New Thread for 2940!!!!

[Rosy_Times]

I think you need some space from him. I've only seen what everyone has been telling me for weeks and it looks like you are riding on the ups and downs he is handing you. I see that you are leaving but what about when you get back? How can you put more distance and less contact between the two of you? I hope your C appointment goes well. Keep your chin up!

[2940831]

Thanks, Rosy. I tend to agree with you - I need to distance myself from him somehow. It's very difficult since we are in business together...

I am having a really hard day still. I have to run and get ready for our dinner but wanted to write and just tell you that I still feel like I'm just done. I got back to our office after the counseling session today and picked up a receipt that has been sitting on his desk. It was from a grocery store for some liquor mix and a single rose for the day after we got back from his parents' house. Then I checked his credit card bill again and saw that there was a dinner charge on there for that night. I don't know why I snooped again, but of course I had another meltdown. The thought of him spending the whole obviously "romantic" evening with her the day after we got home makes me want to vomit.

I almost feel like I'm deliberately trying to make myself hurt more so that I can somehow justify this feeling I'm having that I'm just done with this. I am feeling stronger about it all the time. I know it's only been a few days that I've been feeling this way, but somehow a certain "peace" is also starting to take over that it's what I need to do in order to move on for now and stop some of this pain so that I can work on bettering myself without him being involved. That is such a challenge with the business, but that is what I am leaning towards at this point. I don't know if I'm ready yet to talk about D, but I almost feel like it. As my counselor pointed out, people do get D's and get back together again, so that's always possible I suppose if it's meant to be...

I know I can't make a rash decision. I scheduled an early morning appointment tomorrow morning to talk with Jody (DB coach) to tell her how I'm feeling and get some guidance. My plan is to go on the trip to Vegas (I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon) and do some heavy thinking and soul searching while I'm gone and see how I feel when I return. However, I feel like I'm done, guys.

The thing is, I feel like I'm "giving up" before I've turned over every stone. I know there is so much more that I need to do to make me a better person, and I honestly want to do those things, but I just feel like I can do them better without him anymore. If afterwards he chooses to come back to me, maybe we can work it out then.

But then part of my just holds on to the commitment that I made to love this man forever - no matter what, and I feel so guilty for feeling like I am betraying that... I don't WANT to be a quitter. And I know so many of you have stuck it out for so long. I just don't know if I want to be this unhappy and unsettled anymore. My work is suffering, my health is suffering, and my happiness is suffering. I know you've all told me that all of these things are in MY control, that H is not responsible for them. At the same time, my heart just tears apart more and more each day, and I just feel myself pushing him further and further away and growing angrier and angrier and feeling like I just want to do this by myself now - without him.

The thought of him spending his special times with her is just more than I want to think about anymore I think. I'm tired of being there to make the business successful for him during the day and then for him to go home to her at night. It just hurts, and I feel used in ways and just feel done with it... I don't want to see him every day anymore. I don't want to talk to him.

Where is this all coming from, guys? This is so opposite from what I've been feeling. It's like ever since Saturday when I had my "experience" all of my emotions have changed so much.

I know there is so much more than I can do and can do so much better with DBing to work on saving my marriage, and that is what is biting at me. I don't want to feel like I didn't do everything I could. At the same time, I'm just tired of hurting so much and knowing he's with someone else. I'm just tired....

Help! I have to run to dinner. I'll let you know how it goes but wanted to post before I left to please ask for your feedback. Am I giving up too soon if that's the decision I make????

[Walking]

Hiya cranky girl

I'm sorry I've abandoned you during the past couple of days. Things have been frantic around here - I took a well deserved weekend mini-break - but came home to a business crisis (I really need a new job) and a domestic disaster (my foster daughter, who is a refugee from Iran, had a hard weekend and she's beside herself - poor love) so I haven't had a chance to devote the time here.

I've started about 4 posts, but you were moving too fast for me, so I'd respond to one and then it was kind of out of date.

OK - I'm starting again from where you seem to be at.

I'm hearing you are at that well travelled roadstop called "what the hell am I doing here?" or colloquially "where do I get off this rollercoaster?"

Tricky place to be - and if I may say so, you must have been breaking the speed limit to get here, because this is fast progress indeed. Well done.

Do you know the Kubler-Ross stages of grief? The 5 Stages of Grief were defined by Elsabeth Kubler-Ross in her book "On Death and Dying", she presented 5 stages terminally ill people go through upon learning of their terminal illness.

