I signed all of the D papers last night - exactly one year from the BOMB....
Can you believe it has been a year? I didn't find this place until May but it still seems like yesterday....
I had a tough night - in some ways, a great pressure was lifted and the dark cloud of this D that I have been traveling too was coming to an end. I can see the sun again - and it is a good thing. But I asked God to forgive me for wanting the D now. Why? I fought so hard to save my M - when all the while I learned I had egg on my face. She never intented to stay. The only reason it took as long as it did was because she wanted to wait for her legal benefits to kick in Aug 1. She saw a L a week later.
Funny thing though....Due to the L issues when I was served and my L tried to send her L papers, her L threatened to charge Jill because it was "contested" if a L contacts her, blah blah blah... Anyways, due to these issues, I sent in the paperwork myself to Jill's L. Well all I did was send it in saying that I recieved it. I never filed the response to her D claims ever. So I didn't have to provide an agreement to "There has been a breakdown of the M that is not repairable." Now while I do believe at this point that it is not repairable - because it is not - she has done too much and I need to be out of this with her. But I didn't have to agree to it or anything! Kind of fitting I guess. Technically, I could be found in default (Jill can take anything if I default), but my L said he will take care of it if I am and it is no big deal. Jill and I signed all the papers yesterday, now we just wait for the court date....
Jill said "Thank you for doing all this paperwork" since I pretty much did her L job of writing the agreement. My only response "It had to be done....".
Feeling like I am free today. I know it is not final yet, but my home is mine now. I will make it what I want. I will live my life everyday like there is no tomorrow. A year of darkness has ended for me. And while there have been periods of light throughout the last year in terms of my own life, my children, and some new people that have come into my life - the last few months regarding the D have been stressful and dark.....
I am going into the sunshine now. I will do everything I can to stay there.
It is snowing here in Michigan again! We had 70s not too long ago!! Bleh!!!!!
"We teach others how to treat us."
I think this is a Dr. Philism. But it is true of us and everyone we know. If you don't like the way someone is treating you but you don't do anything to change - why would you expect any other outcome? In other words, if you do "More of the same" why wouldn't those who interact with you do "More of the same" too?
This is something I have struggled with in regards to Jill - my STBCAXW. I have lived in fear since she filed the D back in Sept 06 - not because I am afraid of her - but because I have been afraid of what she could to in terms of D settlement. So I guess I am afraid of her actions. She has been a loose cannon and has either threatened me or flip flopped several times during the settlement phase - all with crazy ideas of what is fair (to her of course). While I have had to endure this crap from her, I did quit taking her verbal crap. Heck, I have hung up the phone on her several times always prefacing it with "You know what, I don't have to take this from you anymore." CLICK!
I have been working on this more lately - teaching my XW how to treat me. At first, I thought I should apply the Golden Rule. But what I have found is that no matter how nicely I treated her, I still got treated like crap. So I had to get more forceful with her and really establish boundaries. As soon as I did that, we had a much better understanding and my stress levels started to decrease.
So, how do I want my interaction with my XW to be? She of course has always felt that she will wash her hands of me with a D - but we all know we will be involved in terms of the children for the rest of our lives. But how do I want this interation to be? I guess peaceful, but at what cost? There are so many times I feel like I am being a pushover. Why? She provided me with a list of my share of expenses for March 2007 and included my 50% of the $230 D filing fee. Isn't this ethically messed up? I mean she filed, she has free legal benefits, she started all this - why do I have to pay 1/2 of it? I told her I wasn't paying this at all even though intially I said okay. Why did she even ask me to pay any of this?
But how do I not feel like a pushover or being too nice? I don't want to be a jerk to her, but she does some wacky things that really tick me off. When is it time to speak up and speak my mind? Or is it better to just detach from it? I guess in the end it will go the way of DBing her even though my M has already ended. Good enough reason I guess to never stop DBing the X.
I don't know. I just don't want my interaction with her for the rest of my life to be stressful. Learning as I go I guess....
worry about you...focus on who you want to be and then be that person. It will only be as stressful as you allow it. LSS sucks. Until recently, I panicked at the thought of having to deal with his schmeare campaign...now...schmeare away. I can only get dirty if I let you dirty me. Whatever....
I don't know if this is making any sense as I am running on 1 hour of sleep and a lot of caffeine
I think it depends on how much stress these interactions give you, IOW the quality/price ratio.
Is getting her off your back worth $115?
Or will it make you feel used?
Is it really an ethical dilemma?
Or are you angry? (as I would be, LOL)
In case it's not clear, what I'm trying to say is that your interactions should, as much as possible, bring *you* peace, regardless of whether or not they make her happy. Sometimes, I just want to make STBXH's life miserable cuz I'm mad--but it wouldn't bring me peace, so I don't.
Take care, buddy. Glad you're doing well.
Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
