First of all. I want to say: it's time to banish fear. What are you afraid of? The worst has happened. She's had an affair, moved out, and is engaged to someone else. You can't "lose her" anymore than you have. You've hit-bottom. She can't do anything more to you. Your interactions with her are pretty much what things will look like if you get divorced.The only difference is when you're divorced she'll have to share the child-rearing and you'll have more time to yourself. There's only one way to go: up. You can only win. There are two scenarios: you win by getting a great life without her, OR you win by getting a great life with her. No more eggshell walking. Take back the power. You hold all the cards now. A little righteous anger is due now: she hurt you bad. But, in all honesty, she's nuts. that's not the kind of wife you want. You don't want her back AS SHE IS NOW. She's going to have to change. Do you want to be married to a self-centered, emotionally volatile, adulterous, morally vacuous person? If the MLC and new romance begin to dissipate, she'll come to her senses, and then perhaps you guys can build something good for the both of you.
But..as it is...you don't want what she's become.
She can only change for the better. And you might creatively help lead her to sanity.
So..what are you afraid of? Alientating a psycho? Upsetting a woman who does not respect you? Scaring away someone who has already left?
It's only people who hit bottom who actually become really dangerous and creative: they have nothing to lose, they have no fear. YOUR IN THE BEST PLACE RIGHT NOW.
The keys for you: Get some time for yourself and GAL. Learn to not need your wife. Put away fear.
And I can't say I manufactured this, but today, for some strange reason, I'm really excited about my life, excited about God, about what the future will bring *with or without* my wife. I don't feel like a divorce would be a death sentence. It just dawns on you one day. This is what did it for me: it was my wife telling me that the EA had become a PA. In some sense, the fear died. The worst happened. I actually can look at her with pity and compassion. She's a mess. And she needs help. But you know..I'll be OK.
SO...your options.
1. You can divorce you wife. Spiritually, emotionally, legally you have grounds. Start fresh. Take a year to find yourself. Find someone new. Live a happy life. Love your kids. Sure they will be hurt, but they are hurting now. You are not doing anything to them -- your wife did. In some sense, you are closing a door. Your wife left, you simply shut the door. You are continuing to have hope for yourself, but you are ceasing to hope your wife will change.
2. You can stand. You can hold out hope for your wife. Continue to GAL, live boldly and joyfully. Get rid of fear. Experiment. Mess with her head - but only when YOU feel like it. Have fun. Try the alpha male stuff. Internalize The Way of A Superior Man. Become someone new and interesting. Simply decide you will not end the marriage.
IF you stand, this will lead to one of two scenarios:
2a. She'll come around. She'll come back. You may take her back, or you may not. But the choice will be yours. If you choose not to take her back: go back to option one. If you choose to take her back: make sure the marriage works for the both of you. You need to be a new person 8, or she'll walk all over you again. That's why GAL is key. Rebuild something new and exciting.
2b. She divorces you. You held the moral high ground. There was no stone left unturned. Start fresh. Take a year to find yourself. Find someone new. Live a happy life. Love your kids. Sure they will be hurt, but they are hurting now. You are not doing anything to them -- your wife did.