They were not originally the 5 stages of Grief but better: The 5 Stages of Receiving Catastrophic News (ring any bells).

The stages are

Denial (this isn't happening to me!)

Anger (why is this happening to me?)

Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)

Depression (I don't care anymore)

Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)


The 5 Stages define the process a bereaved person must go through in order to resolve their grief. Grief is a complicated, multi-dimensional, individual process that probably can't be generalized in 5 steps. It is however a good start to understanding what's happening for us.

Unforutnately we don't necessarily go through them in order or even necessarily only once, we can keep cycling through denial, anger etc until we've dealt with the issues that are keeping us there.

You are currently smack bang in the middle of anger. Does it hurt? Absolutely. Is it necessary? You betcha. Can you get off? Can you stop this pain and anger? Sorry - not until you work through it. The anger that you are feeling now isn't something you can just stop. What would have to happen for it to stop? What? Tell me? [Think your answer here - and if you are thinking "I don't know" tell me what it would be if you did know]

Is that going to happen? Unlikely huh?

(I) Am just feeling like I'm done with feeling this way and don't want to do this anymore.

And the alternative would be? What would you have to do to stop feeling this way? What would have to happen so these feelings would go away?

You know, bad things happen. I don't know why - they just do. In order to be a grown up, we need to be resiliant. Fall down seven times and get up eight. You know? That's what you are learning now. It's the crappest feeling in the world, but bad stuff happens and we have the skills we need to get through it.

Think about a parent who's child is abused. Think about the spouse of a police officer who is killed in the line of duty. Think about the child whose parents and 2 other siblings are killed in a car accident. Imagine you are some of the other people on this board who have been married for the same period of time, but have 2 or 3 kids and limited income. You are not Robinson Crusoe my lovely.

You know in all of those scenarios those people have to keep on. They have to go through all the same things you are going through, but they have to do so without the same hope, encouragement and resources that you have at your disposal. Can they get off the ride? No more than you.

I've been trying to figure out how to respond to the stuff you've been reflecting on about how long do you wait and is all this worth it. Facts are - there is no easy way to decide that. It's personal and it's entirely interdependent on where you are at on your journey.

One day when I have more time, I'll tell you my story - and it will demonstrate the awakening I had that made me realise it just wasn't worth it for me. (Funnily enough, my gorgeous exH would kill to get back together with me now - but I'm so over it, and will never go back to that place. We are great friends and I will always be inordinately fond of him, but too much happened and I grew up. He's still got a lot of growing up to do)

Thing is, you don't have to make any decisions today. Today you just have to get through.

Will dumping your H make the pain go away? No. Will DBing make the pain less intense? Yes, but probably not today or tomorrow. Will DBing save your marriage? - well I don't know about you - but in my circumstance - DBing saved me - and I was a much more valuable commodity to save than my fun but dysfunctional marriage.

[Walking]

And by the way ....

I'm thinking, "you have some nerve." He brings his bag up to the office from our trip to his parents and has his golf shoes in it, hasn't come back home since and now wants me to bring those golf shoes to him.

way to go. He is ABSOLUTELY out of line and you have every right to be mad about it.

I'm so pleased you are getting mad about it. This is fast progress. You are starting to realise that YOU DESERVE BETTER. See? It works. Keep it up.

[iluvme]

What was your MC's advice re: "I just don't know if I want to do them with him by my side or somehow find a way to separate more from him and get some space to better myself without him around so much, but I don't know how to do that with the business."

[2940831]

Hey, guys --

Am exhausted and on meds and need to go to bed, so just time for a quick post.

So I cried the whole time getting ready for dinner, then had to stop so as not to smear my makeup... LOL

I tried to dress up really nice and classy for the dinner and was very outgoing and personalbe while there. But the whole time, I just felt very distant from H. I was sitting next to him, and it would just make me cringe to even have his leg touch mine... How said is that.

So I made it through the dinner and started to walk out, and H told me to give him a hug and said something like "see ya later, baby." I think he calls HER "baby." He's never called me that, so it made me want to vomit...

So I asked him if he was going to be at the office tomorrow, and he said yes. So I just said goodbye and left!

