for better or for worse

[HalfMissing]

I locked my first thread.

In sickness and in health

I was really looking forward to that outing with my cousin but S7 got sick at the last minute and I had to cancel. Bummer.

I had one good day this week. On Sunday, the weather was beautiful and I had a dream about H. It made me full of hope that some day he will remember how happy we were and come home. I felt good on that day. I took the kids to see "The Last Mimzy". It was a good movie and had a subtle message about being too caught up in technology that I liked. I invited H but he said he had a migraine.

Since then I have had some bad days. I am having so much trouble having hope. I am exhausted again and not much fun for the kids. My parents came to visit on Monday and my mother was in rare form. She is a very controlling, jealous, and selfish person sometimes and it was getting really annoying. She constantly criticizes my father and at one point started to yell at him and threaten to leave him. D10 blew up at her and said "Don't you ever threaten that. You always threatened my mom with that growing up and I don't want to hear it. You don't know what you are talking about and how bad it would be." My mother then made a pitiful attempt at saying that she meant she wanted to leave to go to the store. No one bought it. After she left, my kids then ranted about how mean she was and how sorry they were that I had to grow up with a mother like that. I asked them if I ever acted that way towards their father and they assured me that in their eyes I was a good wife and never acted like grandma. That has been one of my big fears in this. I feel that maybe I am like my mother and that it is my fault that H left. I hope I am more like my father though.

I smashed my toe yesterday and may have broken it. (The darn bedroom dresser must have jumped out and hit my foot!) I taped it up but it has put a damper on things. I invited H to go swimming with us last night but he said he had to work. I feel like I should stop inviting him but the kids want to see him so much.

Last night, I read the Depression Source Book. It was very good. In chapter 3, it talks about major depression and gives a story of a man named George. He is 35, married with two kids, and a computer programmer. He shows classic signs of depression including feeling numb towards his family and questioning whether he loves his wife. The book said that losing feelings for your family is one of the signs of depression. George thinks his family is better off without him and has sleeping problems including waking up at 4 am. This is what happened to my H. I wish I could show it to H but he would say "Oh, that's not me my name is not George and I am 42 not 35." The stories were the same which made me realize that it really is depression at work here.

It is so frustrating that we know what is wrong with them but can't do a thing about it. I ordered a couple more of the Conway books so I have something to read this weekend while the kids are at H's. What an exciting weekend of groceries, laundry, and cleaning! I should have made some plans but I don't have many friends to go out to dinner with and don't want to lean on one friend too much. It has been almost a month since he left and I have yet to detach. I still wish I could just wake up and find out it was a nightmare.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Hey Half,

Sorry the week seems bad.

Please stop, no matter how much you think you need it, getting your children involved. Let them be kids. And Apparently very very smart kids. You shoud be proud.

Hug them and love them and love on them, but don't be involving them.

I still wish I could just wake up and find out it was a nightmare.

I wanted a reality tv game show host to pop out and say Congrats! You just won 1 million dollars for staying with your wife, this was all a test.

But that never happened.

Dettaching is hard, but it will come to you.

[HalfMissing]

I am trying not to involve them but they are smart and know what happened. My D overheard the bomb so she knows all the details. I admit I have failed on this.

I asked them if I was like my mother because I have always been so afraid that I would turn out like her. Maybe I shouldn't have asked that but I was concerned if I was a bad mother to them and the comments about did I act like that to their father just came out afterwards. We were all pretty upset at the time.

I am very proud of my kids. They are in the gifted programs at school. But I also have to be extra careful because gifted kids can be very fragile emotionally. I need to reread my books on gifted children again.

I think I need to detach from my mother as well as my H. I have been depending too much on my parents' support and it still upsets me so much to see how my mother acts. They are actually coming tomorrow for another visit and the kids asked me to take my mother out shopping so that they can play with grandpa alone without her getting jealous. (They asked this on their own.)

