I couldn't help but notice that you appologized 2X in your post to me. Once when you said: "sorry for the details" and the other time when you said: "I only posted what I did out of concern for you."
I know it is sometimes hard to know what the "tone" of or intention is, in our posts but rest assured, I always get from you (no matter who you post too), caring, thoughtful, insightful and supportive posts that are also honest and helpful.
I probably have the same tendency to appologize as well, so of course, I would notice it.
I am grateful for the "details" in your post, it's what makes for better understanding. Your generosity in sharing them is appreciated.
As for why you posted what you posted, to me("I only posted,what I did..."), I love your thoughtful, honest even provocative posts. I value honesty and am now ( I'm sure I wasn't the first 2 years) able to hear it like it is.(I think, lol)
I'm glad that you and Alex voiced what you did. At this point I need honest reflection from people that I trust for their wisdom, thoughtfulness, kindness and intelligence. That would be you (and you Alex) and so many more that post here.
I know that I am painfully sensitive, oooooverly sensitive really. I can analyze everything a million times and still not see it in either black or white to better make a decision.
Quote: I suppose one would need to look at intent to determine actual abuse?
I think that is part of the picture. Also, how we choose to deal with it as well. As an overly sensitive person, it may not be healthy for me to live with my H's comments over time. On the other hand, it is forcing me to be vigilent with my boundaries which, believe me, go "all out" for the "opposing team." giving wide lattitudes for how others treat me.
Quote: I know that I have somewhat shutdown on my dad simply because I can't deal with it. I try to keep it at the weather and such, and unfortunately avoid him if I have to.
Well, that is a consequence for your dad (or anyone) not taking a good long inventory of oneself and not making the necessary changes. I'm beginning to understand, that empathy, is something that not everyone has. Sometimes it's family of origin based and sometimes perhaps it's really just personality based.
A lot of times these labels make it easier for people to leave relationships. "I was emotionally abused, I'm too co-dependant, etc." And many times that is a good thing. Sometimes one does just have to say, "I quit." But, other times those labels don't take in the grays and the shadows, the interplay of light and dark. They don't take into account our own ability to change things. For me, I seem uncharacteristically, for me, unable to make that final leap.
Perhaps if I could just SEE my H as THE emotional abuser and that is that, it would make it easier. But, I don't.
Now if he were behaving that way with my kids, perhaps, that would be a different story.
Emotional abuse can damage us in ways we can't even begin to fathom. I hardly fathom how damaged that I might be.
I see glimpses of it. I see it, then I don't, kind of thing.
I seem to be rambling. Your first post grabbed me though because I thought to myself, Frosty , sees me. She sees the complexity of the issues for me. She speaks to an undercurrent, that I can't seem to do justice to with just my words.
Communication can be such an imprecise thing. I know that I think I have expressed something so clearly from brain to post, only to read later, that it was interpreted a totally different way.
As you know, I can go on. (LOL) This topic of emotional abuse is one I am willing to explore. I've read many of the books. When my H was in the "acting out" stage of MLC, he was definately a text book case as an emotional abuser. But, before and after, well...
It all really boils down to: me focusing on me and becoming as strong emotionally, spiritually, physically and creatively as I can be. So that I can make the most of the life that God has given me. No matter who my H is in the matter, it is ME and my choices that I must focus on. It is such a challenge when I have been practicing unselfishness for at least 17 years now(when my D was born). Before then, I was fairly selfish. But I did have passion. I guess it is the pendulum swinging again. Too selfish, to Too self-sacrificing to being in the moment balanced and chosing at each given moment from strength of character as opposed to driven blindness.
But, there are so many ways to look at that as well.
That's why over analyzing is never good and taking action can help move things along.
Thanks for your thought provoking posts. I'm sure you got more then you bargained for, LOL.