So, walked back to my car and got in the car to drive home and proceeded to bawl like a baby all the way home. I am still feeling like I'm just done with this. The pain is getting less, and the peace is growing. I don't want to be treated like this anymore by him. I don't want to give all of myself every day to our business only to have him go home to someone else. If he's willing to support me in the ways I need to grow, great. If not, I really feel like I just need to let him go and do it on my own. The pain I'm having to deal with from him on top of trying to make myself a better person just doesn't feel worth it anymore. And maybe if I let go, he will see what he might be missing. If not, I guess it wasn't meant to be.

Again, I don't know where this all is coming from... This is like a complete 180 for ME with my emotions... But I just keep screaming out at him at the top of my lungs at how angry I am at him for not leaving me before being with someone else, for putting me through this for so long, for promising to give us another chance and then not putting his heart into it... I'M JUST DONE!!!!

So, I was getting ready to write this quick note to you, and guess who pulls in the driveway at our house? Oh, yes. H! So, as I told you, we had this dinner tonight with a few other couples for the friend of ours who I told you seems to have some sort of influence on him's birthday. And, what do you know, he decides to come home again? I tell you, there is something about this man who brings out something in H... Don't know what it is.

At any rate, I hear the garage door go up, and my heart stops. Then I hear the toilet flush downstairs, and then nothing. I was going to wait until he came up to our bedroom (my suitcase is getting packed on the bed for my trip to Vegas tomorrow, which I STILL have not said anything to him about...) I thought it would be perfect timing to say something to him about it. But then I didn't hear him come upstairs. So after about 5 minutes, I went downstairs, and he's passed out on the couch in family room with all of his clothes on... I tried to unsuccessfully wake up a few times. I asked him what he was doing and why he was home (I guess the anger is taking over in me, like you said). He was too incoherent to answer me. (I think he DID have a little much to drink tonight.) I asked him if he had had too much to drink to drive, but he didn't answer me - just passed back out.

So, what does this mean? I'm angry again because he just thinks he can waltz back into our house whenever he wants and tear my heart up all over again - he just seems to have no regard for my feelings. I did expect him to come upstairs and at least try to sleep in our bed, but he's just too out of it I think, which is a good thing. It wouldn't have been good for me to have to deal with that tonight...

At any rate, not sure what to think of all this - think he just drank too much and didn't want to drive all the way up to "her" house. He probably called her on the way and lied about where he was staying tonight - who knows.

I just keep thinking about that damn rose and liquor mixer the day after we got home from his parents' house and just want to puke all over again. I really feel like I'm done with this, guys. My feelings really aren't wavering. Does it feel good to know he's downstairs sleeping on our couch instead of in her bed? Yep. Does it hurt that he didn't even TRY to sleep with me? Yep, even though I would have worked hard to turn him down. Does it feel horrible that he just thinks it's okay for him to come home when he wants to and tear my heart out? Um-hum. Am I still angry and want to just give him the ultimatum? Yep. That's where I'm at.

My fear is that I am so driven that I don't feel like I would EVER give up DBing in order to get this M back on track. The problem is, life is short, and I don't want to keep living like this for much longer. He's happy with someone else, and I'm miserable. I want to be happy, too. I would love to be happy with him, but how long do I just get kicked around and hurt until enough is enough? I don't know. I WANT to become a better person that he will want, but I don't think I want to do that in this way anymore. It's too hard to be so close to him with the business and whatnot...

I am looking forward to talking with Jody tomorrow and will let you know how that goes....

Thanks for listening to me vent, guys. I don't know what has come over me, but I just want to get on with my life, but I feel so weak for not keeping up the fight...

[Walking]

Hi 2940 (Your new name is hard to get used to)

I want to respond to these 'new' feelings you are having

tell you that I still feel like I'm just done.

but somehow a certain "peace" is also starting to take over that it's what I need to do in order to move on for now and stop some of this pain so that I can work on bettering myself without him being involved.

However, I feel like I'm done, guys

and I just feel myself pushing him further and further away and growing angrier and angrier and feeling like I just want to do this by myself now - without him

I don't want to see him every day anymore. I don't want to talk to him.

This means you are healing. OK - think about the woman you thought you were before you were blindsided by Hs admission that he was seeing someone else. You were the woman who told your friend that if your H cheated on you you would be out of there? Yes?

Now you've had a melt down, been through denial, done a bit of bargaining and are experiencing a bit of anger and you are taking your power back.