It is funny how everyone says that your spouse's MLC triggers your own. I have been soul searching trying to remember the person I was like in my teens. I will never forget that on the night before my wedding my mom came into my bedroom and said "You do know that now you are getting married, your father and I will get divorced." She was jealous that it was going to be my wedding day and I would get attention and she wanted to hurt me. I swore that my children would never have to live with the fear that their parents would divorce. I purposely waited 10 years to make sure our marriage was rock solid and H agreed that once we had children divorce would never be an option. Even a few months ago, he reassured them that Mommy and Daddy would never divorce after we saw a show on TV on the topic. (Less than a month before the bomb.) I feel like I failed them. But if I had picked a different husband who was not destined to have a MLC (as if I could have known) my children wouldn't exist.

[HalfMissing]

The other night H and I had a nice phone conversation. He said his work trip was cancelled and that he would be able to come over each morning to watch the kids before school for an hour or so. My hope is that he will get used to seeing the kids (and me) each morning and then in the summer will miss us when he doesn't. He said that it would be nice to see the kids and I goofed up and made the comment "Yes, they miss you. ... We all do." I know, bad DBing to let him know I miss him.

He also mentioned about putting money in Roth IRAs for this year and other comments about our finances that make me think he is going to be responsible financially. So I am not too worried about that right now.

Today H just came to get the kids for the weekend. He was pleasant and we talked for a half hour or so about different things while the kids finished packing. He said he is going to come this summer to mow the lawn for me and not to get a service. (I have severe grass allergies and it is a big yard.) Talking to him was like old times. Gosh, I miss him.

As they were leaving I kissed the kids goodbye and rested my hand on H's shoulder as I said goodbye to him. He leaned in to kiss me and then realized what he was doing and stopped himself. He also mentioned that he is going to take some spare furniture when he comes back with the kids. I invited him to come to Easter dinner with the three of us and he said he would let me know. (No expectations.)

I wonder what his life is like now. From what he says, he is basically going to work and then coming home and falling asleep on the couch. I assume he is still on the computer a lot and talking to the OOW, but who knows. I don't think he has gone to see her again. He has had a lot of migraines too with the weather. It sounds like his life is very similar to what it was when he was home, so I don't see how it could solve his depression. His life as a teen was basically the same too. He worked and played with the computer. He did not have many friends then either. Basically, H's lifestyle never really changed much in his life. The only different thing is that he has his own apartment. Eventually, he has to realize that living on his own is not going to magically make him happy.

Here is a question. Since H acknowledged that he has depression, would it be out of line to offer to loan it to him sometime when he comes by this week in the mornings? Should I just leave it out in case he looks at it? I wish I could get him to read Chapter 3 since that describes him exactly, but I know that would be dumb. This week I am planning on looking good when he comes over but not chit-chatting too much before I leave for work, so he doesn't think I am having him come over for that purpose.

[Grace_O]

hm,

If he's acknowledged the depression, then he'll either do something about it or he won't (like go to a C or a DR.). Even IF he sees the book and even IF he were to read it, the result would probably not be a light bulb going on. I know you want him to hear/read info somewhere that will help him to "fix" himself. I just don't think it will come from you (sorry).

Your plan to look good and not be too chatty sounds good. You need to work on detaching though. I know, we all say it and we even do it even though it's hard. It really does help you feel like you have some control over YOUR life (which is the only one we've ever had any copntrol over anyway).

Jack makes a good point about not involving the kids. I understand that you're not meaning to, but with smart kids perhapsm more vigilance is needed. Also, if your mom is that bad, even though they're helping you out....you might want to limit that contact. Just a thought.

Hope you have a good weekend.

[HalfMissing]

Actually, my mom isn't usually that bad. She just has her self-pity moments and I think my crisis has triggered her to be jealous, thinking "what about my awful life and my awful marriage". My parents usually visit around once a month or so and things go smoothly. I really want my S7 to have interaction with his grampa because he is hurting so much from H leaving. He loves grampa playing with him.

