Hi, everyone --

Virginia, thank you for your inspiring posts and for copying the post from the gentleman - all of it was indeed very helpful.

Well, I'M IN VEGAS BY MYSELF!!!! \:\) I feel strange, empty, full, empowered, angry, sad, lost, lonely, strong, etc, all at the same time.

Am working on getting some work done during the day today so will post more later, but just an update for now.

So yesterday I asked H if he was going today (yesterday). He asked where? I said to Vegas. He said no. I told him okay, that I was still going to go, that I had a lot that I needed to think about and sort through. He said okay and I think looked kind of shocked... I asked him if he could meet me at the office in a few hours to go over some business things before I left, and he said he would.

He called on the way to the office and asked if I had eaten and if I wanted him to bring lunch, so he brought lunch for us (I should have told him I had already eaten...) Anyway, we ate and went over our business stuff.

Then he left to go back to the job site. It was perfect because he was getting ready to leave and was standing next to my desk, and I was sitting at my desk. So he said he was leaving and I said okay and kept working. Then he told me to give him a hug, and he hugged me and told me to have a safe trip.

I had to call him on my way to the airport to help with a tenant showing, but other than that, I have not talked to him at all since then.

It was a challenge getting to the airport, as I hurt my foot yesterday, and it was really hard to walk. So it was pretty rough getting all of my luggage around, AND I did it. It made me realize how much I depend on him - even for small things like helping with luggage when we travel.

I purposely did not turn on my cell phone until late last night. There was a message from him giving me an update on a purchase he had made just to let me know for finance reasons. It was odd - at the end of the message, he kind of paused, and I could tell he didn't know what to say to end his message. So he ended by saying something like "I'll just talk to you later." He didn't say that he hoped I was having a nice trip/had a safe flight/etc., which made me a little sad, but that's okay. I also sensed that he seemed a little mad - I don't know, maybe mad because I left when we're so busy, maybe mad that I left at all. Probably just me being sensitive. I know he's surprised that I'm here and doesn't quite know how to react I guess. So he left me that phone message at about 8 o'clock last night. Made me wonder whether he was purposely leaving it later on at night so that I didn't think he was just using my time away to jet over to her house and spend a long evening with her. I know, I'm not supposed to care...

Then I checked e-mail today, and he had responded to one of my e-mails from a few days ago about a business item. He sent the e-mail at 8:40 pm last night - again, he's had days to respond to this e-mail, and he chose last night later in the evening to send it??? Again, just made me wonder, but I know I'm not supposed to care... But if I'm honest with myself and you I have to admit that I was glad to see that he wasn't just "glad to see me gone" and rushing over early to her house...

So, he told me to call him to do any apartment showings while I'm gone and that if he wasn't available he would get someone else to do it. I said okay but am now going back on that... I don't feel like I want to have ANY contact with him at all until I get home if I can avoid it - no e-mail, no phone calls, no anything. I guess this is two-fold reasoning - one being that I feel like I just need to cut all ties for a few days and just take a break from seeing him/talking to him/etc., the second being that I hope it will be good for him to have me not around and maybe get a taste of what that would be like. If I keep up communication with him while I'm gone, from a communication standpoint it won't be that much different from when I was home.

I got a better night's sleep last night than I have in a long time. It by no means was perfect, but it was better, even with not being at my own home. I woke up only a few times and was able to get right back to sleep. I ordered room service when I got to the hotel since my foot was hurting so bad by then to walk anywhere to eat. I can count on one hand or even probably a few fingers the amount of times in my life that I've ordered room service, so it was kind of weird to order it and just hang out by myself and eat - empowering and lonely feeling all at the same time. I put on my Daughtry CD and unpacked and just took it easy.

So, let me tell you what Jody told me on our phone call yesterday morning - or for now just the main thing I got out of it.

I was telling her how I was feeling like I was just done and didn't want to do this anymore. As you are telling me, she said this is GOOD because my anger is going to put me finally in the right frame of mind and give me strength to detach from him, which is what I need to do. She said people make the mistake of thinking that when you feel like you're done you have to give up, but rather than do that, she said I just need to "act as if I am done." So my assignment while I am here is to re-read the LRT and write down specific things I can do to incorporate those techniques into my situation. I told her that I felt like I just wanted to give him the ultimatum now, that I just don't know if I want to do this anymore, but she said she didn't think I would have a good result with that right now, which I'm fairly positive I wouldn't either, so rather than do that now, use my feelings to act like I'm done and see what happens from there. This is the same thing you've been telling me, that my anger is going to put me in the place I need to be right now in my journey.

I'm going to do a lot of thinking while I'm here and plan on talking with Jody when I get back to let her know what I've thought about, but then from my conversation with her it sounds like I may then talk to H and set some boundaries. At this point, I no longer feel like I want to continue our R the way it is right now. I truly feel done with that. I'm tired of working so hard and having him go stay with her. I'm tired of having my heart rip out time and time again every single day from seeing him and talking to him. I'm tired of having my own H not look at me and talk to me with love and having to deal with that on a daily basis... I'm just ready to be strong and set boundaries and set some different dynamics to how to go forward with this. I do not want to keep things the way they are. I'm too unhappy. I hope that will not mean losing him, but things just need to change. Hopefully these few days away from him will be good for both of us.

My main challenge is to determine how I can change the dynamics regarding the business since we do need to interact daily. I will be thinking about that a lot while I am here. I would really appreciate any suggestions you all have on this, as this is going to be really hard.

Even just being away from him in Vegas I feel better - I miss him terribly, not the way things are now, but I just miss him; I hope that makes sense. At the same time, I don't feel so unsettled. I can focus a little better. Maybe it's because I'm not around so many things that remind me of him. Maybe it's because I'm not worried that he's going to walk in the door anytime and something is going to happen to hurt me... or that I'm going to snoop and hurt myself... Maybe I just feel empowered that I took this trip by myself. At the same time, I'm really sad being here without him because we have taken quite a few trips here together, and I reflect on all of the wonderful times that we've had, and I miss that. I know if he would have come this time it just would have mostly been awkward, so I know this is for the best for both of us, but I just miss him and us and the good times we had. That is the sad part of all this.

Well, I'm starving and am going to go grab some lunch. I'll check in later tonight. Thanks again for all of your help and support.