I had an interesting convo with my mother about needs and boundaries. When I was a child I needed to talk about my feelings. My mother WOH, had other priorities, and typically was engaged in some activity while I talked to her. The messages I got were 1)my need isn't valid, 2)my need is excessive, 3)it is annoying, 4)it is inconvenient for her to meet it, and 5)she had better things to do. I felt rejected. I felt unloved. It seemed that folding laundry was more important than talking to me. My retired grandmother lived a few doors away, and she was able to meet my need to talk. However, it wasn't a substitute for having the need met by my mother. I needed unconditional love from my mother. I needed to believe that I mattered to her.

My mother told me that I "hit" her with my need to talk as soon as she came home from work. She didn't want to talk then. She admitted that she thought I needed to talk "too much," and that she couldn't talk to me AND get all her own stuff done. She also expressed exasperation with me because I sat and talked and watched her clean or cook, and I never offered to help.

I then said, what if the issue had been handled like this: Child approaches mother to talk and mother says, "Honey, I can't talk right now." (establishing mother's boundary) Can we talk after dinner?" (Acknowledging the child's need) After dinner, if the mother is really pressed for time, she could say, "I can spend x minutes talking [meeting the child's need by giving her undivided attention to the child), and then I need to wash the dishes. (another boundary) Could you dry them and put them away?" (asks to have her own need met) Mother and child would have another opportunity to bond and chat.

My mother thought this would have been a good way to handle it. She also admitted that she probably avoided talking to me because my emotional personality made her uncomfortable, and she was afraid that she couldn't help me (meet my need) and she would feel like a fool (feel ashamed??)

This scenario has played out between H and me countless times, with me playing me, and H playing my mother. Neither of us could set boundaries or ask to have our needs met in a direct way.

This is what I plan (hope) to do going forward:
1. State my needs clearly
2. Set and enforce a boundary regarding the way H speaks to me (as Corri suggested).
3. Set other boundaries as necessary
4. "Act as if" -- continue to meet H's needs for PT even if I don't feel that my needs are being met.

I used to think I couldn't do #4, because I didn't think I could ML to H if I was unhappy due to unmet needs. But I see now that the boundaries eliminate the unproductive cycle that I wrote about at the beginning of this thread. Asserting myself in this way would eliminate the victim mentality I so often have. I think my victim mentality has been a major problem in my attitude toward sex.