Actually, I have. Amazingly enough they are not hiring any new Subs until fall 2003. That would've been perfect for me. Did you know I was a former teacher?
I'm waiting to get my business off the ground a bit before I share much about it.
Nothing too exciting, but I get to put my creative urges to use a bit.
Thanks for dropping in. It's funny but I just read a post by you yesterday and remarked to myself that I had not read anything you had posted before.
Thanks for taking the time to post to me! I shall seek you out and see what you are up to.
My Birthday was quiet. H tried to make it a special day for me. He bought me several bouquets of flowers with the prompting of our S9 (what a love) and took S9 and myself out to breakfast and D17 condescended to go out to sushi dinner for another b-day treat. H and S9 then took me to borders to pick out 2 CD's. This was a very financially tight b-day so H went out of his way to try to make it nice and so I wouldn't feel the pinch.
My D prompted (I think) H to take me out to select the CD's but she's still a bit self-involved about doing anything herself. Though she did make a huge effort to be appreciative and pleasant. She tends towards prickliness usually. She has expressed a huge disappointment in me. I am an embarrassment to her; she has said that but not in so many words. Yes, I know much of this is Mother/teenage daughter dynamic. It's just that who she sees me, as is someone who has survived a war, who is shell-shocked. I am not the poster child for dynamic mothers. I am war weary and working my way out of the trenches. I've lost my pizzazz, my innocence, my flash. I'm now on the road to reinvention, so I'm okay with it. But, I feel sad that my daughter sees me as this dreary, always sick (depression, lots of cold's, foot problem, ankle problem, blah blah blah) do nothing mom. This is a fading image but a hard one to unstick from her mindset.
Do I sound victimy describing this to you? I'm trying to honestly describe a snap shot portrait of a highly sensitive, artistic, woman, whom found it incredibly hard to stay sane during my H's abandonment that coincided with a troubled and sick daughter. Personally, with my chart (astrological) full of water, I was ripe for falling into a drunken stupor of despair. It actually took me awhile to rise above that. I remember staying in bed for a solid week taking xanax and anything else, barely raising my head off the pillow. I only rallied because I finally realized that my reaction to my H was damaging my children. Rally I did! But, I wasn't super mom by any means. I went through the motions. You know: "fake it till you make it." But, I relished closing myself up in my room crawling beneath my comforter and pulling it up over my head.
I know that as she has children and matures she will be able to see it more holistically but to a child of visual sensibilities, I am not beauty personified. I am the self-sacrificing, wear my nightgown until there are too many holes, and cut my own hair variety so that she may go to the school of her choice. My watery chart is one of supporting those that I love. Of spiritual pursuits. This from me; a driven singer/songwriter of the 60's and 70's. A political radical. A listen to me sing and you will love me kind of gal. I dressed funky,spunky,cool, or bad, or hot or whatever word is being used to describe the edgy look of the day. To her I am faded, don't dye my hair often enough and those clothes, Mooooooommmm! This, in LA where Grandmother's look like teenagers and too thin trophy wives abound.
Ahh, I can go on. Just stream of consciousness here.
All in all, I did find myself feeling a bit weepy yesterday. Ya, know sometimes that P.T.S.D. still roars it's ugly head. I have also always tended towards depression and I realize that no matter what my life is like, I guess I always will.
Kids are now back at school. They were off for a week. That's a relief and I can now get back to focusing on my business, which did give me a sense of purpose.
For anyone who's interested, that was my 49th birthday. I can't believe it really. Who I am is someone very different from whom I thought I would be. I was pretty much a selfish, self-involved young women. I turned out so differently. I feel raked over the coals. Ravaged. Humbled.
