This DBing stuff is way more like a marathon than a sprint. My experience is:
Learn to really listen to her so she can feel your presence and know you hear her without judgment of the desire to fix or correct--a way of hearing that simply says how you feel is important and I want to bring that into my experience. Some of peanuts posts on compassionate listening are wonderful. In my experience, it all grew out of learning to hear w. I avoided OR talks, though, and we learned to do this talking around things that weren't emotionally charged, like the kids, her co-workers, etc. Alot of the Deida polarity stuff--which I personally 100% believe in--will grow slowly out of compassionate present listening, but it takes time.
Give her lots of space and detach from all the drama. Things unwind slowly. Especially give om no space in your mind. I know--very, very hard to do, but can be done. Prayer and meditation and outside interests seem to be the key. Almost all om's screw up if we let them and we let them by retreating. Once they think they are "ahead" they seem invariably fu%k up. Pressure is your worst enemy. Even when you think you are not in any way pressuring her, get quieter and look closer.
Be her friend first, unconditionally. This is way harder than it sounds. I used the best friend test. If I was going to say or do something regarding w, I asked myself if I would say or do it with my best friend. If the answer was no, I didn't do it. Even now I continue you this. Sometimes I really want to look at w's cell phone log to see who she's talking to, how often and when, etc. But I would never do this to my best friend, so I don't do it to her. I was able very slowly to build a really strong friendship with my w. She hated me and the thought of having sex with me made her want to puke--those are her words--but I knew how to be a really good friend, talk to her like a girlfriend and not a guy--or worse, a husband--and how to validate her emotions and speak to her without trying to solve or fix anything. In time, she grew to totally enjoy my company (and I hers) cause I wasn't pressuring her for anything. We were just hanging out. Om hated this and at one point told her she couldn't come see me any more. When I heard this, I knew om was dead (although it took many, many months for him to be really dead) I knew..quietly. There's no ranting, raving divorce lawyer power threats that can possibly work as well as quiet unconditional friendship. But it too takes time and requires some skills. I think with Deida you are off to a good start. The Way of The Superior Man and The Way of The Superior Lover are filled with practices that build these skills.
Focus on what works-I totally agree with Cliff and SG: try things and see what works, but don't try all kind of stuff at once. I'm uncertain about all the don't be so available and going dark, etc. stuff. I think it is more like be available in different ways. Deida has a chapter about how the feminine will return to your weak points over and over and over again and keep testing you there. That has absolutely been my experience. I don't think w consciously intends to test, she just does it with the same amount of forethought as breathing..its her nature. So, knowing she's going to go there you can prepare yourself to not respond or respond completely differently when she arrives. Now that's a 180 that will leave her dizzy.
Success is built on small victories-Silently celebrate your success without letting expectations that the next time will be even better sabotage you. Of course you still have a chance and time really is completely on your side. Note the small, almost imperceptable seeds of change and remember what works and what doesn't. You're doing good--patience, patience and then more patience. My wife and I are discussing the general timing and logistics of her moving back into our house. You can get to that conversation too, through patience and doing exactly what you did in your phone call--great success is built out of these small victories.
I don't know Einstein--don't look for fast resolutions -PATIENCE, my thing slowly recovered by very small almost imperceptible steps so don't look for big Hollywood style happenings--its more the accumulation of small acts of self-less kindnesses and responding to things in very unpredictable ways (which of course make you interesting) and then the ability to feel into and through her. Be patient, be kind and love her from a place of strength and wholeness rather than a place of need and desperation.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
