One step back....all advice welcome

[LustForLife]

Cobra
I've never denied that FOO can play a role in many psychological/relational problems. I just think your emphasis and assumptions are a bit much.

it seems that only recently you can to some FOO based insight about being judged that helped move you and therefore your M forward.

Like this comment. Why did you assume my problem with being judged came from my FOO. It didn't.
But you made some good points.

It’s very hard to fix something if you don’t know what is broken. Step one always is to identify the problem.

I can pretty much agree with this but again, I think it's often enough to know "The person was sexually abused by a parent" and not necessary to go over every nuance of the abuse and the trauma caused by the family. That is a given and you rarely have to tell the person they have been "done wrong" by their parents. In fact, you mentioned PTSD treatment. Actually CBT has been fairly effective and if anything, getting into the family issues often makes the PTSD worse. Reliving the traumas is not always in the person's best interest. Rewriting the history is a better way to go, but again, just my opinion.

IMO your cancer analogy is not comparable.

I was not saying cancer and relationship issues are the same, I was just saying that focusing so much on Cause can waste important time getting to Solutions.

If any of what you say is true, then why have you been stuck in your M for so long?

Well, if you mean by "so long" that from the start of my M I have not resolved the sexual issues, you got me. But if you mean by "so long" that my M is unsuccessful considering what I have been through the past 2 1/2 years, that's ridiculous. And it was changing my attitudes, thoughts, and behaviors that made the most impact on my M today, not delving into FOO.

You are a professional, so I assume you practice what you preach.

I don't know why you keep bringing up My credentials. There are plenty of people on this board with more training and experience who frankly are much more dysfunctional than me (no offense to anyone). Just making a point. EVERYONE is going to go through stressful times and have problems. I am quite proud of the progress I have made in a few short years. And yes it is fairly new, but let's see where people are in 10 years and then we can comment.

Do you think I suggest people blame their parents for their problems? Dysfunctional parent do not mean to harm their kids. They are ignorant. They kids adapt as they must to survive in a toxic environment. It is what is, it is not anyone’s fault. Resolving FOO is not meant to harbor resentment, but to understand and let go of resentment.

Some of that is true but again you make so many assumptions about people's families that your point can get lost in your approach. For instance what you said to Fearless:

This yelling by your dad was not good. Your justifying it and making excuses for his behavior was not good, even though you are technically right. It puts you in the position of playing arbitrator, a position WAAAY to powerful for a 14 year old. Just because your parents were able to work through this and come to an understanding does not mean that other couples can. Your dad was not being honest and was instead projecting his anger and frustration onto others to relieve himself. Do you see that?

I just don't see how this is helpful in the long run. You make statements like this all the time that get people bogged down in past events. And frankly, you make statements that also could be totally false about other people's histories as well. That's where it seems more like you are just on a mission to prove a point despite your knowledge of the facts. I'm really sincere Cobra when I say to Let Go a little bit. Your W would probably feel much closer to you in the long run and intimacy would build that much quicker. You don't always have to be right.

how can you make a conscious decision to be happy when you don’t even know why you’re upset? Why are depressed people depressed? They can take medication, do the CBT thing, and still remain depressed. What is the MLC thing all about? Can they segregate their issues into categories like I suggest above? I’m not saying FOO is the cure, but it could help, it could help a lot, it can augment other approaches, and I’m petty sure it won’t hurt.

Yes, FOO can help sometimes but not always and frankly, yes, it can harm at times. People who are forced to face their demons when they are not emotionally ready to do so can spiral down quickly. So your premise that you need to delve into FOO and THEN start CBT etc is often not effective. I think you need to do CBT etc FIRST and then if the person is in a fairly stable place you can get into more of the traumatic FOO issues. But even then, it may not be necessary if the person is functioning well enough in the present.
Again, we can agree to disagree.