on the R. This is going to determine what DB techniques you should choose, and the level of connection versus distance you should maintain. You can practice detachment, and still maintain a connection to them.

CL

[limbo]

CL, thanks I find it so hard to focus on the positives, and seem to really zone in on negatives.
As far if he will stick to it, I am not so sure, he hasn't yet, and has never been one to resolve conflicts, this has always been the pattern.
I guess this is what got us into this position in the first place, we had a fight, I said some pretty nasty things, and instead of dealing with them with me, he turned to the OW.
And I guess I just get very frustrated because he doesn't seem to want to change the behaviour, and knows this is one of the biggest problems, which make me question how committed he really is to making this work.

[Concerned_Listener]

I guess this is what got us into this position in the first place, we had a fight, I said some pretty nasty things, and instead of dealing with them with me, he turned to the OW.
And I guess I just get very frustrated because he doesn't seem to want to change the behaviour, and knows this is one of the biggest problems, which make me question how committed he really is to making this work.

Limbo,
Be careful about assigning self-blame for his turning to the OW--it's probably more complicated than that.

Be careful about judging behavior that he might find difficult to change (dealing with conflict in his case). Would we say a person isn't committed to the R, because they failed to quit smoking? True, his level of motivation to work on facing conflict will determine to what extent he gets better at it. It's his struggle--relax the judgment. It's not all about you and the R. Your helper role will be (at the right time in the R) to try to influence him to face conflict. You will have to experiment as to what may work.

CL

[limbo]

Thanks CL!

I think that the thing that is really bothering me, it this whole myspace, he has told me it isn't him, however how can it not be when its his old email address, and its been there for awhile.
And why does he go on it everyday, and why does he have to lie, why is he hiding it?
To me this is a big issue, and I don't know how to get around it!