One step back....all advice welcome

[fearless]

CAC4,

I don't know why you keep sayin' that I'm the window into your BF's mind...
I've got no rational explanation for it. I don't understand it, either.

I thought the same thing when I read her post to you!! I think she interprets your sarcasm and use of the word "bonehead" to think that you are just like her bf. The issue might be that you react to her like him; I doubt that you are LIKE him in behavior.

Not that you were worried but I just wanted to validate that I see nothing of you in Lillie's boyfriend's behavior. Not that there's anything wrong with him. (if you are watching as much TV as you say I hope you can place that reference!)

Anyway, Cobra means well, he is very well read and he does have great insight at times. I think the problem I have, and I suspect you too, is that at times he can go down a path so insistently that I feel if I disagree then suddenly I am deflecting, defensive, etc. (When did I stop beating my wife?) I am not defensive - I just think he missed the boat. I do want to know myself better so it feels doubly frustrating - he is going down the wrong path AND will not let us get back on track because he KNOWS he is right.

For my two cents on MrsCAC4, I think she has clearly stated that she is not feeling loved by you right now. I may be going out on a limb but I feel pretty certain that you do love her. Let her know that. Let her know that even when she uses the wrongs words and you get upset, you still love her. The words of affirmation can just be (I think) that you love her as she is. Even if you do get mad and yell, it does not change that you LOVE her. I think it can be confusing because you might worry that the reassurance that you love her means that she did not make a mistake. Yes, she made a mistake (and a big one) in her use of the words so what? Do you expect that she'll never make mistakes? You still love her, right? TELL HER.

I grew up on a dairy farm and the cry "the cows are out" is a stomach dropping cry that was commonly heard. Chasing cows and herding them back into the field is never a fun job. Tempers flare, cows don't behave, etc. One time I remember my mom crying that "Dad yelled at me" and worrying about why he yelled. I, at 14, explained that Dad was not really yelling AT her for messing up (although she had messed up). He was yelling because the cows were out and he was frustrated. Because she was so emotionally tied into the situation and was feeling hurt she could not see his issue and likewise for him (plus he had to get back to milking so there was no way for him to comfort her. In this case it really was that simple - mom messed up and dad yelled because he was frustrated and it was nothing deeper than that. There is no way to prevent the cows from getting out and there is no way to perfectly round up cows as far as I know (although the stacking container commercial was cute.) So the moral was this was just something they had to deal with when it happened and they did deal with it wonderfully and are still married after almost 39 years. Edit to add: In the future after dad yelled at mom, she did not IMMEDIATELY go to him for reassurance. He needed a brief time to cool off from the situation. After that (15-30 minutes??) she could go up to him and they would hug and laugh. So for MRSCAC4 I would ask if you could be willing to give him that space IF that's what CAC4 needs. Ask him.