I'm not trying to trivalise your experiences, but rather put them into perspective. All of these feelings and changes are by the book. This is what happens to people when they go through a crisis and you are going through it in your own time, having your own experiences, but grief and loss and change are universal.

The good news is "letting go" or "detatching" is the key to effectively DBing. Right now you feel as though it's 'giving up' but the point is that you can't sufficiently detach from your H until you sincerely do understand that you are going to be OK no matter what.

Regardless of if you get back together or you divorce - you are going to be OK.

Until now you've been letting your phone go to voice mail, or being 'mysterious' as a strategy to get your marriage back. That might work a little, but it rarely works a lot. What InLim and others have been saying to you is that you need to 'let go' for yourself. That's what you are thinking about now.

I loved that comment InLim made about life not being on pause while you are working on your marriage. What she's getting at, is part of the journey to detaching (which has an ultimate aim of giving your H the space to figure out he misses you and would like to work on your marriage) is getting on with your life.

In our life we often feel as though we have to fix things immediately, make decisions, take action, get it sorted. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is nothing.

Think about it in terms of a negotiation. You would rarely tell a business competitor everything that you are thinking and what is going on for you in terms of the deal you are doing. Likewise, you don't have to tell your H you are in or out. You don't have to give ultimatums or anything else at this stage, because time is your friend. Time for you to get a life, really understand that you are a unique and whole individual and you will be OK, you will be better than OK, regardless of whether you are married to him or not.

I also want to comment on the assumptions you've made about

him spending the whole obviously "romantic" evening with her

That's an assumption - and you know better than to assume. You don't know what is going on with them. You don't know what they do together - and it will do your head in thinking about it. Jealousy is an evil and ultimately useless emotion.

In my experience, and in the stories I've heard over and over again on this board, our assumptions about the time that our spouses spend with the other person are vastly superior in quality to what is really going on. Just don't go there.

OK. I've got to go home, my dog hasn't had a proper walk in 3 days.

Good luck with Jody tomorrow.

You are going so well girlfriend. Just keep getting up.

[HeartScared]

Hello 2940,

Seven years ago before my husband and I got married he cheated on me. I went through all the emotions you are going through, I went through them again recently but my husband WILL NOT admit to anything and maybe I am stupid but I actually believe him this time the evidence was too hard the last time. (The OW and I confronted him. But our R was messed up I was a horrible person to be around at the time I was not meeting any of his needs not that its an excuse.)

At any rate seven years ago when this happened to us I was about to give up when he finally came around. I was pursuing him like crazy doing everything I was not supposed to do even though he said we would work it out I wanted it NOW, NOW, NOW. But I was like 20 years old and knew nothing about DB. Then I started going to psychics (I know, I was 20!) They were telling me to leave him alone and he will come back. Well, a friend of mine thought I should just move on so he took me to a cuandera (Mexican folk doctor) to prove to me I needed to move on. Well, he was wrong, the cuandera also told me to keep faith, but to leave my then BF alone. She had me meet her every Tues and Thurs for all the cleansing stuff and readings. At any rate ( I can't believe I am writing this) I started to get really tired of doing it. I was not supposed to call him or spy on him which I did ALL the time. SHe told me to concentrate on my kids and school and managing my money better. FInally I started to listen to her because I would come in to the appointments and she would be like "Did you go spy on him again? Didn't I tell you to stop?"

Well, I finally got to a point where I wanted to give up, I was tired of the appointments tired of wanting him. I was so tired I ignored him. I did not care I was detached and guess what? He started to come around again, spent the night with me every night of the week and eventually we moved back in together. It was at my breaking point. So maybe these feeling you have are good to get you on the road to detaching.

If I were you I would not tell him about the trip to Las Vegas. I did something similar seven years ago. Instead of going to Las Vegas I packed up with my two kids in tow and drove to L.A. I called him from California to tell him to check my apartment. He was mad. Later on he asked me why I did not invite him along. Because I was mad at him, I was through. When I got back I did not call him at all. I just ignored him.

Now in retrospect I do not think "Magic" was really involved because she said all she could do was help things to move faster, but I know the things about detaching and leaving him alone did work. Look how they work for all the people on these boards. So even though it was not a traditional method of working things out with my husband she helped me to concentrate more on me so that everything else would fall into place. Now I have DBing, so I do not need a cuandera. Even though my sitch is getting better already I really have to admit I think DBing helped a lot with it. It has made me a better person and my husband is starting to warm up to me again. The thing about going through that rough patch with him years ago is that I can sense something being off balance faster and do something before its too late.

