Thursday he disappeared, never came home. Same thing Saturday. Left at 10 AM, didn't show up until 1 PM Sunday. Monday night, again, comes to my room, blanket & pillow in hand, begs to sleep next to me. I got so irritated. I laid there for a bit, then just didn't even want to be next to him. He kept feeling me and trying to talk and trying to get me to have sex. I finally got up & watched TV. Then, he actually called out to me about 1/2 hour later asking me to come back to bed.
Tuesday morning, woke to email "FYI, I know you dont much care, but I have the Work thing today, my Psych at 2pm, and my GI Doc will see me at 4. Thanks for last night, I'm in a real tuff spot, mentally and physically"
As it turns it, it was all BS. He worked, then maybe went to the shrink, but no doctor. And never came here that night, either. I woke to a barrage of emails/texts...blah, blah, blah - the guilt was apparent. When he got home, he had his bag with him - so he knew when he left here that morning that he wasn't coming back. I know - none of my business, but I still hate the lies. Like duh - I'm not going to know? And why go through such great lengths. And, then there were the emails saying he's so confused, etc, etc. Then, he calls the doctor right in front of me (the one he supposedly went to) to make an appointment for Friday. WTH?
Anyway, gets home Wednesday and tries to get me to have sex with him. I couldn't believe it. And the endless "talking". I'm having a hard time with it anymore. It all just seems pointless. If all he's going to do is complain about the past; proclaim there's no helping him in the future; push me away with one arm, yet hold on tight with the other - Jeez, I'm gonna get torn in two.
And, OT, you were pretty right on. At one point I said something about what he was going to do when I wasn't around. He replied that he would be around. I said "I don't think so. When we're gone, we're gone. There's no communication unless it's about the kids. I can't do this anymore. " He didn't like that. Asks me "Don't I understand? Don't I know how he feels about me?" No - I don't know. HE doesn't even know - how the hell can I? I wish he would get some better treatment. Stronger drugs, something. He seems to be getting worse and I don't understand what the hell is going on.
He sees me moving out as me leaving him. When in fact, he's the one with the OW; he's the one that's ended our R; he's the one who asked me to move out and handed me a check & told me to get out. I've always been very clear about what I wanted from him. HIM. No OW. Us working on things. And now - him in therapy. He knows all that. He knows how I feel about him. And yet his mind twists it around. There's no way to explain this. It's illogical. It's mental illness.
And then I feel bad. A part of me wants to smack him upside the head (dammit BI-43, where are you with that frying pan???) - knock some logic back into him. I sit here and wonder - he wasn't like this 5 years ago. He's degenerated so much since being involved with this girl. And since his popularity got higher (in his job). Or am I making excuses? I don't even know any more. I haven't been able to think straight.
Wednesday afternoon he had the court thing re: OW's charges. Took his bag again. Tells the kids some lame a$$, I should be back; have to go to work for a while story. I was in the bathroom and knocked on the window when he was outside. After he left, he called and bitched at me - why did I knock at the window? Because he took his bag? I didn't even answer him; gave the phone to D8 and he spoke with her for a bit. He did call again 3-4 times - I didn't pick up. Then he texted that "If I had done something with him today (re:sex) he wouldn't have taken the bag." That literally made me nauseous. Like, I should have had sex with him - then he would have come home. But, since I didn't, then I guess he's going to OW's. Besides, even if I would have sex with him, he probably still would have stayed with her. I mean, duh - he told me she had to meet him at the courthouse. Then a few minutes later, got the next text "All done. Made out ok".
His mind goes in so many different directions all at the same time. I can't even explain this stuff to anyone because I don't think they would believe me. How do you explain that while he's got this girlfriend who he supposedly loves that he literally comes crying to me to sleep with him - both physically and sexually? Or, that he is always wanting to talk. Always. About US. What we did wrong; what we could do differently; what needs to be changed; but yet, no committment to do it or end his R with OW. How do I feel about him; do I want to move out? He loves me - but he doesn't know if it's the right way. If I don't have sex with him he says it's because I have someone else. And I don't love him and never did. If I don't want to talk about things, then it's my fault we never talk. I ignore him; don't want to hear how he feels. On and on and on and on and on.
He never stops. I swear. NEVER. Oh, except for when he takes a frigging valium.