I know we all say to detach, but it is hard. I am not sitting around thinking "where is H now" or anything like that. I am not checking his cell phone records now even though I know the password and could. I am not calling him to talk and when we do talk I make sure I end the conversation. I make sure to stay on safe topics on the phone and not get too personal.

I've been reading Sally Conway's book "When a Mate Wants Out" and her philosophy is similar to the DR ones. She does stress having hope and making a mental picture of yourself with the other person in the future. She also says you need to try to build up your spouse's self esteem and encourage communication with them. In some ways, her advice seems a bit different than DBing. It seems very hard to detach when you are still hoping so much and picturing you together with them.

What practical tips do any of you have for detaching? (Other than that link to detachment on coping.org.) I am trying to GAL and stop myself from thinking about my sitch all the time. I am also limiting the time I spend on this site because the sad stories I read can make me feel so hopeless.

[goal]

Don't leave the book out or show it to him no matter what. They have to do this all on their own. I believe he would regress if he thought one bit that you were trying to help him. He would view it as CONTROL.

[HalfMissing]

I went out for dessert with my friend Sandi on Saturday to take my mind off the kids being gone. We talked about H and my friend said that she now understands why I am standing and admires the strength I am showing doing this. She said that she thought about the times she has seen us the last 6 months and noticed that H was increasingly withdrawn and was falling asleep all the time. She said that she now recognizes that he has been getting more depressed and that I am right to believe that his current behavior is related to that. I am glad that she understands why I am doing this and supports me now.

The kids seemed to have a nice weekend with H. H mentioned that the kids were misbehaving all weekend, but the kids later told me about all the games they played so I think H was only seeing the bad part. When H dropped them off, he mentioned that he had a low grade fever. I touched his forehead and the side of his face and said he felt cool, but it was probably cool from being outside. I told him to take care of himself. I am trying to incorporate some touching with him in ways that seem natural as Sally Conway recommends in her book.

D10 complained that I am always so "mopey-dopey" so I want to try to act more chipper in front of the kids. It is hard sometimes though. Sunday was hard for me with the kids being gone and I think I am having some hormonal issues because of the weight loss.

Today, H started watching the kids in the morning today. He was friendly and acted like his old self. He came to the door holding a can of Mountain Dew which I was also coincidentally holding when I came to answer the door. I showed him my can and we laughed. I showed him the plastic Easter eggs I filled for the kids while they were gone this weekend. I mentioned that for some reason the pantry doesn't magically refill itself like when he was home, and said how much I appreciated that he did that for us. (I am trying to build up his low self esteem with compliments and appreciation when I can do it without it sounding unnatural.)

So how does everyone stop thinking about their sitch all the time? I would really appreciate some advice on how to let it go more. Listening to music seems to help me some. Everything in the house reminds me of H. Do you just say "STOP" to yourself whenever you think of H? D10 told me to stop reading self-help books and read novels instead. I need to do something though to remind myself to have patience and hope and not give up and the self help books seem to do that.

[Grace_O]

hm,

It's nice that you have a friend that supports you in your DBing efforts. I have a couple that get it and are really helpful.

The compliments are nice, I use them when I can too.

As for how to stop thinking about my sitch all the time....I meditate, I walk (another form of meditation), I have projects I work on. Does it always work? No, but I don't think it's necessarily bad as long as I'm not focused on the negative stuff. When i head to a place I don't need to be, I snap a THICK rubber band on my wrist, picture a STOP sign or focus on my breathing. Sounds a little wierd, but it works for me.

As far as reading goes, I usually have one self-help and one fiction book going at the same time. That way I'm not always so intensely focused on my sitch.

Don't know if any of this is usefull to you, but it can't hurt.

Have a good night.

[HalfMissing]

Thanks for the advice Grace_0.

Today I had to explain my sitch to someone at work because word is getting around. It sounds so weird to describe what I am trying to do with standing. I keep thinking that it sounds like I'm just in denial. But what else would I be doing now anyway? All I can do is survive each day.