Our C use to notice this unusual phenomena that when H does a little venting. He gets it off his chest and then the real H emerges.
She was curious about this and we had several sessions where my H did indeed vent. We noticed that he then became participatory and he was open to learning new and better skills regarding expressing his needs and feelings and he was more open to feedback. And he has put these skills into practice and been improving over time.
The times between his stupid, insensitive and hurtful comments is becoming longer and longer. He just has a long way to go.
So how much of what my H says is just his need to vent? NOT that it is okay for him to say hurtful things to me. But this guy lives in his head. It's like he has to get it out for him to see how confused his thinking is.
After our latest talk. And these have all been very good talks. (I don't like all of what he says and he can have a tendency to bring up things that I do or did that he disagrees with.)my H has felt much more empowered and has been very respectful to me. I know some of the things he says are unbelievable. I do think that when he gets them out he realizes this as well. I know it sounds like I am making excuses for him. That is not my intention. This is a problem.
I need to be much stronger in my bounderies. I need to enforce ground rules for our communication so that I can avoid being vicitimised by his voicing any thought that is in his head.
I do intend to hold him accountable.
I am not back-pedaling. I almost hesitate to share the "cr@p" my H says. But sometimes I get confused. Did he really say what he said?
I just don't think emotional abuse is that simple. He does not systematically undermine me at all times. Just occasionally. This is not okay, I know this. Where is the line crossed from problem to be addressed to abuser and victim? Not sure I'm making any sense.
I will find my path. I will find my path. I will find my path.
Thanks for listening. I welcome your insights, thoughts, comments, hugs, hellos, etc.
