Well, I have been a busy bee!! I didn't even have a second to log on to the BB. I am happy, OH SO HAPPY to report, that I have found a project/home business/"job" for myself. I am starting a business that I am actually enthusiastic about and when I get further along, I will share about it with you. Of course, it will take awhile for me to earn my keep but the potential is there. Whew! I didn't think I would find anything that I could be enthusiastic about.
We have been in nail-biting mode here for the last week. H is the process of landing a very large contract. We are at the end of our savings so it couldn't come at a better time. God has a way of lifting us up at the very very very last minute. I trust in God. It turns out we won't know anything until next Wednesday so if you have a mind to pray for us keep those prayers coming.
Now here is the crux of my very existence for the last 4 years:
Quoting credo21:Build a life for you and the kids without.. H
...When you have re-established your life without H in it, then consider the D option. By that stage, if you have done all the above, it will really be just a piece of paper.
I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I did just that, in these past four years, that I would never, Never have stayed. I would have been long long gone. I would've created something that would've allowed me, encouraged me, to do what 50% of all married people do, DIVORCE! I would never have been able to stand up to that immense tide.
That is why I was so reluctant to get too much of a life. I knew I would not stay and learn my lessons and be able to withstand all the pressures. I am just too weak a person, in that area. Perhaps you might think this is just a justification, or lack of courage or excuses or what not. But I needed to detach just enough so I could stop the pain and stop any pursuit but not enough to break my bond with H.
I know myself, when someone causes me pain, I leave, cut them out of my life etc. That actually was my knee jerk reaction to my H's behavior. For some reason, I didn't act upon it.
But, today... I think it is now time to really do this. I have earned my way out of this marriage and know that I am not running from pain now. I can fully commit to my own life now, knowing full well, that it will irrevocably change the course of my life. I know it is time to finally, finally, let go of my marriage completely for better or for worse. I am now not holding the space for our marriage. If my H wants it he will have to hold that space. I love my children and have done everything I can to "stay" for them. I'm not leaving now even. Just finding myself and not afraid of, if in the process, I leave my marriage.
I'm not sure if I have conveyed the true essence of what I believe and feel within these words. But, I do know this, it is time for a new chapter in my life where it really is about Kansha.
Quoting credo21:In the meantime, let H win all the skirmishes and battles. Remember you are going to win the war.
Wiser words were never spoken my friend. I need to post this everywhere so I do not forget.
Frosty, I hesitate to even call “it” a fault. Apology is very important, spiritually. It’s just that you are such a contribution in every way and have nothing to apologize for! Hugs to you!
Snodderly, I will e-mail you and send mine along. I’m actually suppose to be on the east coast in May for my brother-in-law’s wedding(I get to sing a song for them). It will be just a fly in and out kind of thing, though. I’m glad you did not toss that crystal- ball, it really is a symbol of how far we have come! I’m so proud of you Snodderly! You have become a mainstay for so many people.
Hey Deb, Thanks for still checking on me! I LOL on the “just pin that terrible mother of the year award on me!” comment, I thought I had won that! Hugs to you and yours.
Credo, Aww shucks! That was nicely said! I’m so glad you use that key ring. It was a fine time wasn’t it? I wish it were a yearly thing. And you were so generous to share your travels with me! I will go and check out your situ.
