Thanks, Virginia. As usual, you've got me all choked up again... I will respond more thoroughly later but just wanted to say thanks for keeping in touch with me so closely. I get such strength just from reading your posts and knowing you care.
I got the book "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil before I left and started reading it today. I started to read it over lunch today and found myself crying like a baby right in the middle of the eating area! LOL I don't know if you have read it, but it also talks about taking the focus off of "us" and onto "me." There are a lot of exercises in the book so far, and I've been working on them for about two hours now - am exhausted! Am excited to get to where it brings it all together. Right now I guess the exercises are designed to help me truly understand the problems we are having so that I am working on fixing the right things - in myself I guess? Anyway, will keep you posted. Am feeling a bit down and overwhelmed right now and anxious so am going to go get some dinner and gamble a bit and then come back to watch the American Idol results... LOL
Real quick (maybe you'll respond before I log back on), about the business, what I mean is that it's excruciatingly hard for me to see him/work with him/interact with him on a daily basis for the business - it's so distant and not even friendly, and I notice it with every conversation we have. It makes me anxious and sad, and it's like going through the pain every single day over and over and over again because of our constant business interactions. It's just hard to move on and get to what I need to be doing - fixing myself. This distance from him right now while I'm away hurts, but it's overall helping (I think??? still overwhelmed with emotions)....
So... it's just really hard to keep forcing myself to do my "job" every day, which contributes to his happiness and success as well, and then at the end of the day have him go stay with her. It is deflating to me, I suppose. It's what I've explained of him having the best of both worlds - I stay happy and work hard in our business, which makes him happy with the business, and he gets to stay with her, which makes him happy in his personal life. It makes me angry and it hurts. He has everything he could ask for right now. For me, the business interactions are necessary right now to keep our business afloat, but the interactions with him hurt my heart. AND my personal life = heart breaking daily because of the lack of love I see in his eyes.
Does any of this make sense? I am trying to separate making sure I'm not just doing this to "hurt" him (distancing myself from the business) versus doing it for my sanity.... It's not that I want him to struggle with the business by himself, but at the same time, the business interactions are hurting me daily, and I just don't want that anymore.
What is the answer? I don't know... Are our lives drastically tangled with business, personal, friends, acquaintances, social circles and events... more than I care to think about right now. That's so much of what makes this so hard. Do you see how I've come to depend on him so much? Our lives are so intertwined in so many ways. It's not like I can just go off to work every day in a completely unrelated field, be around people who don't know us so much as a "couple," and only deal with my feelings after the work day. It's day in, day out talking with him, going to "our" office and seeing reminders of him and our dreams, working all day on things that I'm worried I'm going to lose (regarding the business being a vehicle to achieve our dreams). It's like I can never escape to give me time to heal and work on me.
So how do I set boundaries that will help distance myself from him and still keep the business going strong?????
Further, I feel like I need some pressure taken off of me regarding the business. I am so far behind and am working on getting caught up. It was hard enough when things were "okay" between us, but now that we're at where we're at, things are really, really, really behind. And H wants to work on buying more properties and doing more projects. I just feel like I want to get caught up and take a breather and just "be" for a while... So do I tell him that if he finds any more projects I'm happy to give him information to acquire them himself but that I need a break? Will that scare him away? I don't know. I'm just feel like I'm so pressured with getting caught up and am getting further and further behind and can't focus and desperately just need a "break" without the thoughts of the business falling behind hanging over my head...
Okay, rambling again and starving! Off to eat and gamble before Idol. Post if you get a chance! Thanks, Virginia. You are helping me so much! BTW, I'm here until Saturday morning. I get in on Saturday afternoon and have three move-ins at home when I get back, so Saturday will be busy, which I know is good...