Take care.

[Walking]

Hey girlfriend

How are you doing today? I've been thinking about you.

I just read a post on someone elses thread about a good way to think about the place we find ourselves in. The time between the past and the future. The writer makes the analogy of standing between 2 doors - I'll post it here. You might get something from it.

It was written by a man who's wife left him and instigated a VERY quick divorce (I think they were divorced within 3 months from the time she told him she wanted out) to a woman who's a stay at home mum. She's been on the boards for 5 or 6 months and is going through a tough separation with 2 little boys. She's lovely and very clever, loving, hurt, confused etc. It's a nice read.

W2S explained that there was a door in front of me and a door behind me. The door behind me represented what I had once had with my ex-wife and any possibility of it being restored one day. The door in front of me represented all that potentially was in front of me for the future. You can't make it to that door in front of you if you insist on always looking back at the door behind you. For most of us we reach a point where we realize that, at best, that door behind us may be open JUST a crack, barely more than that. Why would we choose to spend all our time looking backwards, knowing that in the process we might never make it to that door of possibility in front of us?

You see, I realized I wanted to move forward. W2S helped me to understand that it was possible to move forward to that newly opening door and STILL be aware if there was movement from that door behind me. At least then I would be moving in a positive direction.

I've told you before that from your posts I believe you are a strong and capable woman, possessing great passion and love for those around you. You have cared and nurtured your children in a wonderful way all through this mess with your husband. You have stood for your marriage and done everything anyone could ask of a wife who had been abandoned, scorned, and betrayed. You chose to consider your husbands actions those of a man in crisis, tried to hold on to your love and commitment to him. YOU HAVE DONE MORE than many would have done.

I don't say this to encourage you to stop standing. I say this to encourage you to MOVE FORWARD. Leave him alone, count him as lost and gone for good. I know it's hard. Terribly hard at first. But eventually an amazing thing happens. You realize that you begin liking your life again. You realize that there actually is promise and hope out there in front of you yet to be experienced.

Maybe it will include your husband again one day and maybe not. But you can't get to the good things that are out there in front of you until you are able to start living your life by looking forward instead of backwards.

Should movement begin again from that door behind you, you will always know that you can pause long enough to look back and check it out.

Or maybe you will find that what is in front of you makes you not want to look behind you any longer.

Let us know how you are going.

[2940831]

Hi, everyone --

Virginia, thank you for your inspiring posts and for copying the post from the gentleman - all of it was indeed very helpful.

Well, I'M IN VEGAS BY MYSELF!!!! I feel strange, empty, full, empowered, angry, sad, lost, lonely, strong, etc, all at the same time.

Am working on getting some work done during the day today so will post more later, but just an update for now.

So yesterday I asked H if he was going today (yesterday). He asked where? I said to Vegas. He said no. I told him okay, that I was still going to go, that I had a lot that I needed to think about and sort through. He said okay and I think looked kind of shocked... I asked him if he could meet me at the office in a few hours to go over some business things before I left, and he said he would.

He called on the way to the office and asked if I had eaten and if I wanted him to bring lunch, so he brought lunch for us (I should have told him I had already eaten...) Anyway, we ate and went over our business stuff.

Then he left to go back to the job site. It was perfect because he was getting ready to leave and was standing next to my desk, and I was sitting at my desk. So he said he was leaving and I said okay and kept working. Then he told me to give him a hug, and he hugged me and told me to have a safe trip.

I had to call him on my way to the airport to help with a tenant showing, but other than that, I have not talked to him at all since then.

It was a challenge getting to the airport, as I hurt my foot yesterday, and it was really hard to walk. So it was pretty rough getting all of my luggage around, AND I did it. It made me realize how much I depend on him - even for small things like helping with luggage when we travel.

I purposely did not turn on my cell phone until late last night. There was a message from him giving me an update on a purchase he had made just to let me know for finance reasons. It was odd - at the end of the message, he kind of paused, and I could tell he didn't know what to say to end his message. So he ended by saying something like "I'll just talk to you later." He didn't say that he hoped I was having a nice trip/had a safe flight/etc., which made me a little sad, but that's okay. I also sensed that he seemed a little mad - I don't know, maybe mad because I left when we're so busy, maybe mad that I left at all. Probably just me being sensitive. I know he's surprised that I'm here and doesn't quite know how to react I guess. So he left me that phone message at about 8 o'clock last night. Made me wonder whether he was purposely leaving it later on at night so that I didn't think he was just using my time away to jet over to her house and spend a long evening with her. I know, I'm not supposed to care...

