Your W is also saying you make sarcastic statements. Those statements do not come from happiness.
but if you do it with a british accent, its charming.
Originally Posted By: Cobra
I know you never claimed to be angry, just unhappy, maybe depressed, disappointed. That still sounds like repressed anger to me, especially considering what you’ve told us. ...
anger isn't synonymous w/ any of those other things.
Originally Posted By: Cobra
the lies are the justifications given you that being “more independent,” shutting down emotionally, dancing on eggshells to please your parents and gain their approval, and plenty more I’m sure. Why don’t you tell us about that?
well, no, I think YOU need to tell ME about that, because you're the one making this stuff up. I don't dance to gain anyone's approval...never did. If anything, that made matters worse irt my parents, etc. They'd have loved for me to dance for them...I wouldn't do it.
Originally Posted By: Cobra
How about get in touch with your emotions and your pain?
another classic. but wtf does it mean??? reminds me of the old recurring skit on SNL w/ the pop-therapist, whos response to everything was "......have you LOOKED at ya-self???" and everyone went away with this enlightened look, like they'd just seen the burning bush or something.
Originally Posted By: Cobra
Let’s go with this last statement of yours, hopefully to explain where I am coming from. Why do you think a statement about your feelings can come back to bite you in the arse, big time? What fear are you talking about, what “Fear that something bad may have happened.”
Because it has before, and it continues to be so. revealed vulnerabilities can be used as weapons. I'm not going to go any deeper into it than that; you'll just have to take my word for it. In THIS case...she said she let the cows out. that's bad. I reacted negatively. That was FEAR that the cows were out, and I would have difficulty getting them back in. turns out, she didn't let the cows out. whew! But NO...can't put that genie (my reaction) back in the bottle. I had an emotional reaction, and now I MUST PAY! but wait--I'm supposed to be "in touch" with my feelings and express them and yadda yadda yadda...which one is it???
Yeah, it's confusing, I know. I don't think I'm really AOS. I think that was me channeling my mother's LL. I do think that WOA and QT are a better fit for me.
WOA....seems like something that can be learned
I would be MOST appreciative of any effort you make to learn my LL. :-*
I was going to suggest that CAC4 ask you for that help. Glad to see you still have your sense of humor!!
Here's what I was going to write to him. take a look, add your comments and let him know what you think.
CAC4: Do not get too hung up on getting the exact words right. (well I would lay off the "nice rack" comments unless she appreciates that nice of humor) Just focus on the main point - you love her.
By the way it may not be as easy as you think but I like your attitude!
FWIW I happen to love sarcasm and funny inside jokes. My XH used to say "Nice Beaver" and I would reply "Thanks, I just had it stuffed"
MrsCAC4 may not feel like she is IN on the sarcasm and jokes which is why they feel hurtful to her. It's kind of hard to pull completely back on sarcasm (and CAC4 has a true GIFT) but maybe it can be channeled so both of you feel comfortable.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
My mother thought this would have been a good way to handle it. She also admitted that she probably avoided talking to me because my emotional personality made her uncomfortable, and she was afraid that she couldn't help me (meet my need) and she would feel like a fool (feel ashamed??)
This scenario has played out between H and me countless times, with me playing me, and H playing my mother.
Ditto this... and not just with this bf, but with other R's, too.
I can't help anymore with cac... he's reacting so much the way my bf does that I'm getting too pissed off to be level-headed.
you know...I don't really know. "starving person at the buffet" sort of thing. 2 or 3 times a week? I could do more, maybe...or less. I don't think I'm as voracious as that randy NOPster of yours. I would like to be able to describe our SL with the words "frequent, enthusiastic, varied"...
How about get in touch with your emotions and your pain?
another classic. but wtf does it mean??? reminds me of the old recurring skit on SNL w/ the pop-therapist, whos response to everything was "......have you LOOKED at ya-self???" and everyone went away with this enlightened look, like they'd just seen the burning bush or something.
I get your point Cac. Being aware of your feelings and even where they stem from, FOO blah blah, has little to do with actually taking the steps to becoming a better person, better partner. Figuring out WHY you are the way you are is certainly interesting but there is no automatic "insight" or cure to the problems.
Cobra, Have you ever thought that with as much energy you put into discovering how your FOO relates to who you are (as well as everyone else around you), that maybe you would get a lot farther by applying some CBT techniques or the like. It's like the person who has cancer and all they focus on is how they got it instead of looking for workable treatments. Wastes a lot of precious time. There is no empirical evidence that delving into FOO is going to solve any problems. It helps in the sense that it gives you a background and foundation of that person's history but real change does not occur until you start applying some cognitive and behavioral approaches. You talk a lot about how people on this board deflect. Maybe you are using the FOO issues to avoid making legitimate changes in yourself. Not that you are not changing for the better, but I think you may get a lot farther by not focusing AS MUCH on the FOO. That goes for your W's issues too. You can blind yourself to other approaches when you see things in such a narrow way. But like you said, you are certain you are on the right track so I'm sure you won't seriously consider this option. Maybe other's will not get so bogged down on the FOO stuff though. We CAN re-write our histories Cobra. Anyone who has gone through a horrible childhood and manages to become a highly functioning adult does it all the time. I think it is safe to say they do not blame their childhoods on how they act and think today. I doubt they blame their parents or call them narcissistic, or harbor lots of anger at how their mother treated them. And even if they have done the most complete FOO psychological research, they probably did not become healthy and happy until they made a conscious choice to do so. We CAN and often should change our thoughts and feelings if it is in our best interest to do so (and the best interest of our S). Maybe you should Let Go a little. You may end up being much happier in the end. LFL
Quote: -------------------------------------------------- Anyone who has gone through a horrible childhood and manages to become a highly functioning adult does it all the time. I think it is safe to say they do not blame their childhoods on how they act and think today. --------------------------------------------------
Amen.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I agree that cobra sometimes beats the FOO stuff into the ground, BUT discovering FOO issues is NOT about assigning blame, it's about understanding why you do what you do. A perfect example is survivors of sexual abuse. The understand of where their present-day fears originate can give a huge boost to changing and growing. Uncovering FOO issues is no substitute for making behavioral changes in the present and sometimes this kind of understanding can assist in making changes. Also uncovering FOO issues can help a person stop blaming him/herself for stuff. Blame is totally useless, as is judgment. Information, however, can be very useful.
Jung talked about the process of individuation, by which he meant making unconscious things conscious. If you just do a thing and don't know why SOMETIMES it's harder to change. Not always. There's also a case to be made for the "just do it" school. But generally if you're going to make a conscious choice, it's good to BE conscious of what you're choosing and why. Understanding can also help us be gentler with ourselves as well as with our FOO.
But, as I said, understanding FOO issues is in addition to not instead of making behavioral changes.
Maybe I can give you some pointers?