It's so great to hear from you again! Thank you so much for your input. Don't worry about not posting the other night - you are so sweet! Believe me, there will be plenty more "meltdown moments" for me that you can put me in my place with! LOL
I appreciate your input about the business; it sounds like you are in a very similar situation as me as far as that goes.
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It is extremely hard to get a grip on things when you are so far behind because there is so much to do with the business and no desire. I used to have the desire and the energy to try and keep things up and going.
YES, my feelngs exactly. I used to be so energetic and excited about the business and getting behind just made me more determined and driven. Now, I've lost my desire and drive and am falling so far behind but have no desire or energy to get back on top of it, which just makes it worse. This is becoming an increasing, scary problem more and more each day, as people are depending on me outside of our business as well, and I have to make sure I'm taking care of things. I've just lost my passion for our business. I just don't care anymore. I know that's horrible to say, but it's true, and I hate that I feel that way.
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I don't know if you feel the guilt but I feel the guilt some times of not having things done but not having the desire to get it done because it used to be for us.
Absolutely! I feel it every day and keep telling myself I just need to snap out of it and get caught up. Now I'm so far behind that it feels like even if I worked 24/7 in full concentration mode it would take me months to get caught up...
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It was interesting to read Virginia's take on what is the strong link between hard work and him being with her.
Yes, Virginia always has such good insight. For me, a lot of it is because our business was/is linked so much to OUR dreams. The business is just a vehicle to reach all of the dreams we created together. Now, if this doesn't work out, those dreams are shattered - for me at least. Yes, there will be new dreams without H if it comes to that, but before so much of my drive and energy was derived from knowing that my hard work was getting us closer to the dreams we created. Now, knowing that those dreams may not occur, my desire is gone. So, for me, our business IS our personal lives, too, if that makes sense??? We do the business to achieve personal successes for US. For me, it was/is one in the same... Thus, my dilemma. H is very good (at least outwardly) at just putting his mind into work, especially when he has a lot on his mind. He just blocks things out and focuses so strong. I wish so much that I was like that, and I get angry that I'm not.
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AT times like you, Tam ,I wonder if I can do this or do I want to anymore.
If you haven't already, please read what Jody (DB coach) told me about this as far as "acting as if" it IS over rather than telling H it IS over. How would you act differently if it really was over? What would you do differently. This is part of my soul searching on my trip. She told me to re-read the LRT technique and WRITE DOWN how I can specifically apply that to our situation.
About the funeral tomorrow, I will be thinking about you. Stay strong and keep your chin up. You're on the right track - just stay calm, take deep breaths, and just be you. "Act as if" you would at this funeral if this chaos were not going on in your life. How would you act? What would you say?
Vegas is going well. It's amazing how one minute I'm so positive and the next minute I'm in tears again. I'm so ready to get off of this roller coaster... I'm looking forward to setting some business and personal boundaries with H when I get home and taking my power back. I'm tired of him not respecting me and, more importantly, me not respecting myself and demanding respect of me from him. He's treating me like this because I'm allowing it.
My epiphany for today was this after doing my Dr. Phil exercises: my responses showed that I DO want this M to work out. Remember when I saw the movie the other night and Sandra Bullock was saying that she didn't know WHAT she wanted to fight for, keeping or ending the M. Well, my responses to my exercises today clearly showed that my heart is still in this. I think my thoughts in not knowing if I wanted to stick it out anymore had more to do with me thinking that somehow that would be a quicker end to all of this pain - because I'm so tired of hurting. If I just ended it (or gave H the "ultimatum"), then at least I could begin moving on. Right now, this limbo-land is killing me...
One of the exercises was to, without thought, just complete sentence beginnings. One of the beginnings was "I love..." You can answer however you want but are supposed to go with your initial, gut reaction. Mine was "I love my H." There were I think 40 some questions, and that answer, though so simple sounding, was the one that stuck out to me the most.
Also, as hard as it is to admit, I realize (and please keep reminding me that I said this and hold me accountable) that I CAN SAVE THIS MARRIAGE. My answers to the exercises showed me that I am focusing so much of my already low energy level towards the past, towards negative emotions, towards worrying about what he is doing and being angry at him for what he is doing and what he has done, blaming myself, wanting so desperately for another chance at "us," feeling sorry for myself -- on and on. There is so much bad energy being wasted when I have so little energy to start with. Rather than focusing my answers on what I need to do to change ME, I noticed that my answers were focused around all of the negative things that have happened and my hurt and fears. I have to let that go for now, forgive myself and H, and focus that energy on ME. I know that if I just change me I will get that chance I want again for my M. And if I don't, I will know that I truly did give this everything I have - no regrets. Keep reminding me that I said this when I have my low points, okay? My dream of saving my M is in MY hands, and if it's what I want, which it is, I have the sole power right now to make it come true, by changing me and letting go of H for now. I have to find strength with each new day and know that I'm going to be a better person, wife, and friend after this is said and done and that there is no going back to the old me - ever.
Virginia, I told God that I was ready to hear tonight and asked him to help me listen... And I told him again and again and again... Thank you.
Am going to the show still tomorrow night that I got for H and I to go to. It will be hard to see the empty chair next to me, but it will be empowering at the same time.
God help me - this is the hardest journey I've ever been on. Please help me to learn what I am supposed to learn from this - and as quickly as possible!
