Yes, I recognize that this process takes time. For quite a while, my wife was involved in an EA, so I figure that the "timetable" might be a bit lengthier than I had hoped.
Now, as for what I've been doing to help, I can only say that I've been really cautious about what I say or do.
For example, I've been reluctant to ask too many questions too soon because I've been afraid to put pressure on her to come back to the relationship.
I've been practicing active listening, although mostly I try to simply listen and demonstrate my empathy.
Running, your experience would really help me to understand what my wife is feeling. She too has said that she would like a family that accepts her.
From my perspective, my family hasn't rejected her, but on the whole they have been unable to really understand how sensitive she about issues about family and self-esteem. (My wife left a very abusive family and is dealing with a childhood during which her self-esteem was constantly attacked.)
She has never wanted to talk to my Ps about this, preferring to either make simple statements (like "I has an abusive family") or to pretend that it doesn't bother her. In fact, for a while she acted this way with me.
Because of that, I have always tried to SHOW my Ps that they MUST be more sensitive, but it is difficult. They don't think they are being insensitive, and my father at least says that he loves her as a daughter.
(My mother is much more reserved, and can be off-putting. My W thinks she is cruel, but I think her behavior has a lot more to do with inability to express her feelings, especially positive ones. In any case, I won't allow any behavior that hurts my wife, and I've told both of them this.)
For the past few years, I have STRICTLY limited contact between my wife and Ps, probably mistakenly. I think a great deal of misunderstanding is at work here, and maybe some of it would have been cleared up by talking about it. But if she wanted to have nothing to do with them, I would find a way to make that work too. Actually, I try not to even bring up the topic, because it invariably angers her.
Running, I'm sorry that you feel that your H's parents "wouldn't care if you died tomorrow." I really hope that is NOT the case. As for my Ps, I don't think they feel this way, but I have no idea for how this is ever going to become apparent to my wife, given the screwed-up dynamic between them. I really can sympathize with your feeling of feeling "stuck" with crappy people, and I truly hope that I can do something so that my wife doesn't feel that any longer.
As for her feelings about being in my shadow, I've been as supportive as possible about all her plans that are independent of me or my life. For now, she sees me doing this because I "have" to, but I hope that eventually she recognizes that I'm very serious about giving her the support she desires.
I hope others weigh in here, from both sides of the experience. This is one of the major sticking points in rebuilding our marriage, and I'm sure it's that way with others.