Then I checked e-mail today, and he had responded to one of my e-mails from a few days ago about a business item. He sent the e-mail at 8:40 pm last night - again, he's had days to respond to this e-mail, and he chose last night later in the evening to send it??? Again, just made me wonder, but I know I'm not supposed to care... But if I'm honest with myself and you I have to admit that I was glad to see that he wasn't just "glad to see me gone" and rushing over early to her house...

So, he told me to call him to do any apartment showings while I'm gone and that if he wasn't available he would get someone else to do it. I said okay but am now going back on that... I don't feel like I want to have ANY contact with him at all until I get home if I can avoid it - no e-mail, no phone calls, no anything. I guess this is two-fold reasoning - one being that I feel like I just need to cut all ties for a few days and just take a break from seeing him/talking to him/etc., the second being that I hope it will be good for him to have me not around and maybe get a taste of what that would be like. If I keep up communication with him while I'm gone, from a communication standpoint it won't be that much different from when I was home.

I got a better night's sleep last night than I have in a long time. It by no means was perfect, but it was better, even with not being at my own home. I woke up only a few times and was able to get right back to sleep. I ordered room service when I got to the hotel since my foot was hurting so bad by then to walk anywhere to eat. I can count on one hand or even probably a few fingers the amount of times in my life that I've ordered room service, so it was kind of weird to order it and just hang out by myself and eat - empowering and lonely feeling all at the same time. I put on my Daughtry CD and unpacked and just took it easy.

So, let me tell you what Jody told me on our phone call yesterday morning - or for now just the main thing I got out of it.

I was telling her how I was feeling like I was just done and didn't want to do this anymore. As you are telling me, she said this is GOOD because my anger is going to put me finally in the right frame of mind and give me strength to detach from him, which is what I need to do. She said people make the mistake of thinking that when you feel like you're done you have to give up, but rather than do that, she said I just need to "act as if I am done." So my assignment while I am here is to re-read the LRT and write down specific things I can do to incorporate those techniques into my situation. I told her that I felt like I just wanted to give him the ultimatum now, that I just don't know if I want to do this anymore, but she said she didn't think I would have a good result with that right now, which I'm fairly positive I wouldn't either, so rather than do that now, use my feelings to act like I'm done and see what happens from there. This is the same thing you've been telling me, that my anger is going to put me in the place I need to be right now in my journey.

I'm going to do a lot of thinking while I'm here and plan on talking with Jody when I get back to let her know what I've thought about, but then from my conversation with her it sounds like I may then talk to H and set some boundaries. At this point, I no longer feel like I want to continue our R the way it is right now. I truly feel done with that. I'm tired of working so hard and having him go stay with her. I'm tired of having my heart rip out time and time again every single day from seeing him and talking to him. I'm tired of having my own H not look at me and talk to me with love and having to deal with that on a daily basis... I'm just ready to be strong and set boundaries and set some different dynamics to how to go forward with this. I do not want to keep things the way they are. I'm too unhappy. I hope that will not mean losing him, but things just need to change. Hopefully these few days away from him will be good for both of us.

My main challenge is to determine how I can change the dynamics regarding the business since we do need to interact daily. I will be thinking about that a lot while I am here. I would really appreciate any suggestions you all have on this, as this is going to be really hard.

Even just being away from him in Vegas I feel better - I miss him terribly, not the way things are now, but I just miss him; I hope that makes sense. At the same time, I don't feel so unsettled. I can focus a little better. Maybe it's because I'm not around so many things that remind me of him. Maybe it's because I'm not worried that he's going to walk in the door anytime and something is going to happen to hurt me... or that I'm going to snoop and hurt myself... Maybe I just feel empowered that I took this trip by myself. At the same time, I'm really sad being here without him because we have taken quite a few trips here together, and I reflect on all of the wonderful times that we've had, and I miss that. I know if he would have come this time it just would have mostly been awkward, so I know this is for the best for both of us, but I just miss him and us and the good times we had. That is the sad part of all this.

Well, I'm starving and am going to go grab some lunch. I'll check in later tonight. Thanks again for all of your help and support.